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The Cost of Being Gay
January 5, 2012 by Lex Jacobson
Filed under Family, Lex Jacobson, Same Sex Parent
By: Lex Jacobson
Ah, a new year.
The year 2010 brought some marital troubles and other awful things. 2011 was a year of healing and change – better than 2010, but still tough. If history repeats itself, 2012 will be better yet. I’m hoping that we will conceive in 2012. In fact, we have to, as I’m not sure we will be able to continue trying, financially, for much longer. It’s the bitter truth about being a gay (almost) parent who wants to have a biological child of one of the partners. We don’t have unlimited access to free sperm. Gay men don’t have unlimited access to free eggs and a uterus. Where I live, it is illegal to use a turkey baster method at home with donor sperm. So instead, we have to pay a doctor $200 to do what we are perfectly capable of. It’s not worth the energy to get my knickers in a knot over the price of all of this (though I’ve spent plenty of energy on it already), but it’s hard not to go there sometimes.
The New York Times did a feature on “The High Price of Being a Gay Couple” a few years ago, which is a good read. It compares a hypothetical gay couple to a hypothetical straight couple and explores the extra costs that gay couples have in areas such as taxes, health insurance, social security, pension and childbearing. We are lucky to live in North America where childbearing is legal and relatively accessible to gay people, though the costs do seem unethical (for straight people too!). It is yet another hurdle we need to get over in order to have what we’ve dreamed of our whole lives.
Not fair. But again, there is no point dwelling on it. It’s not going to change any time soon. It’s just how it is. And whatever we have to do to get this extra little heartbeat into our homes will be worth it. Bring on a fertile and healthy 2012.
Whatever you are looking for this year, I hope you find it. Happy new year, everyone. Be good to each other.
Lex, I know it will happen. Enjoy your vacation and just breathe. Happy New Year.
Lex, my partner & I live in WI, each attempt at AI costs and estimated $1000. The cost of shipping donor sperm to the hospital freezer, the fertility medication, the ovulation predictor kits, the ultrasounds to measure egg growth, the hCg shot to make those eggs release on demand, then the insemination (done at the office here too), and finally the pregnancy test. If you’re lucky enough to actually concieve and carry to term, then there is the expense (here at least) of doing a two parent adoption. That costs an additional $6000ish to ensure that in the event of a partners death, your child is not ‘claimed’ by a relative and taken from the non-birth mother. It’s a financial disaster that most straight couples will never need to experiance.
Best of luck to you! The least expensive donor bank we found that our clinic would use is Northwest Cryobank out of Spokane, WA. Much less cost per vial than CA Cryobank.
This comes right on time… We just decided not to go to Denmark this month because flight timing and expenses were absolutely unreasonable, and we don’t want to let me go by myself, not on our second attempt anyway. So here I am, at 36, wasting a precious egg! Looks like the holidays and a bit of flu spoiled our preparedness. We started thinking about kids almost one year ago, but it looks like we still have things to discuss and make up our mind about. It feels so unfair to have to go through this, emotionally and financially, but it is the only way for us and we are so going to be in Copenhagen in February, right on our 10th anniversary
Sara – that sounds about right. It costs us about $1000 each time too. Our experience (and needs) are very similar to you. We would love to use Northwest, but where we live (Canada), we have our choice of two US sperm banks, as per Health Canada (our FDA). Good luck to you!
Diana – I can’t imagine that extra hurdle of a plane ride. Congrats on your 10th anniversary and good luck in Copenhagen! I always hear people say that once your baby is born, you forget about the costs to get it here in the first place, but right now, it’s tough to block out the money factor.