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Adjusting to Each Other
July 28, 2010 by The Next Family
Filed under Amy Wise, Family, Interracial Families
By: Amy Wise
For those of you not familiar with my blog, you probably don’t know just how different Jamie and I really are from each other. Aside from the obvious racial differences, we are pretty much night and day…yeah, yeah, ha, ha…I know, night and day…hilarious!!
Here’s a little bit of history regarding just how opposite we are. I was raised in upper middle class white suburbia; Jamie was raised in the “hood.” His words not mine. I was raised by two parents who have been married for over fifty years; he was raised by a single mom. I went to college after high school; Jamie joined the Army. I went to school overseas; he was in the Army overseas. I work in “white collar” jobs; Jamie works in “blue collar” jobs. I always have long-term goals; Jamie lives day to day. I love to be out and about; he loves to chill at home. I love new cars; he loves old cars. I love new music; he loves old school. The list just goes on and on.
So how the heck do two people who clearly are DIFFERENT in every sense of the word stay married, and not only stay married, but become stronger every year? It almost seems impossible doesn’t it? With everything that is so opposite about us, what do we actually have in common?
Well, the first and foremost is LOVE! We love each other to the core of our being. We will ALWAYS be there for each other through everything, no matter what that “everything” might be! Secondly, family means the world to both of us. We love them all! Then, there is the respect. I respect him and he respects me. I respect his likes no matter how “crazy” they might seem and vice versa. We crack up at how different we are, but we truly “get” those differences. We also give each other space and friend time. It’s never just about us. We both had lives before we met and we still do. That’s so important. We might be a couple, but we are individuals as well.
We have taught each other so much because of the very fact that we are different. Jamie has told me time and time again he would not be where he is today if it weren’t for me. That means the world to me and brings tears to my eyes every time he says it. That is so huge! I also would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for him. He has brought me back to the basics and puts it so simply…no matter what is going on, he always asks me the following, “You woke up this morning right? The rest is just stuff.” So simple huh!?! He grounds me. I love it!
It’s all about coming to the middle. Two totally different people who love, share, teach, give space, and just continue to adjust to each other…how cool is that?
Amy Wise is a Freelance writer in San Diego
I loved this blog Amy. I think opposites truly do attract. Susan and I couldn’t be more different from one another and I think it’s made us a very well-balanced (for the most part) couple. I very much related. Thanks for sharing.
Brandy thank you! It’s funny because people always think you have to so much in common to make it work, when actually if the “important stuff” is in place and the priorities are in order that’s what really matters!….AND it’s never boring that’s for sure!!! =)
Same here Amy. Me and Michael are so different we even was raised in totally different country. Michael was everything I said I would never married. Was I wrong. He is everything I want and need in a husband. He was a only child raised by his aunt I had 4 brothers, 3 half sisters and 3 stepbrothers raised myself but had a evil Stepmother and fantastic Father and I can go on and on but we get stronger every minutes off the day and our Love to each other grows and grows.
My ex-husband and I were opposites and we started out married very young (19,20) and lasted 20 years. I outgrew him and was tired of taking care of without getting cared for back. I am so thrilled that you have made the commitment to each other and cherish each other and don’t judge the differences. I have trouble when someone is out of balance, complains but does nothing year after year to try and change. I find men who love my caring and nurturing but just can’t get past all their shit to care enough back. They all do the best that they have but it doesn’t come to close to what I want or need.
I love your wisdom and your family. It is about family and nothing to do with race. Did all your parents accept the relationship way back when? What kind of work do you do and what does Jamie do?
I love your thoughts and stories.
Hurrah for different! Hurrah for love!
Solrun,
I am so happy that I was able to meet you and Michael in person and now get to know you even better in cyber space! I am thrilled the two of you are so happy and continue to grow. Keep up the love!!!
Madge,
Wow! I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. If you don’t have balance or a partnership you won’t make it that is for sure. It is all about give and take. Jamie and I are partners in everything and that is why it works.
