By: Lex Jacobson
As much as I wanted to believe that I would be that lucky, fertile woman who would get pregnant the first month of trying, I did not. There are good things and bad things about getting involved in an online community of other lesbians trying to get pregnant. The good thing is that it’s a wealth of information and a built-in support network. The bad thing is I’m painfully aware at how long it takes many of the couples to conceive.
I’m also privy to how it affects a couple’s relationship. Devon and I were never on the same page when it came to getting ready for this baby. I wanted it very badly and she was pretty apathetic about the whole thing, and kept pushing the idea away. It was a source of a lot of hurt and instead of trying to imagine what the other was going through, we stood our respective grounds and it was not a very nice process to go through.
Now though, Devon is right there with me, and I can’t imagine this journey being better than it currently is. She’s come around to the idea of a baby and is truly excited about being a mom. I have been a little less pushy and have done everything I can to include her in every step.
I honestly can’t fathom what it would be like if Devon had wanted to carry. She decided she didn’t want to have children (at least the ones that would grow in her uterus) when she was 16 years old. It really worked out for us, because I’ve wanted to carry children since before I can remember. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with two women who really want to carry, and having to choose which one “gets” to. It must be such a hard topic, especially if a couple only wants/can afford one child.
Another thing I’ve noticed with some other lesbian couples is sensitivities around the roles of non-bio moms. For the vast majority of heterosexual parents, the men are the biological father. With the vast majority of lesbian couples using donors that are not related to the non-bio mom, there is an added layer of potential detachment. I don’t want Devon to feel as though she’s an “other” with nothing to give. I want her to feel as an equal to me, even if she isn’t the one pushing the child out her vagina or breast-feeding.
Through this whole process, I keep having to remind myself that although I really want Devon’s baby, I can’t have it. It sounds silly. Of course she can’t get me pregnant. When Devon and I were choosing a donor, I really had to mourn the loss of a perfect combination of both of us, and come to terms with the fact that I’m going to have some random dude’s kid when all I want is my partner’s kid.
It’s been a good lesson in biology though. It really makes you question how important blood ties are. Who gives a shit if you’re related to a baby, when that baby is 100% yours, and you are going to be that baby’s mother no matter what? The modern family has evolved, people, and I hope that the rest of the world keeps evolving too.
Devon’s blood or not, this child is going to have two kick-ass moms.