Actions Speak Louder Than Words

By: Brandy Black

I’m reading a book “Lesbian and Gay Parents and their Children” by Abbie Goldberg and it got me thinking about my passion for marriage or as some prefer to call it- commitment ceremony.  I will occasionally get into this debate with gay friends who don’t understand why it was so important for me to marry Susan.  At the time we had a ceremony, I didn’t even realize what it would mean to me.  Frankly, my mother talked me into it right after I “came out” to her.

The days leading up to my coming out were torturous and I was prepared for the absolute worst case scenario.  I was ready for my parents to be angry and hurt and quite possibly disown me.  I made myself sick night after night worrying about telling them the truth.  In my case it was the dishonesty and lies that were the worst of it all, because once I actually told my parents that I was in love with a woman, all of the baggage and pain I had been carrying around suddenly dissipated and I was able to love Susan to my fullest for the first time.

But in that conversation with my mom, me weeping and my mother accusing me of being homophobic as she couldn’t understand why I was the one so upset, she asked me if we were going to get married and have kids.  It had never occurred to me that this might be an option – this was 10 years ago when conversations about gay marriage were barely stirring in the media.   She then went on to explain to me the importance of committing to each other in front of friends and family.  “It’s not just for you but for the people around you who don’t understand the blurry lines of gay relationships, it’s a way to tell everyone that you are pledging to one another for the long haul.”

I thought about it a lot, what it would mean to “marry” Susan.  It seemed as if it was a dream come true, we were the renegades in my eyes, the naughty girls that were doing what we shouldn’t, even though it felt so right.  After talking to my mother, she disarmed me and made me realize we weren’t rebels, or bad girls, we were following our hearts and allowing ourselves the life that we deserved.  After getting “permission” to feel proud of my relationship from two of the people closest to me, I wanted a wedding more than ever.

Once we had the ceremony in front of 80 of our closest friends and family -when it wasn’t legal- life was different.  Something changed after we made those vows to each other.  We opened our hearts and let the other in, we were partners with a flood of trust and love for one another.  I can’t explain the meaning of it all but she shifted from my girlfriend to my life, I mean wife.

Now having gone through all that a wedding encompasses, a shower, a ceremony, registering and a honeymoon- it was all worth it.  The constant validation from all of the people in our lives was amazing.  We needed support, we wanted it and it came gushing our way. The speeches, the notes in our guest book, the tears that poured from our friends’ eyes as Susan and I walked through the sea of people to find each other, Susan standing beautifully before me in all her glory, my best friend becoming my wife.  That day was life changing.

So when people tell me that they are against marriage because of the fact that we are trying to “be like” heterosexual people- I say call it what you will but find a way to share your love publicly with your family because it will make all the difference in the world.

Why did Abbie’s book make me think to write this wordy blog…

“Qualitative research by Alderson (2004) provides evidence of some of the perceived effects of civil marriage among lesbians and gay men.  Alderson interviewed married lesbians and gay men in Canada and found that, for many participants, getting married created an added sense of security that was deeply felt and greatly appreciated.  Consistent with the findings of Solomon et al. (2005), Alderson also found that many participants felt that marriage brought greater depth and completion to their relationships, cementing them in both financial and emotional ways.  They also understood their marriage as symbolizing monogamy and as providing recognition for them as a family.”

This was true for me.