Resolve

By: Danny Thomas

Well it’s a new year, and

As happens,

Maybe out of natural course,

Maybe because that’s what everyone else does

(maybe those are the same thing)…

I have been thinking about change

And resolutions.

I don’t care much for resolutions.

Here’s the thing;

I spent much of my teen years,

Like so many of us,

Filled with an antipathy for myself so profound

It was at times paralyzing.

I spent a lot of that time making lists

Of resolutions

In journals.

Ways I could be better…

Things I needed to stop messing up.

Ways I needed to change.

Eventually I realized that this was not a healthy pattern for me.

It caused a lot of guilt, negative feelings, inadequacy, helplessness…

At some point either through self reflection or good advice it occurred to me that a more enlightened approach might be to work on accepting my flaws even as I worked to improve my character.

So I guess I resent resolutions; they remind me of an ugly adolescent memory.

However…

Earlier this week

My daughter had her Winter Program

A 10 minute performance of a handful of holiday-oriented song type things…

The climax was Jingle Bells.

It had been rescheduled from mid-December, due to blizzard.

She and I spent the afternoon running errands

And hanging out at home.

We were all very excited for the program.

We had to pick up Jen and Zilla on our way…

I misjudged the time.

We missed the program.

I was mortified.

Jen was livid.

So, here’s the thing;

For me there is only one,

And really only ever has been one, resolution.

I want to be better.

I know we are human,

We make mistakes.

We are forgiven.

We learn to accept our flaws

But we want to be better too…

It is a force of nature.

Driving evolution, we want to grow, change, expand…

I make lots of little mistakes, I let people down, hurt feelings

Break stuff…

Forget.

But this was a big letdown.

All I could do was own up.

There was nothing to say but Sorry.

I guess, in this situation,

I learned to stop there.

So…

In some way

I got better.

I still haven’t forgiven myself…

I wonder which one of us will hold on to it the longest…