By: Tom Butts

Okay, I find this odd, maybe even offensive.  Sean Hayes, who played “Jack McFarland” on Will & Grace is gay as…well, gayer than a three dollar bill, right?  When I saw this headline I thought to myself, wow, now you’re going to tell me that Richard Simmons is gay.  You want to know why this pisses me off, well; I’m going to tell you either way.  I equate closeted people with those Republican hypocrites that take wide stances in toilet stalls at Midwest airports.  Seriously, how can we move forward and just be part of every day life if people pretend they are someone they’re not.  My rant continues below…

After years of refusing to directly answer questions about his sexuality, Sean Hayes finally sits down with a major gay publication to reveals that he is indeed gay. Some quotes from his interview in the April edition of the Advocate:

“I am who I am. I was never in, as they say. Never.”
(What the f*ck does this mean?  Sorry, still a bit pissed off about him at this point.)

“Why would you go down that path with somebody who’s done so much to contribute to the gay community?” he asks. “That was my beef about it.  What more do you want me to do?  Do you want me to stand on a float?  And then what?  It’s never enough.”
(The level of arrogance…ugh)

“I feel like I’ve contributed monumentally to the success of the gay movement in America, and if anyone wants to argue that, I’m open to it.  You’re welcome, Advocate.”
(Because he played a gay character…WTF…thank you Sean, you have liberated the GLBT community…)

Okay, I’m finished with my comments.  I’ll just end by saying, “he’s no Ellen Degeneres”.  RANT COMPLETE.

By: Tony Tripoli

You know how celebs are always saying they were in bed asleep when the Oscar nominations came out, and the phone woke them up, when in reality, you know they were perched on the edge of the bed with a Meryl Streep voodoo doll and a pint of Ben and Jerrys, hoping to hear their names called?

Well, that’s ME when they announce a new batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants.

Sadly, again this year, I was not on the list. But, at least Niecy Nash was. And, she’s practically a gay guy.

Boo-ya!

Also making the cut was the most recent himbo Bachelor, who is just doing it to stay away from Vienna, as well as Kate Gosselin, who is for sure doing it to stay away from those kids of hers. Seriously, she saw them at Christmas, and she gooooood.

Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon, but even then was REALLY slow, so….you do the math.

Shannen Doherty has a shot, as long as she only looks out of her good eye,

and Pamela Anderson will at least be entertaining. Watching her try the Vienese Waltz in those Lucite stripper shoes of hers will be must – see TV.

But, my prediction for the champ: soap hunk Aiden Turner,

who is paired with the always sexy Edita Sliwinska. These two are so hot, I’m not sure which one I wanna make out with first!

Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson was on the View this week,

and, was asked if he would ever date an older woman. His answer: ”I think Betty White is probably one of the sexiest women in America. She’s vibrant; it’s sexy. I think the more age the better.”

During the commercial break, things took an awkward turn when Barbra Walters asked if he’d be interested in “banging the LifeAlert bracelet right offa me”.

US Magazine claims that Real Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciack is about to come out of the closet. And, not in some tacky outfit, as per usual, but with a lesbian lover!

They say she has been dating DJ Tracy Young for the past 3 months.

I’m not saying she’s a narcissist, but doesn’t her girlfriend look exactly like her, without the wig and drag makeup?

Oh, and, she’s totally a narcissist.

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Sources claim that Tiger Woods has received phone calls from both President Obama, and former President Bill Clinton.

Obama chastised him for “Making us all look bad” and Clinton said “You go, brother!!! Haha. Damn, I’m just green with envy, brohiem. We gotta grab us a couple beers and chase some tail once this blows over….”

The singing and dancing cast of the hit show GLEE has announced a muli-city tour this May.

Expect arenas full of former class nerds that don’t think they are still nerds, but, are.

Jessica Simpson has been tweeting her love advice. Ok,…. thanks?

Her nuggets of wisdom include: “You can’t love someone else to change them. Happiness comes from accepting who they are.”

I guess she learned that after not accepting who Nick Lachey, Tony Romo, and John Mayer are.

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You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.

Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)

OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.

Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.

[photo credit Buzz: Flickr member Mharrsh]

[photo credit Edyta: Flickr member burningkarma]

By: Tom Butts

ABC News’ take on things…

An angry Senator Jim Bunning refused to answer questions from ABC News about his decision to block a bill extending unemployment benefits; he is holding up funding for thousands of families.  The exchange took place as Senator Bunning was getting into an elevator in the Hart Senate Office Building.  “Excuse me!  This is a Senator’s-only elevator!” Bunning thundered.  I tried again to ask his reasons for blocking the bill, Bunning said he already explained his reasons last Thursday, when he said he wanted the $10 billion cost of the bill to be paid for, rather than simply adding to the national debt.  “Excuse me!” he yelled.  “I’ve got to go to the floor!”  As the doors closed, I asked Bunning if he is concerned about those losing their benefits.  He did not answer.  This is all on-camera.  Senator Bunning was even more expressive before the cameras arrived, using a little sign language.  When Senate producer Z. Byron Wolf spotted Bunning exiting his office, Bunning said, “I’m not talking to anybody.”  When Wolf asked him to stay and talk to our cameras, Bunning walked toward the elevator and shot the middle finger over his head.

