I was just having this conversation with my sister. I was outside with my 14 month old son and my new neighbor came out to say hi. He’s 29, in the military – and super serious and know-it-all-ish. My son picked up a rock and threw it 1 foot in front of him, and was very impressed that he could throw (we’ve been working on playing “catch”). My childless neighbor says, “I would not let him get into the habit of throwing things. It could be very dangerous, and if he hit someone or something, you could both get into trouble.” Ummm… is he the sidewalk police (which also makes me think about your backyard post – we need more space I suppose!) and is he judging my parenting? It was so annoying I grabbed Bay and we went inside. He just learned how to throw the rock, so neighbor better leave us alone or I’m going to teach Bay how to throw the rock at HIM (kidding… kind of)!!!

Most of us get defensive rather easily, and that defensiveness shows up in our voices and our expressions/body language quite well, even if we are not fully cognizant that we are doing so. I know this is a problem that I have sometimes (being overly defensive), and even though I’m aware of it, it still happens. But it’s important to realize that this can be a contributing factor to misunderstandings and how someone reacts to what you are saying, if it is not something they entirely agree with. Defensiveness begets defensiveness, and it can be a vicious circle.

I tend to be one of those people who shrinks from conflict/disagreement, partially due to personality (conflict stresses me out too much), and partially due to the fact that in my experience, if you are talking to someone who disagrees with you strongly and emotionally about something, it is very unlikely that you are going to change their minds or even get them to think differently for a minute. I occasionally do speak my mind when I feel like it would be wrong not to, but mostly I keep my opinions to myself when I’m not with people who think like I do (except with my parents, I tell them exactly how I feel!). To me it’s not worth the headache when no one is going to win in a situation like that. Both parties will end up still believing what they originally believed, and may even be upset to boot. It’s the people who are on the fence about a topic who are most likely to listen with an open mind.

There’s nothing wrong with voicing your opinion or sharing your experience with others, and I think that in most cases this can be done without any problems as long as everyone is respectful of differences in opinion. But any hot-button topic, like parenting, or politics, or religion, is going to be taken personally and seriously if the person thinks their own values are being judged in any way.

Just my .02…

I am 61 so parenting is a far away memory but I do remember that I had different groups for different things and different friends for different discussions. The politically savvy are usually preaching to the choir. People seem to hang out with people who think like them. That way they can discuss the most important issues with people who see like them and agree with them. It is easier than trying to either put out new information or trying to convert someone to see your ways. I have learned to just put my ideas out there and try to enlighten people about for instance the environmental working groups website. I know Ken Cook personally and have he and his wife in my house with their young son. I asked before they came if they had to have everything organic or totally recyclable eating utensils. They laughed and said we are just like you-do what you can and forget the rest. We ate on paper plates from Whole Foods, real silverware and a mixture of organic and not and dessert just fat and filled with sugar. We drank non organic wine and had a great dinner-nothing homemade. Whatever works is my model now. I will give information and when it is totally ignored so be it. My kids have kids and I have worked very hard with my grand kids to recycle and shop for organic and use the “good sunscreen, shampoo and conditioner” and sometimes it works and others not. I did tell them all about BPA and I sent them emails relentlessly. Some of the time they change and others they don’t. I know I have done my best to have them “see the way” but they have their ways just as I did. Find friends that work and don’t try too hard. Life is too short to worry about so many things. Just do what is best for your child and yourself and let the others find their way with your information or now. I feel your frustration and I hope it lessens.