By: Amy Forstadt

I’ve noticed there’s been a lot of TV talk around here lately, so I thought I’d weigh in with a handy-dandy guide to popular kids’ tv shows. And when I say “popular,” I mean “ones we watch at our house.”  Enjoy!

Arthur Arthur is the most emotionally evolved aardvark there ever was. I find his company extremely soothing. He’s deliberate, thoughtful, and more mature than most people I know. Arthur may not be the life of the party (leave that to D.W.) but he’s the one who’ll make sure you get home okay and hold your hair while you puke.

Blues Clues Like my seventh grade boyfriend, Blues Clues started out really irritating but eventually won me over through sheer persistence. Sure, no grown man should have Steve’s haircut, Blue makes weird guttural sounds like a choking dolphin, and the salt and pepper shakers have some sort of illicit relationship. But still, it’s kinda cute.

Bob the Builder The anthropomorphic construction vehicles kind of give me the creeps, but aside from that Bob the Builder is just fine with me. I enjoy watching him ride the tension/anger/guilt rollercoaster when his father comes to visit. And as for his obvious attempts to woo Wendy, well, let’s just say her cement mixer might spin the other way, if you know what I mean.

Calliou Oh how I hate that little mofo. This goddamn show is so fucking wholesome it makes me want to yell obscenities at the tv as loud as I possibly can. Also, have you ever seen the one where they go to the beach? No-one in the family has nipples! Goddamn wholesome no-nippled Canadians. I won’t expose my son to that kind of element.

Curious George I am mesmerized by Curious George. But it’s not because of the antics of everyone’s favorite monkey. No, it’s the apartment. That fabulous, fabulous apartment. What does the Man in the Yellow Hat do that he can afford such an incredible place? Those arched windows! The doorman! The rooms and rooms and rooms! It’s probably a rent-controlled, pre-war building on the Upper East Side. Some monkeys get all the luck.

Dora the Explorer This one I don’t get at all. Crappy animation. Some sort of video game theme with no context whatsoever. A random band of little creatures that shows up and plays music for no reason.  But someone, somewhere must have read that this is the toddler power trifecta, because my kid is hooked.

Elmo How do I love Elmo? Let me count the ways. First of all, the shows are entertaining and adorable. Second, all the characters have New York accents. Do you know how funny it is to hear a muppet refer to itself as a “mon-stah?” And third, most of Elmo’s cohorts seem Jewish, gay, or both.  It’s awesome. There’s even an episode with a big, fruity tiger who just can’t contain himself during the final song and yells out “And remember! Stripes go with everything!”  I dare you not to love it.

The Wiggles Bunch o’ freaks. You’re on your own for this one. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Happy watching everybody! Or happy reading books or playing educational games or mandarin-flashcarding or whatever it is you non-tv families do.  If you need me, I’ll be singing along with Elmo.

Amy also have a podcast The Because Show

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By: Amy Forstadt

There comes a time when maternity leave ends, the bank account is drained, and it’s time for mom to go back to work. For some women, this is a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking experience that involves tearing themselves away from their babies every morning, crying at their desks, and feeling like something is seriously wrong with the world. For others (me) it’s more like, “Hey, check it out. I’m wearing mascara, I’m going out to lunch, and I keep getting paid! Awesome!”  I love my son but I also like to work. I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom and since we can’t live on my husband’s salary alone, it wasn’t even an option.

After a few years of freelancing, I got a full-time gig and felt like I’d won the lottery. It was close to my house, close to Benjie’s preschool, paid well, was easy enough, and had cushy hours. Life was good.

But then it all changed. I got involved. I got ambitious. All of a sudden, I’m invested. I hear myself at meetings making suggestions and having ideas, and I know I’ve just volunteered for lots more work. The little voice inside my head is saying, “What are you doing? Stop it! Take the paycheck and run!” even as I’m scheduling more meetings and juggling more deadlines. Suddenly my life is crazy and stressful and I don’t know how I’m going to get it all accomplished. I see women all around me rushing from one place to another, carrying a baby on a hip while taking a conference call with her free hand. I can’t help but wonder, “How do those women do it all? And when did I become one of them?”

