Switching Teams

By: Heather Somaini

Try number 9 didn’t work either. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. I was dying for Tere to pass the baton. Not because I wanted to actually be pregnant but instead because I wanted forward progression on this project we had started. I couldn’t stand that NOTHING was happening.

I know some of you are laughing hysterically right now and some of you are a little confused. Let me explain. I’m completely obsessed with completing jobs, tasks, projects – pretty much anything with a beginning, middle and an end. I finish remodels in record time, research everything to the nth degree and generally take on more than I should. I WANTED that baton. I NEEDED that baton. I was determined to get this show on the road. Tere was clearly not up to the challenge but I was SURE I was.

Tere let me know that she was finished trying. She felt she had given it a valiant effort and was satisfied that she had done her best. She could sleep at night knowing that although our kids would not come from her, she had tried. I breathed a sigh of relief and jumped up and down on the inside. It was my turn. I was determined to move the ball down the field.

Within a couple of weeks, I was on the fertility monitor and we were back to square one. Tere had been so heavily monitored while on the fertility drugs, there was no need for at-home monitoring. But we were back to the basics for me.

As I scheduled out the following few weeks, I realized there was a very good chance I wouldn’t be home when I ovulated because of a business trip. Tere and I discussed at length what our options were. 1) I could cancel my trip. 2) I could skip the month. 3) We could find a doctor in Atlanta who would be willing to do the insemination – which could be a small feat in itself. If we did, I would need to ship our donor specimen to the doctor in advance. Oy!

We agreed that I would keep monitoring my cycle and make a decision, as I got closer to ovulating. I left on my trip. I was steadily making progress on the fertility monitor and knew I was only a few days away. But then a couple days passed and my levels hit a plateau. Something wasn’t right. I decided to just keep going with my meetings and not worry about it. I never peaked. I set an appointment with Dr. S, our fertility doctor, when I got back to Los Angeles.

In the meantime, things were changing for me. I still wanted to get the job done but now I came to the conclusion that I was doing it on my own. Oh don’t get all worried, Tere was still very much there. But I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to put everything in place to raise this baby on my own. I don’t know if I was convinced Tere would leave me, but I needed to be prepared in the event she did.

I became an island. I walked around with some version of this for weeks. I tried to justify what I was thinking. Ultimately, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of bringing a baby into the world and being the one in our relationship that “takes care” of things. If I were doing both, who would take care of me if I needed them? It was an odd and impossible situation.

I prepared for the worst and started to assume that Tere would leave at some point. I began to work through all of the areas in our lives where I would start making arrangements to handle on my own. I started thinking about selling our house and where the baby and I would live and how I would afford everything on the gigantic pay cut I had taken to join a little film company on the Westside.

It became overwhelming. I was losing perspective.

On the day of my appointment, Tere was unavailable so I went to see Dr. S by myself.


  1. says

    Wow you are determined and think and do like I would. My mom used to say what is the worse that can happen. When I visualized that and dealt with it I could move forward with less anxiety and get the job done. From your writing I get you Heather. Love your writing it draws me in.

  2. Brandy says

    I had the hardest time with the notion of passing the baton when we were trying for far too long to get pregnant. I just couldn’t let go of the idea of not being the one to carry. I felt very selfish about it and wondered how it goes for other lesbian couples- was it just me? Or is a struggle to decide who will carry common? Luckily Susan had no interest in carrying so she only considered “taking the baton” when there was no other option. In the end, I got pregnant :)
    From this blog, Tere seemed somewhat at peace with this, is that true or was there an inner turmoil boiling inside?

  3. says

    I’m sure Tere will comment herself but from my point of view, she was really at peace with it. She had tried 9 times with multiple procedures and surgeries. It was all pretty tiresome and she realized it probably wasn’t going to happen. When I gave her the option of using my eggs, I think it opened up a whole other world for her and ultimately, success.

  4. Derian Green Sr says

    Aaaarrggghhh!!! I only know the ending…the middle part is killing me! The saga is much more complex than I ever imagined. Great reading thus far…

  5. Tere says

    Brandy – I was incredibly sad to let go of the thought of carrying our baby, but I realized the bigger picture is that I wanted to become a mom. A very dear friend said something to me after the miscarriage that resonated all the way through our experience: “The universe will give you the children you were meant to have.” That gave me the strength and peace to move on to another possibility for how we would create a family.

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