Welcome To Crazy Land
By: Tony Tripoli
You know how celebs are always saying they were in bed asleep when the Oscar nominations came out, and the phone woke them up, when in reality, you know they were perched on the edge of the bed with a Meryl Streep voodoo doll and a pint of Ben and Jerrys, hoping to hear their names called?
Well, that’s ME when they announce a new batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants.
Sadly, again this year, I was not on the list. But, at least Niecy Nash was. And, she’s practically a gay guy.
Also making the cut was the most recent himbo Bachelor, who is just doing it to stay away from Vienna, as well as Kate Gosselin, who is for sure doing it to stay away from those kids of hers. Seriously, she saw them at Christmas, and she gooooood.
Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon, but even then was REALLY slow, so….you do the math.
Shannen Doherty has a shot, as long as she only looks out of her good eye,
and Pamela Anderson will at least be entertaining. Watching her try the Vienese Waltz in those Lucite stripper shoes of hers will be must – see TV.
But, my prediction for the champ: soap hunk Aiden Turner,
who is paired with the always sexy Edita Sliwinska. These two are so hot, I’m not sure which one I wanna make out with first!
Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson was on the View this week,
and, was asked if he would ever date an older woman. His answer: ”I think Betty White is probably one of the sexiest women in America. She’s vibrant; it’s sexy. I think the more age the better.”
During the commercial break, things took an awkward turn when Barbra Walters asked if he’d be interested in “banging the LifeAlert bracelet right offa me”.
US Magazine claims that Real Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciack is about to come out of the closet. And, not in some tacky outfit, as per usual, but with a lesbian lover!
They say she has been dating DJ Tracy Young for the past 3 months.
I’m not saying she’s a narcissist, but doesn’t her girlfriend look exactly like her, without the wig and drag makeup?
Oh, and, she’s totally a narcissist.
Sources claim that Tiger Woods has received phone calls from both President Obama, and former President Bill Clinton.
Obama chastised him for “Making us all look bad” and Clinton said “You go, brother!!! Haha. Damn, I’m just green with envy, brohiem. We gotta grab us a couple beers and chase some tail once this blows over….”
The singing and dancing cast of the hit show GLEE has announced a muli-city tour this May.
Expect arenas full of former class nerds that don’t think they are still nerds, but, are.
Jessica Simpson has been tweeting her love advice. Ok,…. thanks?
Her nuggets of wisdom include: “You can’t love someone else to change them. Happiness comes from accepting who they are.”
I guess she learned that after not accepting who Nick Lachey, Tony Romo, and John Mayer are.
You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.
Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free on iTunes)
OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.
Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.
[photo credit Buzz: Flickr member Mharrsh]
[photo credit Edyta: Flickr member burningkarma]