Letting Go…

By: Brandy Black

Day One, Preschool

There are many phases of letting go in parenting and each one I’m convinced has been harder for me than my daughter. Sophia recently started preschool. She was ready. I knew it. I was a little nervous building up to the big first day of school but overall quite relaxed and even envisioned leaving her alone on the first day, after an hour or two. Boy did I fool myself. I had no idea what heartbreak I was in for. Sitting in class with her, feeling the nervous energy of all of the kids and parents (me included), trying to remain calm while realizing that this was a monumental time in our children’s lives. I will never forget that day, anxious and proud as I stared at all of the children’s names written on orange stars sprinkled across the bulletin board. This was her moment, the beginning of many years of education, teachers, lunches, friends, books, backpacks, pencils, folders, binders, experiments, desks, erasers, tests, note-passing, whispering, giggling, tears, gym class, lockers, cubbies, principals. As I sat in class looking around at all the lovely children that she will spend the next few years getting to know, it was a special moment, one to hold sacred in my heart.

But later that day, things became dark and teary. I sobbed over burgers with my wife and daughter as I realized that she had officially joined the “rat race”. She will always live on a schedules, be aware of time, follow the rules, learn what’s right from wrong even if it’s not right, she’ll learn about love and hate, greed and jealousy, pain and suffering, discrimination and that the world can be unkind and unfair. She will race out of the house some days because she has to be somewhere, she’ll rush, she’ll slowly learn to ignore the little things, step on the bugs, sticks will just be sticks -not magic wands and crystals. My tears became heavy as I realized that life was “happening” to her. This little girl that I had spent the last 2.8 years protecting from all that didn’t need to be known yet will now learn from others, some will be better than I, others will be worse. Some will be right, others will be wrong. I know she’s young, I know that all of this won’t happen in preschool but that first day, although sweet, was a huge dose of reality for her mama. Sophia wiped my unexplained tears away and handed me a gummy burger. I looked at her hazel eyes, smiled, and put all my fears aside to eat my meal with my family.

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Comments

  1. Madge Woods says

    Breathe Brandy. It will all work out with or without your tears. She will grow into a lovely young woman with you as her Mom and Susan as her other Mom. It is hard not to project worries but from my experience children take what they need from the parents and then become little independent thinkers. You are doing great already.

  2. Brandy says

    Thanks Joey! There is a part 2 Madge, not to worry, it gets better. My emotions run me if you haven’t figured that out yet, that has it’s benefits and most certainly it’s drawbacks.

  3. Tere says

    Heather threatened not to let me go for the kids first day of preschool last year if I didn’t promise to hold it together…It is so bittersweet to watch them become more independent. So I put on a brave face and saw them off for their first day, then was a mess in the car on the way to work…Just think in 3 years, you’ll have Kindergarten :)

  4. B says

    I would like to tell you it gets easier but it doesn’t, I was heart-broken when you went off to
    college and even when you moved to L.A. I am still learning to let go..
    love mom

  5. Brandy says

    I can’t imagine Kindergarten, grade school, teasing, high school, popularity, Oh my there are so many challenges ahead of me but at least I know there are emotional moms out there like me that are going through the exact same thing. Thanks Tere and Mom for the support :)

  6. Amy Wise says

    Brandy, this was like a flashback for me. Time flies so fast and then BOOM they are sixteen! Enjoy every minute of “littlehood.” Just last night we were leaving a Chinese restaurant where we ran into one of Tatiana’s old friends. As we were leaving her friend was in the drivers seat of her Dad’s car getting ready to head home, and Tatiana had the keys to our car in her hands getting ready to do the same. I looked at them both and said “oh my gosh I remember when you guys met in kinder…how is it possible that you are both driving home!?” It flies! Teach her well and then watch her grow. It’s all you can do. =)

    Amy

  7. Brandy says

    Thanks Amy! That must have been crazy for you. I can’t imagine how fast it’s all going to go.

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