Insemination Cookies

By Evie Peck

I know it sounds crazy, but once I got up at 5am to bake cookies for my new fertility doctor. He was supposed to be the best in town and I guess I was over compensating, because I was nervous about being a single woman trying to get pregnant… and… our first meeting didn’t go so well.

I waited in the lobby of The Fancy Clinic for an hour. When I finally met Dr. X he barely let me say hello before he launched into a lecture of percentages and facts about fertility in women over 40.

“I’m doing this alone and my best friend, who is gay, is the sperm donor,” I said, not caring about the statistics but needing him to know who I was.

Dr. X held up his hand, “Don’t interrupt. I will ask you questions after I’m finished.”

Interrupt? This was supposed to be a consultation, not a sermon. I didn’t like Dr. X. He was rude and cold and I certainly didn’t want him sticking his fingers in my vagina. But this guy was supposed to be the best so I wanted to stay.

And I started to cry.

“Why are you crying?” Dr. X demanded.

“I’m just overwhelmed and emotional,” I told him between sobs.

“Well there’s nothing to be emotional about… yet,” he replied.

I wanted to stand up and yell, “Would you be so condescending if I had a husband sitting here next to me?” But mostly, I wanted him to like me so instead I got up at 5am to bake cookies for him. They were M&M chocolate chip.

The day of the insemination, Dr. X and his female assistant walked into the room with quick hellos. Dr. X grabbed the catheter off a sterile, silver tray and lifted up the paper cloth across my lap and put his head all the way under it, so that it was just his head and my crotch under the paper tent. It was unnerving. Why was he up so close in there?

I was lying back, looking at the ceiling trying not to think about this unpleasant person with his nose in my most private spot when all of a sudden, Dr. X spoke. His words echoed as they bounced off the thin cloth on my lap.

“Mmmmm, it smells good in here!”

EWWW!!! WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shuddered and almost pulled my legs off of the table.

How can he say something like that to me!!!!!!????? My face got hot and red. I looked at the female assistant and then…..

Then… I remembered the cookies. The hot cookies I had just baked had made the room smell like a bakery.

Oh my god. I started to laugh.

Dr. X continued his work up my snatch as I looked at his assistant for at least a smile. She gave me nothing.

When Dr. X was done, I pointed to the bag in the corner. “I made you some cookies,” I said.

He selected a cookie out of the bag and took a big bite. “Thanks. I have a big sweet tooth.”

I guess the cookies worked. He seemed to like me now. I inadvertently squeezed my legs together.

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Comments

  1. says

    Good thing this story has a happy ending. I don’t think a doctor has to be rude at all. Having worked for doctors for years they can be gentle and nice. It is not that hard. A good way to tell the good ones is how long their staff has been there. If there are new staff choice a new doctor. It says more than you know.

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