By: Tony Tripoli
The Celebs have really been going for gold medals in Crazy lately, right?
Tons of gossip blogs are reporting that Avril Levine and Brody Jenner are having secret hook-ups around Hollywood.
I think they’re a great match. He is too dumb to realize she spells Sk8ter Boi wrong.
Details put Robert Pattinson in its 10th anniversary cover, surrounding him with nude models.
But, he’s not impressed, and, in the article actually says: “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vaginas.”
I know how you feel, RPatz, I suffer from Seasonal Vaginal Allergies as well…..all year ‘round.
After listening to him talk endlessly about his sexual exploits to any publication that will let him, adult video company Vivid Entertainment has invited John Mayer to direct a movie for them.
Let me suggest a title: “Your body is a wonderland….that can accommodate a large number of other wonderlands.”
Then , maybe a sequel: “Your body is a Wonderland….with no sensation left in it.”
Okay, enough about them. Let’s talk about me.
A week ago, I caved in to all the endless pressure placed upon me by dozens of friends and co-workers, and finally set up a Facebook page. I resisted as long as I could, motivated by the idea that if I’m not still in touch with you, there is a reason, and it’s your fault. Also, I had the worst break-up of my life last year, and he was really into updating his Facebook status, so, I knew if I ever signed up, I’d start getting chirpy messages from him about how great his life is without me in it. Or, I’d be up all night, in a bathrobe, quietly staring at his page, trying to break the hidden code in his comment replies to his male friends. They’re totally sleeping together; that’s obviously what he meant by “almost done with my taxes…hurray.”
As you can tell, I’m SO over him.
Cut to me, realizing I have 3 shows coming up in March, and I gotta promote. Facebook is effective and free, so, I have to suck it up, and make a page.
Not 10 minutes after opening my account, I have a friend request.
Now, I was not prepared for this kind of intimacy with him again, and so soon.
In a panic, I hit ‘Ignore”, and then, as anyone in my position would do, completely unraveled.
After 2 days of listening to me alternately whine and worry – He’d done this twice before, where he texts or emails, then disappears again as soon as I express interest, so I know I need to just cut off all contact- my best friend cracked, and wrote him an email. He told my ex to either step up, and be the man I deserved, or to leave me alone, and let my try to heal. (Nice how he said “Try”, as if it may never actually happen.)
Then, within 5 minutes, my ex replies: “I didn’t send Tony any friend request, and can’t imagine doing so any time soon.” Ouch.
Apparently, my ex had ‘invited me to join’ Facebook when we first met, and their system saves the info, so if you ever do join, those that ‘invited’ you automatically have a friend request for you.
I didn’t know that.
That’s very embarrassing.
So, I am now on Facebook (Friend me if you dare!), and going slowly. Reconnecting with a lot of lovely people from my past. No contact from the ex, which is for the best, I know.
Oh, and I have a best friend who loves me enough to write an angry email defending me, even when I turn out to be wrong.
THAT just may be ‘The Greatest love of All.”
You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.
Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free on iTunes)
OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.
Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.