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STAY AT HOME MOM vs. WORKING MOM
January 2, 2010 by The Next Family
Filed under Parenting
WASH, RINSE AND REPEAT
By: Caren Gillespie- Stay At Home Mom
“Wash, rinse, repeat.” These are the words I use to sum up my life these days as a SAHM (Stay at Home Mom). They work for the obvious tasks -laundry, dishes, children, floors – but they also work for relationships, friendships, motherhood. It’s my cycle of life.
I am in my 8th year of marriage to a wonderful man who adores me and our children. He works full time and is getting his MBA. He is very helpful but he is away a bit more than we both would like. I have a kindergartener and a two year-old and I run a fairly smooth household. I say “fairly” because I do not believe anyone can run a house flawlessly with humans involved, especially with a mix of little/ big/male/female. It just gets messy.
Let me elaborate…
One of my worst days on the “job” I was, ironically, taking a day to myself (a necessity I realized early on as crucial to sanity). I had a lovely day of shopping and sushi with an old coworker while my 18-year old babysitter took care of the children. While wrapping up our lunch, I received a text from the sitter, saying she felt ill. I rushed home to find her lying on the couch while my two children napped in bed. I wrote her a check and wished her well. She informed me very nonchalantly on her way out that she had clogged the toilet.
I can handle this, I have unclogged a toilet before….right? Suddenly, from a distant bathroom, I heard a “fluuuush…..”, followed by my son’s wail: “mooom……the toilet is overflowing……!”
Noooo!! It was too late….I had Niagra-effing-Falls in my bathroom and it was flowing fast! I rushed my son out of the bathroom and ran down to the garage to get the rags for this type of situation. Upon opening the garage door, a dripping noise alerted me to the sight of water -from the “falls” -soaking our stored goods. I surrendered and started to cry….
The one thing that will make me lose it is Out-of-Control-Poop; it gets the best of me every time.
While bawling, cursing, and dialing my husband, I cleaned up our babysitter’s “mess”, infuriated that a good day could go so bad in a the blink of an eye.
In times like this, I think of the mom who wakes at the same hour everyday, gets her kids ready, and drops them off somewhere for 8-9 hours. She goes to work and uses her brain to solve big people problems, all while sipping on a latte, joking with coworkers and getting paid. I understand: it, too, is hard work. But she gets paid! Bonuses even! Ah, Wednesday morning donuts. Happy hour….how I would kill for a real Happy Hour. My “happy hour” is not the happiest. I may be imbibing, but only because my kids have had long days, are hungry, and are (I am convinced), trying to make me crazy!
My husband comes home from work sometimes, complaining about the hour of traffic he just endured. I daydream about an hour in traffic –all by myself, my own music, music that does NOT contain the lyrics “fruit salad, yummy yummy”.
But, I suppose one woman’s dream is another woman’s nightmare. I don’t have to worry about meetings, reviews, complaints from customers. Actually, I do get complaints, but my “customers” don’t have to like everything I’m selling, and (at least, for now) I am bigger and can call the shots. I guess you could say I am the CEO at this house, albeit working for free.
I know I am fortunate. These years at home with my kids will stick with them- and me -forever. The labor duties I endure now will probably be the same moments I miss when they drive off to college.
For now, all I can do is stick to my mantra: wash, rinse, repeat. It works.
VS.
COFFEE, COMMUTE, CUDDLE
By: Jamie Lee Kim- Working Mom
You’ve heard the phrase, “behind every great man, there is a great woman.” Well, behind this full-time working woman, there is a whole team —a nanny, a nana and a husband —-and I still feel like I could use more help!
My little guy has no idea that I have to wake up at 5:30AM each morning for work. So, because he doesn’t know any better, and more so because he’s so darn cute, I allow him to use my belly as a pillow and my face as a punching bag as he dreams away about gumdrops and fluffy clouds or whatever it is that one-year olds dream about.
Let’s face it. As important as a career may be, my investment in my baby is forever. Obviously, if I had to choose between my baby or my job, my baby comes out on top (in my case, literally). But there’s this Asian guilt that gives my conscience hell when I feel like I’m underperforming at the office.
Because I have a 60-mile, one-way commute into work, my employer generously allows me to telecommute 3 days of the week. On the days I do drive in, it can take more than 2 hours to get there. By the time I reach the parking structure, I’m ready to head home. Nevertheless, I drag myself out of my car (after a discreet 30-minute nap), and log in eleven to twelve hours at the office before heading out to battle the evening traffic. Needless to say, when I get home, I am hungry, tired, crabby…and frankly, I need to be babied.
I recently met a full-time mom of three (did I mention I only have one?) who seemed ultra-content with her present situation. I looked at her enviously and thought, “she looks so happy. She doesn’t have to get up early for work. Man, she has it good.”
But I was there! I was a full-time, stay-at-home mom for 3 months (during my maternity leave) and it was brutal. Poopy diapers, colic, spit-up, acid reflux, feedings around the clock, on and on and on. There was no end in sight.
