Another Childless Holiday Passed

By: Lex Jacobson

The holidays are especially hard when you’re trying to conceive and haven’t had any luck. Whether it’s watching your nieces and nephews on their egg hunt or dodging questions at the dinner table about how our process is going, it’s exhausting.

Which is why we boycotted Easter this year. For the first time in a long time, didn’t want to hang out with our family. Just wanted to be with our little two-person family that we are now.

I can’t wait until we have our child and it is old enough to believe in the Easter Bunny, or Santa or the Tooth Fairy or hopefully all three. I love the excitement, the early morning rise to see what’s been brought to the house while everyone has been asleep. I want that kind of magic in my house. And I know eventually it will, but it’s really tough not to have a timeline of when we might finally get to grow our family.

As much as I appreciate the constant “it will happen soon” (or rather, I should say I appreciate where it is coming from, not the actual words), it drives me absolutely nuts. Part of me wants people to just ignore the fact that we are even trying to get pregnant. But part of me really does appreciate the interest. I know people care and I know people want me to be a mum so very much.

There was a time where I decided I didn’t want anyone to know we were starting the insemination process. I only told one friend for the first little while, but it’s become the #1 most important thing in my life and I’ve ended up telling quite a few of my friends – close friends and acquaintances, actually; nothing in between – because it seems as though I’m holding so much back from them if I don’t (and it’s just easy to tell acquaintances because they have nothing invested in it).

I will see all of my best friends tomorrow. We are celebrating my friend’s daughter’s first birthday. I am not the only childless member of the group, though it is just me and one other person, who is getting married this summer and plans to try for a baby in September. While I wish her luck, I think my heart would quite possibly break if she got pregnant before I did.

Although we boycotted Easter, tomorrow is another kind of celebration with kids. One of my best friends will be there with her three-week-old son. Another with her three-year-old. And yet another with two kids. And as always, I will feel empty handed and a little out of place. But this is our life right now, and whatever we need to do to get through these tough days, we will.

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Comments

  1. Madgew says

    Lex, I know this is a very tough thing for you and your are handling it so open and honestly. You will be a Mom one way or the other that is for sure.

  2. Kerrie Olejarz says

    Lex, I too know this agony. There is NOTHING that makes it easier, no words can help. I too avoided all the kid stuff, and when the continual announcements of “We are pregnant” came, I fell into a deep dark internal struggle. Now, after 15 years of losses, we finally have a daughter through surrogacy and I thought this would wipe away the pain…not so much. It has helped, but the wounds are deep. If you ever need to vent, I am here for you!!

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