Welcome To Crazy Land
By: Tony Tripoli
Hello, and welcome! Thanks for clicking on the AFFAIRS button. No, it’s not a forum for swingers and wife-swapping- (but, let’s not rule that out, okay?)- it’s a place where I’ll be talking about the goings on of celebrities, TV, Pop Culture, and even myself. Here’s a taste:
This week, Heidi Montag and her new head were on my television WAY TOO MUCH. Watching her try to move the hole in the center of her face and produce coherent sentences is like watching one of those nature shows, where the butterfly is struggling to get free from the cocoon, only in her case, instead of coming out a butterfly, she ends up looking like my 48 year-old Jewish realtor. After having 10 plastic surgeries in ONE DAY (Cher calls that ‘Tuesday’), and getting a great deal of negative attention for it, she says she’s ready to face her critics head on, which, aside from being a poor choice of words, makes me feel like a battle of wits with her would be like getting into the ring with Muhammad Ali. Not in the 70’s though….TODAY.
John Mayer said a crapload of dumb stuff in the new Rolling Stone, and here is the best of the worst:
“Like, you need to have them (girlfriends) be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too?” The Joshua Tree of vaginas? To which I say, “Hey Johnny, if you want a vagina that looks like Joshua Tree, try Lady Gaga.”
He also admits: “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.”
Hmmmm. So we watch the same porn. Didn’t see that one coming. But, before breakfast? Gross! Who raised you???
Now, most posts won’t be this long, but it’s the first one, and I want you to get to know me a little bit as well, so I’m not just some snotty blogger you know nothing about….here goes:
When your lesbian boot camp teacher asks you if you want to write a blog for her wifey’s website, YOU SAY YES. That, my new friends, is why you are reading this now (and, no, it’s not “Lesbian Boot Camp”- I’m not nearly tough enough for that).
Should I start over? I’ll tell you about me, cause I’m a gay guy in LA, and therefore, it’s my favorite subject.
I’m Tony, a 40 year old homo in Hollywood. My picture is attached (see, that boot camp is no joke, Lesbian or not). Susan, the lovely sapphic lady who kicks my ass every Monday, knows I’m a comic and TV writer, so she asked if I’d be into writing this column. And, kids, here’s a lesson I learned years ago: When a lesbian asks you to do something, just do it. As a gay man, I owe the ladies a ton. Every AIDS benefit I ever performed in, there was a circle of, like, 14 gay guys arguing over the color of the backdrop, and 2 dykes hanging it. Sorry, but it’s true. The lesbians GET SHIT DONE, and we gay men have benefitted enormously.
So, I’m calling this payback.
I’ll be talking about my experience here in Los Angeles -trying to date, pay my bills, and maybe get famous. I’ll also complain about my family in Arizona, cause they’ll never read this, and I can’t afford therapy. And, you’ll laugh, I promise. Maybe with me, definitely at me. But, that still counts.
This weekend, I’m off to Phoenix, my hometown, to take my niece to see Disney On Ice. Because, when you are an almost-5-year-old girl, your gay uncle is a friggin’ superhero. Who am I to correct her? We have a blast together, and she just constantly teaches me how much cooler kids are than us old people. This summer, we went to ride the carousel at the mall (remember when that was enough, parents?), and as we left, her Mom told us “No ice cream. We’re eating dinner as soon as you get back.” Moms are hard core that way. So after the ride, Matea says “Uncle Tony, I have an idea. What if we get some ice cream?” Now, I’m a responsible adult, so I replied, “Matea, you heard your Mommy tell us ‘No Ice Cream’. We are gonna have dinner, and she doesn’t want us to spoil our appetites.” Pause. She’s hatching a plan, of course. ”Uncle Tony, I have another idea. What if we have the ice cream, and we don’t tell my Mommy? Hmmmm?” Nothing cuter than a kid tryin’ to work the system. I, obviously, told her “No, Matea, that would be the same as lying, and we don’t want to lie to your Mommy, do we?” Her answer: “Well, I do.” Didn’t miss a beat. P.S., she got her ice cream. Because anybody can be a good person; comedic timing is rare. Oh, get off my case, I’m a superhero, remember? The rules don’t apply. Besides, I live in another state, so my little sister can just deal.
So, yeah, just flying in, spoiling her, and leaving. Okay, I will also for sure make a lot of bad food choices, cause Mom will cook non-stop, but, don’t tell Susan. She’ll make me regret on Monday night. Another life lesson: you cannot please both your Mother and your lesbian boot camp teacher. And, Moms hold grudges.
Come back for more celeb- trashing next week!!!
Tony Tripoli is a comic in Los Angeles. He is a staff writer on STYLE’s ‘THE DISH’, and co-host of the hit podcast “THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI”, which is FREE on iTunes. Tony Tripoli