Cookie Jar – Redux

By: Tosha Woronov

Almost two years ago I posted a blog about the nutty stuff my kid has said. We have a jar in the playroom stuffed with scraps of paper, each depicting a Leo quote and the date he said it. Partly because I don’t know what to write about, and partly because it’s a new year and I’m feeling nostalgic, I decided to revisit the jar, now that two years have passed…

Age 5 [referring to a commercial where a guy gets his chest waxed]: Remember that part where the man has his fur ripped off his nibbles?

Age 5: Mom, who will be in the World Serious tonight?

Age 5.5 [sees his first Big Mac; Daddy asks him if he knows what it's called]: It’s a double burger triple bun cheeseburger.

Age 5.5 [was shooting hoops in backyard by himself]: Mom! I had an accident! (Why?) Well, I had to go pee, but I had to make the foul shot, and I made it, and Syracuse – I’m Syracuse, and we beat Providence, and, and - (That’s fine, but you still have to stop if you need to pee. Call a timeout or something.) I had no timeouts left!

Age 5.5: Daddy, you are the worst kisser! Your kisses are tiny and rude!

Age 5.5: When I grow up I’m going to be a sports teacher – baseball, basketball, football, all sports. I’ll have a sports league for grownups. I’ll teach you. Even if you’re old, I’ll teach you. Ooh-will you be old?

Age 5.5 [completely out of the blue]: Did you guys know that cold bacon, when you first put it in your mouth, is disgusting, but after you swallow it, it’s delicious?

Age 5.5 [kissing the dog on the lips]: You taste like tortillas. Like tortillas from Sharky’s.

Age 5.5 [after a long drive back from a baseball game]: My head hurts! I’ve been driving all day!

Age 5.75 [after the first day of kindergarten]: Kindergarten is going to be so hard! (How so?) All this homework I keep hearing about!

Age 5.75: Do you know what I want? Directv, HDTV, and Promotions on Demand.

Age 5.75 [learning to draw stars in kindergarten]: Mom, please help me make a normal star – a California star, not a Jewish star.

Age almost-6 [joking about where he'd go to college; Mommy wants him to stay in CA; Daddy said he'll go where he went, Syracuse]: I’m not going to Syracuse! I can’t fly on a plane everyday!

Age almost-6 [Red Sox third baseman retires; is given the third base from Fenway Park to keep]: Oh good. Now he can practice with it at home!

Age 6 [to his friend as he leaves a birthday party; eyeing all the unopened presents]: I’m leaving now. Good luck with those gifts.

Age 6 [a holiday party at home; introducing his favorite cousin to his best school friend]: Tell him your name. Now you tell him your name. And you both know me. Ok, good. Let’s go play.

Age 6 [in kindergarten, making a sculpture out of cardboard tubes; another parent asks "what are you making?"]: Just something from the 80s.

Age 6 [sees my mineral makeup-concealer]: Oh, I know that stuff. I saw it on TV. It’s for your pitbulls. (What are “pitbulls”?) Those polka-dots on your face.

Age 6.75 [his friend has a tick on his shoulder; other mom and I freaking out, trying to get it off]: Ooh, is that a piece of chocolate? Can I have it?

Age almost-7: Remember when I caught that pop fly in my game? You know, the second pop fly of my career?

Age almost-7: If some people have a really healthy breakfast, like 10% salt and only 20% sugar, then they can have ice cream before lunch.

Age almost-7 [was kissing him and asked if he would still love his mama even when he was a teenager]: I don’t want to be a teenager![starts crying hard] Teenagers are bad! They are! They get in trouble! They’re going to say “come with me” and then I will be in trouble too!

Age 7 [just distraught that it's bedtime]: What do you guys do when I go to bed? Do you do art and play the Wii?! [Yes, we bust out the glitter glue as soon as you go to sleep.]

Age 7: Daddy, next Christmas, I want a Capital One card, so I can earn 50% more cash with each purchase.

Age 7 [New Year's Eve 2011; at an arcade; playing the "claw" game; he's good at it --has won over 30 stuffed animals; wins not one, but TWO this time; pulls out the second one and exclaims]:
What a YEAR!

Yes Leo, it was. And here’s to the new one…

Now parents, use the comments section to share the wacky things your kid has said!

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Comments

  1. says

    I love the Capital One Card comment. Commercials really do work according to Leo. Love his comments on life and love that you save them. Happy New Year.

  2. Jenn says

    This is such an awesome idea. I will have to steal it for my three year old who already has some really great one-liners.

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