When Do You Feel Like a Mom?

June 25, 2012 by  
Filed under Family, Kerrie Olejarz, Surrogacy

By: Kerrie Olejarz

 

After all we had been through it was difficult to feel like a mom, whatever that was supposed to feel like.  I cared for this little girl with love and concern, but did this make me a mom?  I often felt like Cailyn was on loan to us, not ours to keep.  Finally at the six-month point we decided to have professional photos taken of Cailyn and us.  It was at this point, seeing the final photos of us as a family, looking so happy and complete that I think…I felt like a mom.  Upon receiving the online proofs, I would sit and stare at the family shots in awe.  This was it, finally, we were a family. But is being a family and feeling like a mom one in the same?   Despite being a family, what was a mom?  I decided not to wear high-waisted mom jeans and white runners.  I didn’t drive a mini van and not every conversation I had was about the baby.  Sure, I looked disheveled and didn’t bathe for days on end, but did that make me a mom? I proudly wore clothing covered in spit up, my hair was always tied back, and I didn’t care that the crotch in my yoga pants was full of holes. I don’t think moms give up on their appearances, maybe just go on hiatus for the first few months with baby due to lack of sleep and routine.   I am not sure, other than in the dictionary, that there really is a true definition of a mom.   When I googled the word mother, I find ” a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent”, so by this definition I was, and am, a mom/mother.  I guess I struggled with becoming “mom” because I didn’t have the nine months to feel this little one grow.  Instead, I received frequent emails from India with ultrasound pictures; I was having a baby by email! I held off on all things baby until 32 weeks in fear that something would go wrong.  I spent almost fifteen years shielding my emotions and covering up how desperately I wanted to be a mom.  The turning point for me was when Cailyn reached for me randomly one day; this meant she wanted or needed me, and it was at this moment that the reality of who I now am was very clear.  I am a mom, I feel like a mom, and my baby calls me Mama.

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Comments

4 Responses to “When Do You Feel Like a Mom?”
  1. Madgew says:

    And your are the best!!!!! So glad you have Cailyn and everything is full and bright in your home. What a joy.

  2. She really is a joy! Love every minute!

  3. Savhana says:

    Hi
    I am trying to find out information on the clinic you worked with and what advise do you have for me as we are working on going through this process.

  4. Hi Savhana, I have emailed you. Keep in touch!
    For other readers, we worked with SCI in New Delhi India.

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