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Here’s the Tom Butts take on things…

Senator Bunning has explosive diarrhea and the Viagra he’s using isn’t working.  He was in a hurry to get to the elevator because he was about to crap his pants.  Earlier, the “middle finger” was caused by his failure to react to Viagra.  Think about it, what’s worse than explosive diarrhea and being flaccid all the time?  I guess the one thing that works in his favor is that Viagra is covered under the Senator’s insurance plan that WE provide him.  Perhaps we should hold up his insurance payments, anyone in??

March 6, 2010- 6:30-8:30PM

Club will open to the public at 8:30PM

The Crocker Club *453 South Spring Street * Los Angeles, CA 90013-2075 * (213) 239-9099

“A classic LA bank vault-turned restaurant and bar.”

Parking is available across the street by the Rowan Lofts * You can park behind the Eastern Columbia and walk with us!

We are suggesting a donation of $25 or better pp.  In doing so – Chateau Ste Michelle has agreed to match your donation with a glass of wine (or two while supplies last!) .  Appetizers will be served.  Your donation will go 100% to creating new classrooms, fresh linens, and supports 100 kids for an entire year.

Dress code is strictly enforced so be prepared to leave the sneakers, flip flops and T-shirts at home

We are all looking forward to seeing you all – please bring friends. It’s a great cause!

We would like to thank Chatuau Ste Michelle for their generous wine donation. The Crocker Club for the use of their amazing location and The Next Family for helping us promote it.

By: Tony Tripoli

The Celebs have really been going for gold medals in Crazy lately, right?

Tons of gossip blogs are reporting that Avril Levine and Brody Jenner are having secret hook-ups around Hollywood.

I think they’re a great match. He is too dumb to realize she spells Sk8ter Boi wrong.

Details put Robert Pattinson in its 10^th anniversary cover, surrounding him with nude models.

But, he’s not impressed, and, in the article actually says:  “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vaginas.”

I know how you feel, RPatz, I suffer from Seasonal Vaginal Allergies as well…..all year ‘round.

After listening to him talk endlessly about his sexual exploits to any publication that will let him, adult video company Vivid Entertainment has invited John Mayer to direct a movie for them.

Let me suggest a title: “Your body is a wonderland….that can accommodate a large number of other wonderlands.”

Then , maybe a sequel:  “Your body is a Wonderland….with no sensation left in it.”

Okay, enough about them. Let’s talk about me.

A week ago, I caved in to all the endless pressure placed upon me by dozens of friends and co-workers, and finally set up a Facebook page. I resisted as long as I could, motivated by the idea that if I’m not still in touch with you, there is a reason, and it’s your fault. Also, I had the worst break-up of my life last year, and he was really into updating his Facebook status, so, I knew if I ever signed up, I’d start getting chirpy messages from him about how great his life is without me in it. Or, I’d be up all night, in a bathrobe, quietly staring at his page, trying to break the hidden code in his comment replies to his male friends. They’re totally sleeping together; that’s obviously what he meant by “almost done with my taxes…hurray.”

As you can tell, I’m SO over him.

Cut to me, realizing I have 3 shows coming up in March, and I gotta promote. Facebook is effective and free, so, I have to suck it up, and make a page.

Not 10 minutes after opening my account, I have a friend request.

FROM HIM.

Now, I was not prepared for this kind of intimacy with him again, and so soon.

In a panic, I hit ‘Ignore”, and then, as anyone in my position would do, completely unraveled.

After 2 days of listening to me alternately whine and worry – He’d done this twice before, where he texts or emails, then disappears again as soon as I express interest, so I know I need to just cut off all contact- my best friend cracked, and wrote him an email. He told my ex to either step up, and be the man I deserved, or to leave me alone, and let my try to heal. (Nice how he said “Try”, as if it may never actually happen.)

Then, within 5 minutes, my ex replies: “I didn’t send Tony any friend request, and can’t imagine doing so any time soon.” Ouch.

Apparently, my ex had ‘invited me to join’ Facebook when we first met, and their system saves the info, so if you ever do join, those that ‘invited’ you automatically have a friend request for you.

I didn’t know that.

That’s very embarrassing.

So, I am now on Facebook (Friend me if you dare!), and going slowly. Reconnecting with a lot of lovely people from my past. No contact from the ex, which is for the best, I know.

Oh, and I have a best friend who loves me enough to write an angry email defending me, even when I turn out to be wrong.

THAT just may be ‘The Greatest love of All.”

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You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.

Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)

OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.

Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.

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By: Tom Butts

It’s interesting, the other day I was watching an expose on Olympic athletes.  They do the typical biography, “from a small town in Nebraska…”  As they bring the athlete to their current status and sport we see their family and children and their home life, that is, unless they’re gay.

“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” is a relic from the 90’s which we are hoping to do away with in the coming year.  I believe the attitude still exists in coverage of the Olympics, even in Vancouver, Canada (a country where gay marriage has been legal for years).  For some reason, social causes like gay rights are not as readily taken up by the Olympic movement. It’s too thorny.

