By: Shannon Ralph
As I sit on the precipice of my 40th year, I am finding myself becoming a bit more reflective. More thoughtful. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin and better aware of who I am as a person. What I enjoy. What I value. What I know to be true. Today, I present to you a list.
15 Things I Know About Myself at Age 39 ¾:
- Chances are slim that I will ever be an athlete. And I am okay with that. I will, however, continue to buy running shoes, as I like to cultivate the aura of an athlete. And I like the pretty colors.
- My daughter is both my sweetest reward for all of the good I have ever done in my 39 ¾ years on this Earth AND my punishment for all of the hell I have ever unleashed on my unsuspecting family and friends. On her birthday every year, we observe a moment of silence to commemorate the day Mommy became Karma’s bitch.
- I can occasionally wear capri pants without feeling like a fat girl who wears capri pants. Not always. Just sometimes.
- The fact that I have had basically the same hairstyle—varying the length by only an inch or two—for the last 20+ years is proof positive that I am not a risk-taker, despite my protestations to the contrary.
- Jägermeister tastes like shit for a reason.
- I do not now, nor will I ever—no matter how many times I drink it and regardless of the number of flavors I ingest—like tea. I don’t have it in me.
- Buying a bathing suit will never be something I enjoy.
- I do, however, enjoy bossing people around without actually being ultimately responsible. Apparently, I missed my calling as a politician.
- I will one day die, never having achieved even a basic, rudimentary understanding of how the stock market really works.
- I like wine.
- I used to think that I was ill-equipped to raise boys. I now realize that I am ill-equipped to raise even a common house plant.
- I take competition to an ugly place. I am competitive to the point that Ruanita refuses to play most common board games with me. It is not an attractive trait.
- I have no need of illicit drugs. I can get the same forbidden high cleaning out my ears with a Q-tip.
- I like dogs more than I like most people.
- Being a mother is my greatest accomplishment in life. And I do not say that merely out of a lack of other accomplishments.