Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

It’s just a plain old-fashioned shitty time right now.

A professional dancer in the first half of her career won “Dancing With The Stars”, Crystal Bowersox didn’t win “American Idol”, and instead, some guy who doesn’t sing so great did, AND apparently, the “Sex And The City” sequel is a gold-dipped turd.

Happy Memorial Day, America.

I guess this year, we’re remembering mediocrity.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the oil spill and Jesse James’s interview…both huge sources of crap just gurgling out non-stop.

One bright spot: I have a week off.

The TV Show I write on, THE DISH, is on hiatus this week, because we are airing a special episode: THE DISH PRESENTS TV’s FIGHTS AND FEUDS! It is a really funny recap of the big A-holes on our TVs this year, and we aren’t even to June yet. We award our top prize, The Golden Brass Knuckles of Excellence, to that bad Mama-Jama, Kate Gosselin.

I am telling you this not to promote the show (which premieres Saturday at 10pm, check local listings), but rather, because I HAD A REAL LIFE RUN-IN WITH KATE GOSSELIN, and you need to know!

We taped the special last Friday afternoon, and when we were done, I went to Burke Williams Spa for a “let’s get this vacation started” massage. It is a great spa, and the best part is, you go early and soak in whirlpools, saunas, and steam rooms, while drinking water with a cucumber slice in it, which is, apparently, incredibly fancy, and what I would be doing at home, if I loved myself more.

An hour after taping our shows, I’m in a towel, alone in a steam room, forgetting the stresses of dealing with the dumbasses of the world….ahhhh.

Then 2 men enter the tiny sweatlodge. One in a towel, the other nude and impossibly attractive.

Nudie plops down next to me, extends his hand, and, in his outside voice, asks “How ya doin’ Bro?”

So much for forgetting the dumbasses.

My response was brilliant. Since he was being inappropriately loud, I decided to reply in the tiniest whisper I could, thereby educating this ingrate in proper steamroom etiquette. Obviously, he would realize what a clod he had been, and lower his voice, and drink some magical cucumber water.

I whispered: “Just relaxing.”

Not only did nudie NOT lower his voice, he upped the douchebag ante by announcing to the audience that lives in his head: “I’m Jordan, and this is my publicist, Ben.”

That one shocked me, and I’ve lived in L.A. over 20 years.

But, I think I took him down a peg or two. I spent the next few minutes telling Ben how fascinating his job sounded, asking countless questions about his career, and even his other clients.

I never asked nudie anything.

Pretty soon, he got pouty, and left.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Ben enjoyed his absence as much as I did.

After my massage, I was waiting for the elevator down to the parking level, when the doors opened, and out walked Kate Gosselin and her silver fox of a bodyguard.

She was wearing more makeup than any drag queen I know, and I know quite a few. Her dress was extremely tight, and extremely mini. Perhaps it was one of her daughter’s. Don’t ask about the hair; you know the answer.

She breezed past, and in one of those reflexive moments in life where you act without thinking, I blurted: “Excuse me, Kate, may I tell you something really quickly?”

I don’t know what I thought I was going to tell her, but I knew this would be a good story, so I’d just have to cross that bridge when I got to it.

She stopped in her tracks, spun around on her extremely tall heels, and said, in a tone that could best be described as “accusatory”: “WHAT?!”

Well, now I’d poked the hornets’ nest with a stick, hadn’t I?

“I write on a TV show, called THE DISH, and, um, we love you there, and, um, we tease you a lot, but, you know, love you….anyway, we just taped a special, about the best fighters of the year, and hey, we awarded you the Golden Brass Knuckles of Excellence…..so, that’s, you know, cool, huh?”

Her reply was simple. Just a single syllable. Yet, in that syllable, I got a glimpse into the daily lives of little Aiden, or, Maddie, or the one with the glasses. And, it was brutal. If this is what they hear when they tell Mommy they are hungry or got a boo boo, or miss their Daddy, then we gotta get ‘em out of there.

“oh.”

I didn’t even capitalize it, because she didn’t. And trust me, she didn’t have to.

Lucky for me, her Golden Brass Knuckles of Excellence hadn’t been delivered yet.

Tony Tripoli

tonytripoli.com

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2 Responses to “Welcome To Crazy Land”
  1. Madge says:

    Hi Tony. I live a normal, great life even write for this blog and somehow managed to love Jon and Kate Plus 8 from it’s early beginnings. Those babies were so cute and the parents so loving. Jon was a deadbeat even then and I felt Kate had to be tough or her life would spin out of control. She was raising 8 plus Jon. As the years progressed the show still intrigued me and the kids captured my heart. As Jon became more and more the asshole Kate branched out and realized she would have to be the support for this family. Jon wanted out because he wanted a simpler life but as we all know he spun totally out of control and became the really flaky parent with no real job but being Jon Gosselin. Kate worked and made money. I have no idea what changed or why stardom seemed to rule her life but I know she started out as the best mom and really worked at it. I am awaiting her new show just to see those kids. I hope in real life she is balancing family and work as she will be the main support for these kids for their lifetime. I only hope when all is said and done her kids are better for having her than not. Because if is doesn’t work we will get 8 versions of “Mommy Dearest”.

  2. Tosha says:

    Loved this. And happened to read it just moments after purchasing tix to see SATC 2, and laughed so hard at “gold-dipped turd.” My husband and I whispered it to each other more than once during the movie that afternoon, but I have to say, it’s not that bad! I hate to do it, but I have to defend the film. I was sure it would suck; but it doesn’t. Maybe I’m just losing it.

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