By: Heather Somaini
Try number 9 didn’t work either. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. I was dying for Tere to pass the baton. Not because I wanted to actually be pregnant but instead because I wanted forward progression on this project we had started. I couldn’t stand that NOTHING was happening.
I know some of you are laughing hysterically right now and some of you are a little confused. Let me explain. I’m completely obsessed with completing jobs, tasks, projects – pretty much anything with a beginning, middle and an end. I finish remodels in record time, research everything to the nth degree and generally take on more than I should. I WANTED that baton. I NEEDED that baton. I was determined to get this show on the road. Tere was clearly not up to the challenge but I was SURE I was.
Tere let me know that she was finished trying. She felt she had given it a valiant effort and was satisfied that she had done her best. She could sleep at night knowing that although our kids would not come from her, she had tried. I breathed a sigh of relief and jumped up and down on the inside. It was my turn. I was determined to move the ball down the field.
Within a couple of weeks, I was on the fertility monitor and we were back to square one. Tere had been so heavily monitored while on the fertility drugs, there was no need for at-home monitoring. But we were back to the basics for me.
As I scheduled out the following few weeks, I realized there was a very good chance I wouldn’t be home when I ovulated because of a business trip. Tere and I discussed at length what our options were. 1) I could cancel my trip. 2) I could skip the month. 3) We could find a doctor in Atlanta who would be willing to do the insemination – which could be a small feat in itself. If we did, I would need to ship our donor specimen to the doctor in advance. Oy!
We agreed that I would keep monitoring my cycle and make a decision, as I got closer to ovulating. I left on my trip. I was steadily making progress on the fertility monitor and knew I was only a few days away. But then a couple days passed and my levels hit a plateau. Something wasn’t right. I decided to just keep going with my meetings and not worry about it. I never peaked. I set an appointment with Dr. S, our fertility doctor, when I got back to Los Angeles.
In the meantime, things were changing for me. I still wanted to get the job done but now I came to the conclusion that I was doing it on my own. Oh don’t get all worried, Tere was still very much there. But I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to put everything in place to raise this baby on my own. I don’t know if I was convinced Tere would leave me, but I needed to be prepared in the event she did.
I became an island. I walked around with some version of this for weeks. I tried to justify what I was thinking. Ultimately, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of bringing a baby into the world and being the one in our relationship that “takes care” of things. If I were doing both, who would take care of me if I needed them? It was an odd and impossible situation.
I prepared for the worst and started to assume that Tere would leave at some point. I began to work through all of the areas in our lives where I would start making arrangements to handle on my own. I started thinking about selling our house and where the baby and I would live and how I would afford everything on the gigantic pay cut I had taken to join a little film company on the Westside.
It became overwhelming. I was losing perspective.
On the day of my appointment, Tere was unavailable so I went to see Dr. S by myself.