Advice for a Non-Bio Mom?

By Lex Jacobson

My wife Devon has been a dream through this pregnancy. She’s so thoughtful and does things for me before I even think about them. She’s always been supportive, but I’ve never seen her like this. It kind of makes my heart melt every single day. I’m extremely lucky.

Devon is extremely excited to be a mom but I think she’s struggling a little bit with what she’s supposed to feel during the pregnancy part… and also what her role will be when the baby comes, but for now, the pregnancy. She’s read several stories from Confessions of the Other Mother and her overall comments so far have been that, unlike many of the other mothers, she doesn’t have a drive to be masculine and fatherly. Yes, she’s protective of me, but she’s always been. She also does not hold any of the resentment that many non-bio moms in the book seem to hold for not being the body that bears the child.

As I talk about the stories and posts I read on pregnancy forums, she often asks whether I’ve seen any such sites or resources for non-bio moms. We’ve searched for websites that support non-bio moms and though we’ve found an odd story and anecdote here and there, there really isn’t much. I’m wondering if any of you have any advice or resources that I can pass on to her. I want her to feel as supported as I feel, but I am at a loss as to how to help her.

I just need to say that it’s not like she’s extremely affected and can’t move past this; it’s definitely not like that. I guess I’m feeling as though she’s doing SO much for me, I just want to do something for her. There are a billion support systems for pregnant women, but yeah – it’s like it’s the dark side for the non-bios.

She’s not sure what she wants to be called when the baby comes. For a while, she wanted to be “Mama D” but that’s something I really don’t like, because to me, I can just see the “Mama” being dropped and our kid ending up calling her Devon and me Mum. That might work for some people, but I want her to be an equal and for some reason, having a “mom” name is part of it. I will start by being Mumma and end up with Mum (British background) and just today she said that “Mommy/Mom” might be okay… but it’s taken a long time to get here. Not sure what we’ll end up with, but I guess we don’t need to think about it at this point.

Anyway, any advice on the resources would be splendid.

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Comments

  1. Madgew says

    It will probably come to you when the baby is born and it will be perfect for you and Devon. SO glad the pregnancy is going so well.

  2. Samantha says

    My partner and I have each birthed a child, so we are familiar with both roles, bio and non-bio. I think the thing that Devon needs to keep in mind is this…
    When your little bundle arrives both parents assume a role of protector, nurturer, and care-giver. This role is almost automatically assumed regardless of biology. At least it was in our case.
    Remind Devon that pretty soon both of you, and everyone else, will forget the bio part of the equation. This doesn’t discount your role as birth mother, it just supports that the three of you will be a family unit regardless, again, of blood relation.
    At the end of the day, you’re a mother now and Devon’s a mother now. It’s just that currently within that role, you’re assuming a position of “baby-grower” and Devon is assuming a position of supporter. Both are equally important roles, but, remember, that will all change once the baby is here and you will both be “momma diaper changer, momma cuddler, momma night-time soother, and momma teacher.” There really is no room to be defined as bio-mom and non-bio mom.
    Congrats again on your pregnancy! You and Devon will be great!

  3. John Jericiau says

    Lex,

    I’m with you. I’m Daddy because I like being called Daddy. Alen is Papa which is the typical Armenian father. We have friends who have gone with Daddy Dave and Daddy Mike, but it doesn’t sound right to me to have your child use your first name. Now that Devin is in kindergarten, he seems so comfortable pointing to us as he introduces us to friends ” This is my Daddy, and that is my Papa.” It seems like this allows a child to wrap their brain around the presence of two equal same sex adults a little bit easier.

    I’m really excited for you guys. Isn’t it the most amazing feeling to be expecting Mommy … oops I mean Mumma?

  4. Susan howard says

    Hey you all congrats on the new addition.
    This is to Devon:
    Sounds like you are already on it Devon taking care of your wife’s needs.
    Brandy and I have 3 none biologically mine, and I don’t feel like “dad” nor should you have too.
    Warning you may have a post natal hot mess on your hands for at least 3 months after delivery.
    Also there was in our circumstance a mama bird thing where the birth mother was super over protective
    This will come and go a well, somewhat.
    For whatever reason I took on a more physical role with the kids flipping them upside down and stuff, maybe cause I didn’t want them to be whimps with two moms.
    Either way I am sure you will be great.
    It’s such a trip.

  5. Brandy Black says

    Hi Lex I love reading that you are thinking about this because I too thought all of this stuff through and worried about it all the time. We were going to go with Mama B and Mama S and then true to course with most things that happened with our daughter, things developed organically and when our daughter called me Mama Susan took on the title Mom and now it’s just totally natural.
    My wife Susan is I think typing a comment to you in bed next to me as she can speak to the non-bio thing more than me. I can only imagine it’s hard and honestly I think after you have the baby it’s quite possibly harder, especially if you nurse but suddenly at around 9 months when the baby calls your wife by her chosen name like our baby daughter did today when she said “Mom” to Susan for the first time, her world will be rocked in the most amazing way. I can’t tell you how many times throughout the day Susan said “she called me mom”, “she asked for me”, “she knows my name.” Suddenly everything comes together and it gets easier.
    That said, there is a blog called “Lesbian Dad” that I really like and i have actually been looking for a writer on this very topic, kind of been begging my wife and she’s writing pieces here and there.

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