Thank you for the lovely compliments by the way. I have wisdom because my last name is Wise! Ha ha ha ha!!! The parent question….my parents loved Jamie because he made and makes me happy. Never an issue there. Jamie’s Dad passed away when he was young so we never met. His Mom did not accept me at all. Here is a story from my blog about that. She has since passed, and in the end we became close, I just wish it was sooner.
http://themanyshadesoflove.blogspot.com/2009/11/after-all-this-time.html
Our jobs…..besides writing, I am a Program Director at a tutoring facility. Jamie is in Shipping/Receiving at Lowes Home Improvement. Thank you for always reading and commenting!
Joey,
Different is the best isn’t it!!!!? Oh yeah, love….even better!!!!
Thanks for reading everyone!
Amy
Amy,really liked the link. I know a woman who has been in a interracial marriage for over 25 years and her mother-in-law still does not except her because she is white. They have two sons and to hear the stories makes me sad for her. Some of the things she has done are downright evil and well as misplaced. So sad to live so long without acceptance.
Oh my gosh Madge…25 years and still no acceptance!? That is just sad. The Mother n Law is missing out on so much and little does she know she is just hurting herself by denying herself the joy of getting to know her daughter n law. Sad. I will never ever understand how anyone chooses to dislike someone based on the color of their skin. Look into someone’s heart and then decide.
Amy,
Love, that’s the stuff. So true. We are so blessed, all of us, and it goes out from here. Love you and you fam! Kim
Kim,
Right back at ya!
On 28 July 2010, Madge Woods wrote {I know a woman who has been in a interracial marriage for over 25 years and her mother-in-law still does not except her because she is white.} Let me start by giving an electronic shout out the Amy’s great blog, which we hope to see in book form real soon. I never paid much attention, no less responded to any blogs until Amy’s came on the scene. Amy, you go girl
Hi Madge, I am a strong supporter of Loving Day.Org and all Interracial love, dating and marriage ever since I was romantically interracially involved from high school in Denver and that was in the end of my favorite decade the 70′s.
Amy has a beautiful saying (Chocolate for me, Vanilla for you). I had to make a slight adjustment to fit my relationship. (Cinnamon for me, Chocolate for her). Now Madge, please do not misunderstand me, I am very proud of my African American heritage and a lot of the accomplishments that we have done in this country. I see some of African American (dark skin) women that I find attractive, however I have been romatically involved in dating outside of my race for so long and I love doing it so much that I have to agree with the saying, but slighly modified to suit me; (once you go black, you never go back).. Well for me that would be (once you go White or Cinnamon brown, you stay around). Cinnamon for me is what I refer to in Latina women. For me that means that if my wife and I should split up, 9 times out of 10, I will date and marry a woman that is Hispanic or White… and I am NOT putting down my own race or women, that is just what I am most attracted to.
I was blessed by God that my parents always told my two brothers and my one sister that it did NOT matter what race of girl my brother or I married or my what race of guy my sister married as long as we loved each other. However, my parents would have a big problem if I or my bros came home with another man and the same for my sister with a woman. Well, no worries, I do not have that issue in my life, nor does my brothers and sister. Anyhoo; my parents ar like Amy’s parents in terms of that. Also my wife Ester’s parents or siblings NEVER made me feel uncomfortable when I have been in their homes and people in my wife’s country have a lot of African Latinos (dark skinned).
My heart gets happy every time I see an interracial couple in public, regardless of the mixture. Madge, sad to say, but I think that I can top your sad story here about woman, I assume African American/Black that did not accept her White daughter in law. Okay here we go. When I was in the active army, I came to know a wonderful female co-worker, who is Caucasian/White. She is from Ohio. We worked in the same army building from 2003 to mid 2005.
She was blessed by the Holy Spirit of God have an open heart and mind.
