Dear IF YOU ASK ME-
I am writing to you for some advice on a pretty complicated situation I find myself willingly being drawn into. I am English, a gay man, and 55 years of age living in England at present. I have a friend aged 49 in Texas who has recently realized that he is gay, despite having been married and the father of an 11 year old adopted son. My friend’s ex wife, who has very strong negative views regarding gays, is still on the scene and has tried poisoning the boy’s mind about his dad. Luckily the relationship between father and son is still very strong, but the mother is mentally unstable and still has access and influence over the boy. We very much hope to be able to live together in the US as soon as we are able to and the boy is ready. We need some advice on how to prepare my friend’s son on the sexuality of both of his dads and the distinct possibility of another male entering the family home to “replace” his mother with whom he has a not very good relationship. I thought, as a first step, there might be a film suitable for my friend to watch with his son to start the process of familiarization with the changing circumstances, and to show the boy that there are more types of valid relationships than the stereotypical “family”. We both understand that this may well take some time, but the useful thing is that the boy does understand and accepts that some people are gay and live together as couples, but the idea of gay couples having children, and it happening to him, will need a huge measure of acceptance on his part. Any advice you may be able to offer us would be gratefully accepted, and I would stress that the welfare, security and happiness of my friend’s son is the most important aspect of our planning.

Yours Sincerely,

Chas J Pearce

Dear Chas-
Thank you for your well thought-out question; it is a very delicate situation indeed. I appreciate and respect the fact that you are taking the time to do research in order to make the boy’s transition as easy as possible. This alone tells me that you will be a wonderful role model for your “friend’s” son.

Although there aren’t many movies available for the topic you requested, there are some great resources. One is a very mainstream, popular TV show called Modern Family on ABC here in the United States. This show features a family with 2 dads and a baby and is light-hearted and funny. If the boy hasn’t already heard of this sitcom, it might be a nice way to “normalize” his new situation a bit.

As for movies, it’s been tough for me to find the perfect film that I would recommend, given the particular situation you are in. It might be fun to do a movie night and rent Birdcage, a comedy with Robin Williams in which he plays a gay man with a daughter (played by Calista Flockheart). I’m going with fairly mainstream recommendations rather than Indie films for two reasons: one, it has been difficult for me to find the right independent film that doesn’t display the “issues” that can go into same sex parenting, and two, I think it’s important given the boy’s age, that you go with a more mainstream approach. This might help to validate things in his mind.

I also think it’s important for you to do some research as well. There are some great films on same sex parenting that I would urge you to check out for your own sake. Jack is a film about a teenage boy whose father comes out as a gay man. You might want to watch this first and see if it would be a fit for the boy. “Jack” can be purchased on Amazon.com.

There is also another resource for teenagers with gay parents that you may later want to explore. There is an organization called Colage, which is a support and advocacy organization for daughters and sons of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parents. This would be a tremendous opportunity for the boy to meet other kids that have gone through similar emotions on the topic. I have been to a panel in which I’ve heard these children speak firsthand and they are incredibly articulate and have many great things to explain to parents that are LGBT. Colage also has a few films that you could check out; one of them is “In My Shoes”, which I found particularly interesting. It’s a documentary film by and about youth with LGBT parents.

My last bit of advice is to let the boy find his own feelings about the matter. Try to listen and be there for him when he needs to talk, but don’t push him into feeling a certain way about his new life. It’s tough at that age, and with his mother giving negative feedback, he needs to figure out his own opinion on the matter. I think you are absolutely on the right path by wanting to educate him through mediums that he most relates to- film and television.

Below are links and information to the above-mentioned resources, as well as a few more:

Modern Family
Birdcage
Jack
Colage
In My Shoes

Books
Families like mine: Children of gay parents tell it like it is
Out of the ordinary: Essays on growing up with gay, lesbian bisexual, and transgender parents

More Movies:
Daddy and Papa
It’s Elementary: Talking about gay issues in school

Best of Luck!

I.Y.A.M

Dear I.Y.A.M.

My partner Barry and I are having a boy. We are now at 29 weeks and getting more excited. We had an ultrasound last Monday and everything looks good.

Our surrogate is doing great. I keep reading articles about things to make her pregnancy more comfortable. Is there anything we could get her as a gift that you think would be helpful? I figure you know more about such things.

Thanks for any tips.

Mike

Dear Mike,
What a sweetheart you are and how exciting. Your surrogate is lucky to have such caring Daddies to be.
I am going to recommend a pregnancy massage. Most places are familiar with the specifics of this. Some even have a special table with a hole for the belly so she can lay face down. Just remember she can’t get in the hot tub (well, maybe just her feet).
Some women like a body pillow that you straddle in bed (don’t let your mind wander there) for low back and hip support. I like the Snoogle body pillow, the Boomerest, or the Snoozer. You can find the Snoozer on The Next Family resources page.
A gift certificate for a maternity store (Pea in the Pod, Target or Gap) is always good so she can buy some comfy jeans with the stretchy waist, the kind we all wish we had after a Thanksgiving Dinner.
Now you two get some rest –you will need it!

Dear “if you ask me”
I was at the playground the other day, sitting among the other mommies and nannies. I noticed the woman next to me like myself, was white – but the boy she was minding happened to be black. I was very curious as to whether this was her son or if she was his nanny, but I thought asking her would be considered rude and not politically correct. I was wondering if there was a polite way of having this conversation with someone, without stepping on any toes or appearing ignorant.
Thanks,
PC Polly

Dear Polly,
Easy. Just ask! I think this is a perfectly natural question that any reasonable person would have, and I imagine the nanny/mommy has been asked before. Maybe the little boy was indeed hers – perhaps she is married to a black man, and the boy is actually bi-racial. Or perhaps he was adopted. Or even if she was the nanny, I can see no harm in simply asking “is this your son?”
I get your desire to be respectful, but grow some Ta Ta’s PC Polly. Ignorance is fueled by fear, and the more willing we are to explore our curiosities, the more enlightened we become.
In this specific situation, I think the only way you could have been disrespectful would have been if you made the assumption that she was the nanny. It’s always better to err on the side of a well-educated and savvy park-benchwarmer than assuming that everyone at the playground who doesn’t look like their kid is the nanny.
A good friend of mine who is herself the mom of a bi-racial child has a response ready for when she is asked how she could “possibly be Annie’s mom when they look nothing alike”; she simply says with a smile “Annie is the perfect combination of the best traits of her dad, and the best traits of myself”. Just like your kid.

Thanks!
I.Y.A.M

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