Mission Accomplished!

By: Ann Brown

I wouldn’t know half the shit I know if it wasn’t for my getting sick a lot.
I am going to get right to the point. I saw something HUGE on TV this week.
The new Depends undergarments for adults now come in colors and prints.
I know, right? Blows your mind.
I’m just thinking out loud here, but isn’t the whole selling point of Depends that they are inconspicuous? Do I really want to be calling extra attention to my adult diaper area with colors and prints?
When my adult diaper time comes and you find me wandering the streets of Portland wearing my colorful Depends on the outside of my cargo pants (or on my head) I hope you will suggest I look to something other than my underpants for a bold fashion statement.
Plus, what kinds of prints are they using to market to me, the late fifty-something woman, the undergarment-wearing woman who is – fashionwise – midway between a thong and a shroud? We are the Woodstock generation, so maybe a colorful tie-dye? That plays, say, Janis Joplin singing “Me ‘N Bobby McGee” when the first trickle of pee escapes? That could be comforting. Janis would be a very understanding person in an adult incontinent situation, don’t you think? Bet she had that situation herself a time or two.
Will my kids try to entice me to wear Depends by promising to buy me the ones with, I don’t know, George Clooney on them, the way young parents promise their kids Buzz Lightyear Pullups? Because – and hear me well, Procter and Gamble, I don’t need Clooney’s face watching me pee my pants. A person could wind up with a bladder infection that way from holding it in too long.
On the other hand, I would totally poop in my Rush Limbaugh Depends.
Or my Rachael Ray Depends. She’s done nothing wrong – she’s no evil motherfucker like Limbaugh – I know that, but the girl just bugs me. And I’d like to poop on her.
In the meantime, I am going to stick to doing my Kegels every day and hope for the best. And maybe I will take to wearing large, colorful brooches, or perhaps a live parrot on my shoulder to distract the eye from whatever the hell will be going on in my pants.
On the other hand…George W. Bush “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” Depends! Just makes you wanna eat a bran muffin, doesn’t it?

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