Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

The creator of Jersey Shore slipped to the Hollywood Reporter that she puts the whole cast on Valtrex, a popular herpes medication, going so far as to call the cast “A Herpes Nest”.

But, the kids are growing up. Pretty soon, it will be time to spread their legs and fly…

Prada is about to release these canvas “Budget Bags”, which will sell for ONLY $295 each.

They will look especially chic at the unemployment office, the food stamp office, or the free clinic.

Danielle Staub, of the New Jersey Housewives and “Prostitution Whore!” fame, is about to get famous-er. A 75-minute sex tape, allegedly made last September, is going on sale next week.

And, apparently, this came as a shock to Danielle…I mean, look at her eyebrows. They actually stayed that way…

The Bachelor Pad, the newest show from the Bachelor franchise, is currently taping, and will air later this year.
It reunites the show’s most unforgettable contestants, most of whom I’ve long since forgotten about, and lets them compete in “challenges”.

You know, like getting famous again.

Holly Madison, whose new show, Holly’s World, premiered this week, is writing a book about Las Vegas, and its lesser known roadside attractions.

Basically, places that aren’t casinos where you can get wasted and fuck.

Here’s J-Wow, from Jersey Shore.

And, her cantaloupes.

She’s wearing a dress (ish) from her new collection, FILTHY COUTURE, which she promises will be available to everyone with cash soon.

Which makes sense, cause she looks like she’s available to anyone with cash now.

By the way, if you don’t want me to call ‘em cantaloupes, don’t make ‘em orange.

In spite of being quoted as saying “I don’t believe in doing something you don’t believe in to make money… like a makeup campaign or something like that,” actress and smarty-pants Natalie Portman has signed on to be the new face of Parfums Christian Dior.

At least college girl is smart enough to know how to properly spell “hypocrite”…

This outfit makes Rihanna look so tiny…. Oh, it’s Willow Smith, Jaden Smith’s sister, at his Karate Kid premiere?

Dang. Something tells me that when this kid tells you to get her a Bouncin’ Berry Capri Sun, you better not come back with a Hawaiian Punch, or you’ll get a miniature boot in your ass. That she just used
to squash out her Newport.

Tony Tripoli
tonytripoli.com

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Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

tony

You know how celebs are always saying they were in bed asleep when the Oscar nominations came out, and the phone woke them up, when in reality, you know they were perched on the edge of the bed with a Meryl Streep voodoo doll and a pint of Ben and Jerrys, hoping to hear their names called?

Well, that’s ME when they announce a new batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants.

dancing-with-the-stars

Sadly, again this year, I was not on the list. But, at least Niecy Nash was. And, she’s practically a gay guy.

Boo-ya!

niecy

Also making the cut was the most recent himbo Bachelor, who is just doing it to stay away from Vienna, as well as Kate Gosselin, who is for sure doing it to stay away from those kids of hers. Seriously, she saw them at Christmas, and she gooooood.

1254751801_kate-gosselin-290

Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon, but even then was REALLY slow, so….you do the math.

Buzz

Shannen Doherty has a shot, as long as she only looks out of her good eye,

Shannen Doherty

and Pamela Anderson will at least be entertaining. Watching her try the Vienese Waltz in those Lucite stripper shoes of hers will be must – see TV.

pamela-anderson

But, my prediction for the champ: soap hunk Aiden Turner,

aidan-turner

who is paired with the always sexy Edita Sliwinska. These two are so hot, I’m not sure which one I wanna make out with first!

Edyta

Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson was on the View this week,

RobertPattinson

and, was asked if he would ever date an older woman. His answer: “I think Betty White is probably one of the sexiest women in America. She’s vibrant; it’s sexy. I think the more age the better.”

During the commercial break, things took an awkward turn when Barbra Walters asked if he’d be interested in “banging the LifeAlert bracelet right offa me”.

TV Walters Affair

US Magazine claims that Real Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciack is about to come out of the closet. And, not in some tacky outfit, as per usual, but with a lesbian lover!

They say she has been dating DJ Tracy Young for the past 3 months.

kim-zolciak-dj-tracy-young

I’m not saying she’s a narcissist, but doesn’t her girlfriend look exactly like her, without the wig and drag makeup?

Oh, and, she’s totally a narcissist.

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Sources claim that Tiger Woods has received phone calls from both President Obama, and former President Bill Clinton.

Obama chastised him for “Making us all look bad” and Clinton said “You go, brother!!! Haha. Damn, I’m just green with envy, brohiem. We gotta grab us a couple beers and chase some tail once this blows over….”

tiger-woods

The singing and dancing cast of the hit show GLEE has announced a muli-city tour this May.

Expect arenas full of former class nerds that don’t think they are still nerds, but, are.

Glee+Cast+Glee

Jessica Simpson has been tweeting her love advice. Ok,…. thanks?

Her nuggets of wisdom include: “You can’t love someone else to change them. Happiness comes from accepting who they are.”

I guess she learned that after not accepting who Nick Lachey, Tony Romo, and John Mayer are.

jessica-simpson-picture-6

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You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.
Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)
OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.
Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.

[photo credit Buzz: Flickr member Mharrsh]

[photo credit Edyta: Flickr member burningkarma]

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