Stop Telling Me I’m Crazy

By: Brandy Black

The Insanity of Hormones while nursing

I knew I was hormonal when I began the fertility drugs, I knew it was worse when I got pregnant but now that I have had these babies and am nursing, it’s as bad as ever. I remember this very clearly from the first time around with my daughter Sophia. I would begin crying for no particular reason and was not able to stop myself. It is now a familiar feeling when my blood begins to boil and I get so frustrated (over the tiniest of things) that my face literally gets red and I could throw things through windows. But you know what gets me the most riled up, what angers me beyond belief? When my wife tells me I’m crazy. A word of advice to the dads and non-birth mothers: don’t ever tell your spouse she is insane or losing it because we already know. I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together through the sleepless nights and the nursing schedule and the sometimes lonely days. I actually convince myself that I’m doing well, I’ve got it under control and I’m super mom until I’m reminded that I’m not the same sane Brandy Black that my wife once knew.

Let me explain why this hurts so much. I want desperately to be that girl again with a balanced life. When you have babies there is none of that. I go out with friends, it’s quick and with time limitations and there are jokes of pump and dump and I don’t quite feel myself because a part of me is always missing when my babies aren’t with me by my side. I feel outside of myself and often completely out of the loop. I’m so tired that it’s all I can do to keep up the façade of a regular person. Some advice to stay home and not push myself with social outings but honestly I need them to keep me sane even if I feel like an alien when I actually get out the door. I love to get dressed up, wear cute jeans and heels, but once I’m out I feel like I’m fooling myself into thinking that I’m the person I used to be, like everyone must look at me and know that I’m a mother of three and should be at home feeding my babies rather than out among the cool people.

I understand it’s all in my head but it’s very real to me. I know this too shall pass. I remember when it did with Sophia and it was incredible to feel like me again, me with a much more interesting life to share. I was able to rid myself of guilt for leaving the house and actually enjoy time out with friends. But now, I wait, loving my children and knowing that “my” time will come again. But through this internal struggle I need to know that my significant other “gets it”, that she, no matter how batty I am, will understand how tough this part is and remind me that somewhere deep inside I’m still that fun, balanced, smart, interesting person that she once knew and was attracted to.

So a special thanks to those friends who have stuck in there with me in this muddled period in my life, that have called to go to drinks and not assumed that a mother of three has no time. There should always be time to be reminded of how much I am loved and how many friends I adore. I need you more than you probably know. I promise I won’t throw plates and if I do maybe you should just join in the fun, there are few times in life you can actually get away with total insanity.

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Comments

  1. says

    So sorry you are having these thoughts and issues but sleep deprivation can do it every time. Brandy, this too shall pass but it is an awful feeling when it rears it’s ugly head and you seem by yourself in it all. Also, support is so important and some just don’t get it. I do and I am here for you as you know. You have a month left before going back to work which might actually bring some order back to your life but your ducks must be in a row. If you need anything call me and I will be there to help you.

  2. Holly V says

    Sending you blessings from afar! This is a really difficult time…wonderful but terrible at the same time, and I appreciate you for having the courage to admit that. I wish more women would!

    Anyway, hang in there and know that we’re all pulling for you.

  3. Jen says

    I remember that feeling vividly. It was less poignant with the second baby but definitely still there. I dread and look forward to having a third because of this life period. You aren’t alone and you just need to keep remembering “this too shall pass”.

  4. B says

    No one has the right to ever call you crazy especially when you can’t sleep and your body is going thru so many changes. What you deserve is love, comfort and compassion.

  5. Brandy Black says

    Go get her Mom! :)
    Actually I really didn’t write this to throw Susan under the bus. It was more of an effort to talk honestly about what happens in a lot of marriages when newborns and kids are in the picture. It’s not easy and sometimes I think its just us but than I start talking to other parents and this yucky feeling is more common than I thought. I guess its a reminder that we need to take care of one another or else things will spiral out of control.

    Thanks for all the support! I needed it this week!
    This too shall pass..this too shall pass…this too shall pass…
    xo
    PS- Susan isn’t so bad, she’s been redeeming herself rapidly! And I’m well I won’t so crazy but likely pretty difficult.

  6. says

    Oh, Brandy! I have been there. Having twins is such a hard job–at least in the beginning. Life becomes a blur. You will find yourself again. You may find that you are even smater,more interesting, more fun, more balanced, and generally a better person when all the dust settles. Love those babies and see your friends when you can. Believe it or not, this period flies by. You are perfectly fine and doing an exceptional job. Don’t doubt yourself, honey. You are FINE.

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