Sharing My Less-Than-Best Self: Hateful Confessions on a Thursday

By: Tosha Woronov

I hate summer. I hate people who love summer, who go on and on about how much they love it. People who don’t sweat. Who invite you over for a swim. Or to the beach. Every. Damn. Day. I like autumn and winter people. People who suggest coffee and a movie, or a trip to Barnes and Noble. People who get that any invitation requiring a bathing suit is offensive, presumptuous, annoying.

I often won’t bother to open photographs that people email to me. But I lie that I did. I read the jpeg description – “kids at play in Cape Cod” and I email back: “Oh my god the kids are so frickin’ CUTE! Looks like you guys had a blast!” Sometimes I get a crisis of conscience and decide to open them later. But after 15 seconds, if that attachment doesn’t open, forget it. Delete. (I will –and did –stop everything to pore over emailed photos taken at the high-school reunion that I didn’t attend.)

I do expect people to open, view, and comment specifically and with great fanfare on the pictures that I email to them. I’ll check email several times a day to see if they’ve responded. I know, I know. Messed up.

I like when Leo gets sick. I like knowing we are supposed to stay in bed late, watch TV. I like that he probably won’t want dinner, just a popsicle, or some fruit. I like that we have to cancel or decline all play dates until he’s better. I like dosing him with kids’ Motrin.

If one more person tells me they are on their way to, or just returning from, Hawaii, I’m going to throw up.

I write people off the second I see that they’ve used the wrong form of “its”. Or say “I could care less” (makes no sense -it’s couldn’t). The almost always inappropriate and unnecessary use of the word “myself”. The baffling refusal to use the word “me” (“That was so funny to Tom and I” – huh??). And I know I need to get over my issues with LOL, that it has taken over the world, but I can’t. I just…can’t.

I hate the mom who gabs nonstop during her kid’s basketball/baseball/football games, missing passes caught, plays made, points scored. Don’t you know your kid looks for you in the stands after doing something remarkable? You suck.

I am DONE with mothers who refuse to follow the basic rules of society: stand in line, don’t cut (especially your friend with her 5 kids sneaking in at the last minute to “join you”), make your kids sit still, shut the f-up (who cares about the remodel of your kitchen?), and let this poor magician (or juggler, or wildlife expert, or puppeteer) perform his free (!!) act in this public library for your rude ass.

I hate when people don’t email or text me back, but rather, decide to call.
My text: “What time are we meeting tomorrow?”
The response: phone rings.

This, too, has taken over the world and I can’t get over it: invitations to gatherings and parties that appear only on Facebook. Seriously? No one’s even using Evite anymore?

I hate adults who freak out when my dog gallops toward them at the park. I know; it’s the law. He’s supposed to be on a leash. But he’s a stuffed animal. A sweet, waggy-tailed, fluffy stuffed animal. I kinda wish he did bite.

Oh my god, the moms in Whole Foods and other high-end natural food markets! I’m in there, too. I’m buying kale, and wheat grass, and beets. I’m turning my kid on to meatless protein crumbles. But I don’t really belong there. These women in organic cotton sundresses –with their translucent skin, waif-ish arms, and tribal tattoos– they own the place. Like they started the whole…thing. How long have they been eating this shit anyway? And I hate their kids, begging for a spirulina smoothie.

Is no one going to at least admit that processed foods taste good? Really. Kraft macaroni and cheese grosses you out? Really.

I hate people who say they never watch TV. Whatever.

Or people who say they just love! to get up early.

Or…

Sigh.

I could go on and on.

But OMFG I’m hating this, too.

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Comments

  1. Brandy Black says

    I have had these days (many lately) so I couldn’t help but laugh while reading this. I’m glad you are writing again. I particularly loved the Whole Foods rant.

  2. Shannon Ralph says

    Tosha–So wonderful to read something from you again! I feel like this nine days out of ten. I also can’t wait until the weather turns cold and I can drink coffee and eat soup and wear big bulky cover-every-inch-of-me sweaters to my heart’s content. Wishing for winter is tantamount to blasphemy here in Minnesota, so I am definitely in the minority. And what the hell is a spirulina smoothie, anyway? Sounds utterly nasty to me.

  3. madgew says

    Keep ranting it is good for the soul. Having grown sons I don’t get to see some of the things anymore that you relate to. However, to get responses to email you will find that if you respond in a timely manner you too will get comments and those photos. I love them every last one of them.

  4. Tosha says

    Thanks B, Madge, and Shannon! I was so worried to post this, to publicize my surly mood. But the truth is, I’ve been a little miserable all summer (which is why I haven’t written), and I thought why not just get it all out? I’m a bit of a mess right now, might as well be honest about that.

  5. Shannon Ralph says

    You’re a mom, Tosha. “Mess” goes with the territory. Those women who seem to have it all together–the perfect wives and mothers and PTA chairs–are usually the ones who go off the deep end. Those of us who are messes do just fine. Hang in there!

  6. Jenn says

    I have been reading your posts for two years and am just now getting the courage to comment. This article in particular hit home and made me laugh (my sister is that whole foods mom). And I always think about you as I am trying to figure out what to do with all the art work that my daughter produces. Thanks for letting moms know that we are not alone and giving us a sense of humor about it.

  7. Tosha says

    Jenn, thanks for reading! Sorry for the late reply. I’m glad I was able to give you a laugh. I’m still feeling a little guilty about ranting a little viciously, and I’ve received many personal comments from friends that go along the lines of “Well, I’m glad I never sent you pictures of us frolicking in Hawaii!”

    As for the art work, it’s funny you mention that. I was just going through a new batch this week. Leo just started first grade and I wanted to have the “art in-box” emptied and ready for the inevitable huge pile of first-grade art to start coming in. I put about 60% in a paper bag with the intention of recycling it. The rest went into the forever storage box. When Leo saw the bag he asked if he could look through it, and then proceeded to ooh and ahh over every piece, and tell me where, when, and with whom he’d made it. More guilt set in. And the next day he asked what I was going to DO with the bag of art. Jeez kid! Please forget about it already! I just KNOW that the 40% of art that I DID save (lovingly and carefully) won’t matter once he asks me, three years from now, where hath gone “that picture of the brown bunny eating a carrot that I drew in kindergarten?” Sigh…

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