The Road To Success
By: Ann Brown
Despite what Facebook is telling me, I am NOT ready to maximize blog readership by using Pinterest. Chalk it up to my dearth of ambition (it is nearly the crack of noon and I am still in my pajamas) or to my decision to learn NOTHING new anymore because, really, don’t we all know enough shit at this point in our lives? Maximizing anything seems, well, exhausting.
I am not about maximizing. Even my bra is minimizing.
I am, however, still working on designing a double-headed yamulka out of my old bras. You know, for Jewish twins conjoined at the head. I want to make Judaism accessible for everyone because, frankly, our people cannot afford to lose anyone. You know, what with Madonna and Scarlett and Lindsay and Demi probably not being in it for the long run.
I hold no truck with these people, these celebrity Jews. For one thing, they look happy. Well, not Demi, not lately, but still. I don’t know what kind of sick Judaism they are practicing, but it is NOT supposed to make you happy, for fuck’s sake. Judaism is supposed to make you worried. And constipated. And then, hungry. For a nice piece chicken. Broiled, no skin. Our people are all about chicken. And cleaning. In that reverse order.
Take me, for instance. Right now, I am extremely worried that one day I will be constipated from eating chicken with the skin on, and stuck sitting somewhere in a funky bathroom. I am Jewish through and through, baby.
The ambition thing, however, probably flies in the face of my cultural history. Jews are not, for the most part, a slacker people. My ancestors had to have possessed at least a modicum of ambition because, well, they came to America. I would have stayed back in Russia, worrying about the chicken, cleaning my hovel. Waiting until I had a good poop.
So, no, Pinterest, I will maximize my blog readership in the way God intended: I will worry.
And then, eat.