I’ll Just Have, Um, an Order of Ice Cream for Dinner

By: Allison Norris

When I watched Black Swan, I was so disturbed that it was hard to pinpoint what was the most upsetting part. Watching Natalie Portman’s character spin out of control from being so controlled and protected her whole life was like a train wreck – you just can’t turn away.

I say this time and time again, but I honestly don’t know what I would do without my PEPS group (my group that has been meeting every Tuesday morning since our babies were around 3 weeks old). This group of moms planned their pregnancies. They read the books and took the time to research all different styles of parenting, discipline, preschools, co-op classes, yearly rummage sales, parks, and activities. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were living on Whidbey Island, where I grew up. I don’t know that Baylor would have just finished his first soccer season last weekend, or that I would be stressed because he isn’t on any lists for preschools. This is city living motherhood and there are people everywhere telling you what to do and how fast to do it. Figuring out what to choose is a job all on its own.

I like to think I’ve picked up on mothering fairly well. I never really gave it much thought until I saw those two pink (or maybe they were blue…) lines on the test. Actually, I didn’t give any of it much thought until I pushed that little baby out of me. Delivering naturally was the first thing I felt certain about. It was the first choice that I really made about my new son – I don’t really know why I felt so strongly about it, I guess I just wanted to jump in with both feet and feel that friggin’ pain.

I sat in our weekly PEPS group and would listen to the different methods for sleep training or theories on baby food and nursing. Who knew you couldn’t give a 4-month-old peanut butter?! I’ve found that a schedule saves my life and our routine is something that I can count on, which makes everything more enjoyable. (Thank you PEPS group for telling me that babies take three naps, and then two naps and then just one. Oh, and bedtimes! And timeouts! And for letting me know which high chair to buy! You get the idea…) Yes, I’ve learned it’s alright to deviate from these schedules and routines, but for the most part, I stick to them because I think my son is benefiting from consistency – especially since he is spending time at a different house some of the time.

I’ve thought a lot about this post. I was unsure if I should write it because it’s a touchy subject. Nobody knows “the right way” to raise a child. Lord knows there are 50 million books and experts out there suggesting the next best way to do something. I just got an email from babycenter.com (a site that sends emails tracking your child’s development and milestones) explaining what to do when your toddler reverts back to waking up in the night. In the email there were 6 different paragraphs outlining what a different expert had to say. Some said to go to your crying child; others said to let him self soothe; and a different one said a combination of the two. As I said, there is no defined way to raise your child. Each child is different and requires a certain amount of attention, discipline, or love. Some are more creative where others are more physical. It really is a crap-shoot and I am still getting to know my two-year-old wonder each day.

What I will say, is that I am a believer in having control. I want my child to respect me, and understand that what I say is what goes because it is my job to make sure he is safe, and that he leads a healthy life. Don’t get me wrong, I want him to have a strong sense of independence and freedom… let’s just say that if I didn’t “have control”, my sweet baby would watch Barney 24 hours a day and eat nothing but candy. He’d never sit in his car seat (he’d be driving my car), and he certainly wouldn’t wear his helmet. He’d probably never be potty trained (he said that it’s too hard) and he’d never take a nap. He never would have stopped using a bottle (maybe he’d still be nursing) and my house would be a disaster because he doesn’t particularly like cleaning up.

I recently met a mother who is creating a real life Black Swan character. No, really. It may sound harsh, but this woman was so far off her rocker, it made me anxious and upset. I felt the same way as I did when I watched a woman spank her son as hard as she could in public at a bus stop because he let go of her hand. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her that his little 2-year-old brain doesn’t understand the concept of car and traffic lights and that her attempt at “protecting him” seemed so backwards after she just made him fly three feet into the air because of the power of her swing.

Back to Mama Swan. Let’s just say I met her in a situation where there were other moms and we were sharing about ourselves, our children, and our situations. This woman was strikingly beautiful, as was her daughter. She began speaking with an Australian accent that started to fade as she continued into her story. We discovered that she had lived in Australia for the last 3 years and is originally from Oregon. Her daughter was 2 years old and was in childcare two days a week. Sounds ok…

And then she mentioned that she still visited her daughter at the school to nurse her during the day.

And nurses her to sleep.

And throughout the night. Because they sleep in the same bed together, kicking Mama Swan all night.

And that nobody can put her to bed other than her because she won’t sleep without the nursing.

And the little girl “doesn’t like many people” so it makes it hard to ever leave her.

She also doesn’t “like sleep”.

And Mama Swan doesn’t want her sleeping over at her dad’s house, despite him wanting to see her and have her every other weekend. The little girl “isn’t ready”.

The sweet little girl didn’t leave her mother’s side…at all. She brushed the side of her head on a chair and LOST it, to which her mother cradled her in her arms and spoke only in a high pitched squeal to soothe her screaming daughter.

Hearing her talk about all of these things and observing their interaction, I asked her if she was tired because she still nurses her 2-year-old through the night. She replied, “yes, I’m absolutely exhausted.” I told her that there are many ways to parent, and I obviously have no idea what she’s already tried, but that I had experience with letting my son “cry it out, or it’s known as the Ferber method” so that he learned to calm himself on his own and within 3 days of hearing his crying dwindle down, by the third night he was sleeping a solid 10 hours. Before I could continue with “of course he goes through phases where he’ll wake sometimes because that’s what kids do…” she was standing, peering down at me. Her red face made her strawberry hair look dull, and the veins in her neck reminded me of an incredible hulk plate that Baylor eats his dinner off of.

“ACTUALLY, FERBER IS SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE NOW AND I DON’T BELIEVE IN LETTING MY CHILD SIT ALONE IN HER ROOM AND CRY!” She screamed at me. It was awkward.

I told her, of course, and that everyone has a different way of doing things, but I just thought I’d suggest something else. Some of the other moms chimed in saying that they “never let their child cry it out either” and there I was feeling like the worst mom in the room. Maybe they just didn’t want to get yelled at next.

When I got home, a friend of mine, actually a mom from my PEPS group that moved away last year, was waiting for me in my living room. She was in town for the night and stayed with me – I love her. I told her about my experience with Mama Swan and she said, “HA, they would have loved me! When my son refuses to sleep in his big boy bed, we turn the door knob around and just lock him in there! I could see his lips under the door asking to come out… but hey, now he’s sleeping in his bed!”

I guess my point is this. It’s easy to give into these little sillies. It’s easier to give Bay the piece of candy than to listen to him ask me for the next hour. It was hard to take away his bottle, and sometimes it’s really hard to get him out the door! But I know that it’s my job to ease him, slowly, into the real world and make him realize that you don’t always get what you want and that it’s important to contribute and to compromise.

Like I said, my way of doing things is probably way different than other parents, but it works for me and I’ve got a pretty well rounded, nice kid. I don’t know everything – hell, I am learning every day – but I do know that Baylor’s sleeping in his own damn bed because a sleepy mama is a Mama Swan with veins and a red face… and that doesn’t look good on anybody.