Now I’m starting to realize: mothering ain’t easy, whether you do it all day long or when you get home from work. A stay-at-home mom might crave a respite and adult interaction; whereas a full-time professional feels guilty because she’s shortchanging her baby, her employer, and even herself. Nothing seems right.
Like every other hard part of life, this has to pass. I hold out hope that someday I can leave my two bags under my eyes at home, because Lord knows I have enough bags to carry to work. Until then, I’m happy to provide my belly as a pillow for my little guy. He needs a secure resting place, and if I can’t give that to him during the day, the least I can do is provide him a soft cushion on which to lay his head every night.
I can’t tell you how many days I’ve had like this- I’m a stay at home mom and although I would never trade it, it’s tough and your writing made me laugh because I’ve been there day after day
thanks
Just so you all know, Caren has one of the cleanest houses I’ve ever been in!
Go girl! Keep steering your genius towards writing, you’re talented (not that I ever doubted you)!
I’m not so inclinded to read “Mom” stuff, even though I play one in real life, but your voice is funny and so honest. Love it!
Christina
I am a working mom and I’m so torn up over it, it’s hard for me to leave for work everday. It breaks my heart and I can’t wait for the day that I feel at ease with being a working mama. It’s always good to hear that there are others out there like me.
As sad as it is to say, I am happy to hear that ‘poop happens’ to other stay at home moms too. It’s always on a day when you think you can’t handle anything else that either your child or your dog makes it worse. Cheers!
Sara-
Even though I am a SAHM, I battled the same feelings you have now for 3 years with my first son while working full time. unfortunately that nagging feeling if I was doing the right thing never left me until I quit to stay home. And now that nagging feeling has turned into the opposite “Do my kids get tired of seeing me day in day out? Do I have an effect on them in a positive way when I feel like most of the time I am setting demands on them?” I have not longed to go back to work per-se but I can say that the balance has to be there and if you are happy, your children feel it and see it. Now when I am home, I take a lot of time for myself and when they ask where I am going with sad eyes, I simply tell them, “I am going to take care of myself and my needs” which is lost on them now but maybe will give them the permission to do the same and feel a right to happiness in their future family lives. My feeling is, If you are happy, working or not, you are giving them a gift of a balanced mom.
Caren
Finally I get to comment on some of your talented writing! You kill me with your stories and I hope you keep sharing more of them with us. It’s nice to be able to laugh at it all because soon our kids will go off to college
Great article!
Hi Sara!
O.O.C.P. (out of control poop)makes me cry too. I could tell some fecal matter stories of my own but I’d just start crying all over again…do you think it ever gets funny?
I love your writing. Clear, concise and above all courageous. To quote High School Musical (which is about as literate as I get anymore), “we’re all in this together.” Keep writing!
Jody
Caren! So sorry for the wrong name! I saw it up above. Feel free to call me any name in the book…Jody
hahaha!! no worries Jamie….I mean Jody;)
oh and Jody, yes, its always funny……6 months later! Or when our own children call us one day and tell us a similar story, we will Laugh our a** off….at least I will!
Caren! I never would have guessed 3 or 4 years ago?, that you would be writing an article for the stay at home mom. Well sister, you shine wherever you choose to work. You are a good mom, & I enjoying watching you settle into the stay at home mom role. We SAHM benefit from it. I love it!
Caren! This is so great. Thanks for making me smile. This helps so much to think I’m not the only one out there juggling momhood and worklife. I have a newfound compassion for moms and especially my own dear mother. thanks for helping us all relate!
I loved both of these posts, but I have to say that I kind of dislike (maybe “hate” would be a better word) the title including “versus.” It implies that these two worlds are fighting against each other, and moms have enough sources out there pitting them against each other. I recently read a great book by Daphne de Marneffe that talks about this among other things. It’s a bit academic and I found myself skimming large portions of the Maternal Desire, but my mommy’s group (which is made up of SAHM moms and moms who work outside the home) had some great discussions after reading it, and we all felt validated. It was a great way for us all to remember that we’re on the same page, regardless of our situation. Not sure if I can post a link, but here it is:
http://www.amazon.com/Maternal-Desire-Children-Love-Inner/dp/0316110280/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1302288702&sr=1-1
Agree with Barb about the confrontational tone of ‘vs.’
I think we can give them a pass on the use of the word “versus.” In our culture people have come to think of it as negative, but in fact:
versus |ˈvərsəs; -səz| (abbr.: v. or vs.)
preposition
• as opposed to; in contrast to : weighing the pros and cons of organic versus inorganic produce.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from a medieval Latin use of Latin versus ‘toward.’
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TERRIFIC pair of articles, both of you! I chose to be a SAHM, but we very much do without and are terribly short of money at times. I feel guilt for sticking my husband with so much responsibility, so I do work part-time on project-based work from home. It’s barely any money, but it’ll pay for groceries from time to time. We all make our choices, and then have times when we find ourselves questioning them. I love the opportunity to read others’ experiences and have a forum about this issue. No one has it easy. No one. I wouldn’t trade my opportunity to be a mama for anything.