The whole work/life balance thing has been a problem for working mothers since the first cavewoman grabbed her cave briefcase and left her cave babies in cave daycare so she could go out and kill something for dinner.  It’s not only about balancing your work, your family, your friends, and your occasional need for a mani/pedi. It’s about balancing your ambition with your maternal instinct. It’s about what you WANT to do vs. what you NEED to do, and those things don’t even stay the same day-to-day.  I want to do well in my job. I want to be a good mother and wife. I want to bring home the T-Rex and fry it up in the pan. It’s not a new struggle but, for the first time, it’s mine. There’s nothing to do but what countless cavewomen have done before me: square my shoulders, grab my club, and get it done.

Amy also have a podcast The Because Show

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By: Amy Forstadt

I don’t know what mornings are like at your house, but at mine they can be a little chaotic. I’m usually grabbing my son Benjie and running out the door, late for work pretty much every day. I couldn’t figure out why until I realized there was some sort of family dynamic going on; one that was like a bizarro version of a wholesome tv show. So why not take a moment, gather the family around the hearth, and enjoy this week’s episode, where my kid learns an important lesson about sexual harassment: how to do it properly.

Cast of Characters:
Me: Your humble blogger. And totally innocent victim. I swear!
John: My husband. Equal parts metrosexual and smartass.
Benjie: My 2.5 year-old son. An adorable and precocious little sponge for information.

It’s 8:25 a.m. I’m dressed and ready to go to work. John is lying in bed (still, lucky him) and Benjie is climbing up on the bed, jumping on the bed, climbing down off the bed, climbing back up, jumping, you get the idea.

Me: (to John) Okay, I’m off. Do these pants look okay?
John: Sure. You look great…for 1996.
Me: What? These pants are new!
John: I didn’t know they still had a Le Chateau in the mall.
Me: Ugh!
(I tear off my pants, frantically dig in closet for something else while clad only in my shirt, underwear, and shoes.)
John: (to Benjie): Look at Mommy, she’s a noonie!**
Benjie: Mommy’s a noonie!
John: Look at her noonie ass!
Me: John!
Benjie: Noonie ass! Noonie ass!
Me: It’s noonie tushie, Benjie.
Benjie: Noonie ASS!
Me: John!
John: Okay, it’s tushie.
Benjie: Ass! Ass! Ass!
Me (buttoning a pair of jeans): How’s this?
John: Much better! Now about that necklace…
Me: OMG! (flipping him the bird)
John: The finger, huh? Very ‘70s gesture, there.
(I proceed to flip him both fingers. John cracks up, proud of his own hilarity and, have I mentioned, he’s still in bed? Benjie tries to get his tiny middle finger to stick up, but to my profound relief, his fine motor skills are not quite that advanced.)
Me: Argh! I’m so late! Goodbye!
John: Bye sweetie, have a good day!
Benjie (muffled, due to the fact I’m carrying him under one arm and his face is buried in my stomach): Noomphie assh!

-FIN-

I’m hoping this scene makes you feel a little better about your mornings. Or at least didn’t make you feel worse. For me, I’m just hoping that Benjie’s not the the tiny delinquent who other parents fear when they picture their kids learning about “it” on “the street.” Then again, maybe if Benjie’s the one charging the other kids on the playground for that oh-so-scandalous information, I can rob, I mean take my consultant fee from, his piggy bank and finally buy some pants that were made in this decade. So it’s a win-win for everyone involved!

This family values moment brought to you by the Forfers. Until next time, keep your pants on.

*Very silly combination of my own and my husband’s last names.

**Benjie’s word for “nudie.”

Amy also has a podcast- The Because Show