There are no publicly gay athletes at the Winter Olympics that we know of (Johnny Weir is another subject).  I have heard rumors that a dozen gay Olympians will come out in Vancouver. Don’t hold your breath — there’s a better chance that Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck will win pairs skating.

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[photo credit: Flickr- US Consulate General Vancouver]

The Next Family’s Adoptive Parents blogger Jillian Lauren has a book coming out on April 27th. Here is the trailer for “Some Girls: My Life In a Harem”

Jillian Lauren

By: Tom Butts

It’s unfortunate, but airlines aren’t the only thing affected by a big snow storm.  The so called “Snow Storm of the Century” could also delay Congress weighing in on DC’s decision to make gay marriage legal.  How do these two topics even relate you ask??

Well, by law Congress has 30 legislative days to review all laws signed by the DC Mayor (Adrian Fenty – in case you’re thinking it’s still “cracked-out” Mayor Marion Berry).  If the Capitol shuts down, so does the clock that counts down the 30 days.

What this means is that gay marriage may not become law until mid-March.  Fortunately, even with all the talk about the devastating defeat the Democrats had in the Senate in Massachusetts, we still have 59 votes and a much larger margin in the House.  Gay marriage hasn’t been legal or recognized in the 233 years we’ve been a country, so what’s another week or two…right?!

By: Tony Tripoli

So much has been happening:

Donatella Versace went sunbathing,

and I haven’t slept the whole night through since. And, don’t tell my trainer, but I can’t seem to stop craving beef jerky…

The Miss America Pageant, and no one seemed to care except me and Mario Lopez.

What is his skin made of, exactly? It’s like peachy velvet. Yes, he probably banged all 53 contestants, but, I call that patriotism, people.

And, look at his body. I gotta get offa this beef jerky train, or I’m for sure gonna die alone.

The Grammy’s proved, once again, that Pink can literally hang from the ceiling dripping wet,

and all anyone is gonna talk about the next day is that damn Taylor Swift.

That can’t make a girl feel too good.

And, speaking of feelings, since I didn’t have the special glasses, that lame 3D Michael Jackson tribute showed me what it feels like to see the world the way Paula Abdul does.

Thanks, Grammy’s.

But the big news is: I WAS ON TV, TOO.

Yep, and I can prove it.

It’s TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time countdown, and it’s still running, so set your DVR. (Really, even if you are reading this in 2032, trust me, it’s re-running. These things are like Carrot Top: they never go away, and when you do take another look, it’s even worse than you remembered.)

But, I’m honored to be a part of it.

Here’s the scoop:

Someone at TV Guide saw my one-man show, entitled “TONY TRIPOLI : I SHIT MY PANTS” last December, (not joking, that’s what I called it) and asked if I’d like to do this countdown special. I said yes, because, I like being on TV, and I have tons of opinions. In fact, one of the things that is great about me is, I don’t need any actual information to form an opinion; I’ll just make one up. It’s a real time-saver!

Anyway, they set up the time, and sent me the list of the 25 sexy couples, so I could prepare. I’ve seen a million of these types of shows, and even been on a bunch, so I know that they want sarcastic, edgy jokes. But, perhaps, in hindsight, I should have ASKED someone if that’s what they wanted for this particular countdown.

They didn’t.

So, when you watch, you’ll notice that everything I say ends in an upward inflection, as if I’m continuing to speak, but get cut off. Yeah, it sounds that way because that’s exactly what’s happening. I set up my joke, and right as I get rude, or as I like to call it to “the good part”, they cut away to someone nicer.

Example: when talking about Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, I say that the famous line “You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow”, would never be in a movie today. And, if it was, it would be changed to “Just put your lips together and blow….ME.”

OR:

About Brad and Angelina, I say “Sure, they met on Mr. and Mrs. Smith, when he was married to Jenn Aniston, but let’s remember what’s important here: In their years together, they have purchased the most adorable family.”

AND:

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are legendary. They were both so caramel-colored, and gorgeous, and now, they are like Hollywood’s most gorgeous lesbian couple.

Ellen, Portia: this is your future.

I just don’t understand why they cut it.

You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.

Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)

OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.

Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.

Artcile from The New York Times

For over a decade, the issue of same-sex marriage has been a flashpoint political issue in the United States, setting off waves of competing legislation and ballot initiatives attempting either to legalize or ban the practice. Rifts have also opened among religious groups over the decision to recognize same-sex marriage or condemn it.

Proponents of same-sex marriage say that the institution is a unique expression of love and commitment and that calling the unions of same-sex couples anything else is a form of second-class citizenship; they also point out that many legal rights are tied to marriage. Those opposed to same-sex marriage agree that marriage is a fundamental bond with ancient roots. But they draw the opposite conclusion, saying that allowing same-sex couples to marry would undermine the institution of marriage itself.

Gay rights supporters felt the tide was turning in their favor for much of 2009. With President Barack Obama they felt they had an ally in the White House, and the movement was making remarkable progress in state legislatures, with lawmakers in Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire approving bills allowing gay marriage in 2009.

More on this article go to New York Times