By: Melissa Mensavage
I was going to write about getting to where I am today, but feel overwhelmed with having to put all those thoughts into words. So I am sharing what’s been on my mind lately.
A second child.
When I was pregnant with my son, I knew I wanted to have another child. It wasn’t until I received a newsletter from the laboratory that I felt I had to do it as soon as possible. Earlier this year I had purchased what remained of the donor to use for a second child. I was comfortable with the purchase and decision and moved on to how the hell am I going to swing this financially and physically by myself?
Still haven’t figured that out yet, as I am not 100% sure that there will be a second child. I am not as young as I was when I got pregnant with my son, but at my age, even two years makes a huge difference. I’ve been on pins and needles since the purchase, wondering if I am throwing money out the door if this doesn’t work out as I hope.
Scouring the internet is not going to help this fear of not being able to achieve child #2. The only thing that will tell me what I need to know is a few tests at the fertility center. I’ve made my appointment for early July. I am scared, anxious, and hopeful all at the same time.
When I met with my OB/GYN to discuss this plan, he asked me ‘don’t you want someone to father your children?’ I could have stated the obvious but I told the truth.
‘I would love to have a man who loves me, wants to be with me, and father my children and adore them. Unfortunately the last guy I dated only wanted to text. ’
A couple of laughs, a look over his glasses, ‘you won’t get pregnant thru texting’ he says.
I feel like I am back at square one when trying to get pregnant with my son. I avoid clocks and calendars because I don’t want to be reminded of how LATE I am to this game. I am trying to let go of the fear that it is OVER and that my missed period is because of stress and not because I am heading into perimenopause. (Plenty of women get pregnant at 40, right???)
To top it all off, there is a cute fellow at work. He doesn’t meet any of my physical requirements for a potential mate: shorter (as in my height or maybe even shorter), dark hair, dark eyes. I cant help thinking maybe this is what I’ve been doing wrong all along – looking for something that physically does exist just not in the package I want. Anyway, we’ve chatted, we know each other is single, and he’s recently met my son. (Daycare is onsite at work, so he ran into us as I was dropping off.) I have no idea if he is a family-man, or if he’s even remotely interested, but I cant help think, ‘What if?’
[Photo Credit: jaredmellentine]