However, her parents had raised her to be a racist and to Never date anyone that is not white, No Hispanics, No Asians and for sure No Blacks. This was in the 80′s from what she told me until the present day. Her parents referred to Blacks by the N word and tar b and other racist words. During her years in college prior to joining the army, she secretly dated a few Black guys, but could Never bring them home or be seen in the neighborhood. So out of wanting to obey her parents, she met and married a White man that went on to physically and mentally abuse her on a regular basis. She had two sons with him and he was still abusive to her. Years later, she told me that she divorced him, but married another White man, who was a alcoholic and not much better. They got divorced during her time in military. She started dating African American men again and a couple of Hispanic men. When her mom and dad and preteen boys found out, they called her an N lover amongst other racist names and this has continued until the last time we spoke in 2006 and in Ohio no less, not in the south, but Ohio, where the beautiful Halle Berry is from. So due to the fact that she currently has a Black boyfriend, she can never take him home to meet her family because they (including her sons) will not let her in the front door. I visited her for Thanksgiving in 2004 and her oldest son was living with her temporarily. He was about 16 at the time and big for his size. She told me that he has insulted her boyfriend with racist comments, but she told her son that he can leave her rented home, if he was going to insult her and her boyfriend. To this day, her parents and her are barely speaking. For those Black, White, Hispanic and Asian racist who claim that they believe in God and go to church and read their Bible, they should all read that Moses married an Ethiopian dark skin woman and Ethiopia is in Africa.
Here are two quotes that I will end with:
“Instead of trying to convince someone to get on your road, find someone that is already on the road the way you are going” by Les Brown
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“There is no such thing as staying the same. You are either striving to make yourself better or allowing yourself to get worse.” by N. K. Dorsey
For the woman I spoke about her MIL came to her home and was nice to her son and her grand kids but expected this woman to wait on her as if she were the master and the wife was the slave. She gave her kids lovely presents and her husband great gifts and gave her hand me down clothes to the DIL. I believe she tried to talk to the Mom but to no avail and her husband never really spoke up (which I feel is the real issue).
But back to N.K. your story is indeed sad about your friend. I have been dating a black man on and off for ten years. My immediate family is absolutely okay with it. He was at both my son’s weddings and all they care about is my happiness. My BF and I have had some really bad history over the 10 years but when I told my sons he was back in my life they said it was my choice and they would feel welcome but they couldn’t understand why I was willing to forgive him for cheating. But fast forward the last year and a half and all is okay with everyone. One awful, terrible mistake does not make the man or woman. I believe in forgiveness but not forgetting. We forged a new relationship which works for us now. Thanks for responding N.K. My BF has rarely dated a black woman and has mostly worked in white corporations so the opportunity was easier to find someone who had things in common at work. Now he is back at a black church and hoping to connect with both men and women who are black. We’ll see how it ends up. We are really deeply only friends with benefits. I leave open every day the possibility of finding myself single again and open to it if it should happen on either side.
Nay K.
Oh my gosh the story about your friend is just too much. Sadly so many people in interracial relationships experience exactly that treatment. I just can’t and never will be able to wrap my brain around hate. Why oh why does the color of one’s skin matter when it’s what is in the heart and soul that makes a person? It’s so ridiculously simple to get, why is it so hard for so many?
Amy
Madge,
Wow….I had no idea. You had mentioned there were “things” that were difficult but I didn’t know what they were. You will know what is right and if it will work. Only your partner and you can answer that question. Just don’t ever settle for less than you deserve. If change has happened and forgiveness is there then that is great, but both of those have to be in place for it to work otherwise old patterns just keep on coming back like bad dreams! Good luck. Just keep that open heart and mind and you will always be good to go!
A.
Madge, wow thanks a lot for writing back so soon. Would you mind, if I just write and respond to you from your regular e-mail to mine’s? Send it to my e-mail address, if you do not mind. I am Not so into to blogging. I only make an exception for Amy Wise’s blog.
You have just hipped me to a new acronym with MIL and DIL. At first I was like what is she writing here? Then the light came on in my head and I realized that you were writing in short hand mom in law and daughter in law. Cool.
Well as I wrote earlier, my oldest son often teases me by saying; “Dad, you just do not like brown sugar” aka dark skin Black women. However, I really do find some dark skin women attractive, but I must be honest with myself when I say that in my heart and mind ever since my first high school girlfriend, I have and am mostly attracted to Hispanic women and White women. You might be wondering, have I ever dated African American women, the answer is yes and my first wife was, prior to her, others in my dating life was either Hispanic or White.
. Yes, keep your heart and mind open and the Holy Spirit of God will bring the right man into your life. He may be the same race and skin color or another race, just stay open. END OF STORY.