By: Lex Jacobson
Well, it’s the post I’ve been waiting to write since I started writing for The Next Family over a year ago, and yet I don’t really know where to start.
How ‘bout: I’m pregnant.
It seems easy enough to say, but there have just been so many emotions powering through me over the past few weeks, nothing seems to make sense. But there are no ifs about it – I’m definitely pregnant, and praying each day that this baby holds on and we’ll get to meet our first son or daughter early next year.
My partner was out of town when I just knew. My boobs (which I’ve never really given a passing thought to, because they’re hardly there) felt like they were going to explode and I could smell things that I’ve never been able to smell before. I didn’t want to test until Devon got home from her trip, but I picked up some home pregnancy tests on the way to the airport, and peed on a stick as soon as we got home.
Seeing those two blessed lines was overwhelming. Although I was “feeling pregnant,” my protective mind was saying that it was because I was feeling sick, or tired, or it was all in my head. But those two lines made everything real. The blood test the next day exemplified that feeling.
We’re thrilled. Yet terrified. It’s a sketchy time, these first few months, when there is nothing to do but wait and hope and pray that things will stick. With my depression and my treatment for depression, I am at a higher risk of miscarriage, but overall, I’ve been able to let myself dream that this is it. This may just be it.
Nine long months of trying and two years of medication prep before that have made this a very long road. I don’t know what I’d do if that road were to end, because I can’t imagine what it would be like to do this for another nine months. The stakes are high.
I’ve been surprised at how good my mood has been so far. I know we’re hardly six weeks in, and despite the anxiety around losing this pregnancy (which I think is fairly normal), my mood has held and I do feel strong. Who knows what the next 34 weeks will bring, but for now, I feel very lucky to be where I am. And I can’t wait to finally meet our baby.