Abilene Bound

By Trey Darnell

Matthew and I matched with a wonderful expecting couple more than a month ago.  The time had come for us to travel west and meet them.  This past Thursday we said goodbye to our cats and flew to Texas.  Our flight arrived in Dallas, and we rented a car to complete a three-hour drive to Abilene, Texas.  I am sure most of you are aware of our love of In-N-Out Burger.  Driving through Dallas-Forth Worth, we spotted several locations, but we did not stop.  We were on a tight schedule and needed to be in Abilene for our match meeting early that afternoon.

To be truly honest, Matthew and I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this meeting.  It seemed to escalate while driving to Abilene.  A counselor from our agency, Independent Adoption Center, would facilitate the meeting.  This would be the first time that we would meet the expecting mother and father.  We were overly excited and nervous to meet both of them.  The moments leading up to the meeting felt like a first date.  We had built a foundation of communication over the past several weeks and now it was time to meet each other.

Matt and Trey visit the Abilene Public Library for their match meeting.

Our counselor had reserved the children’s activity room at the Abilene Public Library Mockingbird Branch for everyone to get together and participate in the match meeting.  There was not much about this exceptionally large room that indicated children or activity.  It was full of six-foot tables and chairs.  It did not have that small quaint feeling that we hoped for.  We picked a table in the middle of the room and allowed our anticipation and nerves to build even more.  We heard a library representative say, “The activity room is located in the back”.  We stopped breathing.

Matthew quickly stated what I think we all were feeling.  “I know we are all extremely nervous”.  The ice had been broken.  Questions were posed to both couples and with each one it seemed to get more and more comfortable.  Thirty minutes quickly turned into an hour and a half.  During this time, we learned about the expecting mother and father as individuals and as a couple.  Looking back on the match meeting, all the anxiety left as we said goodbye to the counselor and began our weekend in Abilene.  I am thankful for the anxieties as it allowed us to be aware of this truly memorable moment and prepare us for the spectacular time we would have the rest of the weekend

Over the next few days, we were welcomed into this energetic, funny and loving family.  We were able to spend time with parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins.  Each and every one of them made an extra effort to spend time with us and show their support for us as a couple and potential adoptive parents of their future daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, niece and cousin.  We told stories and listened to stories.  Needless to say, some were embarrassing.  We learned about them, and they learned about us.  We laughed a lot.  Family members commuted from hours away, and everyone made sure they had ample time away from work to meet and support the mother and father and Matthew and I.  We felt so welcome and loved by this family, and we are extremely excited to merge them with ours.

T-Rex chasing a roadrunner on Matt and Trey’s visit to Abilene, Texas.

The final night was marked by an epic family barbeque Texas style.  Many hours went into the preparation of the BBQ.  Cloth napkins, table decorations, a T-Rex and a roadrunner.  The menu was overloaded with superb food.  The menu included brisket, baby back ribs, sausage, green peppers stuffed with cream cheese wrapped in bacon and then grilled to perfection.  This evening was certainly a celebration, a family celebration that we were a part of.  There was not a better way to end our visit to Abilene than enjoying each other’s company after a terrific Texas BBQ.

Matt and Trey experience a Texas family BBQ in Abilene, Texas.

I have to say it was a little emotional to say goodbye to everyone that night.  Over the previous three days, we felt as if we were a part of their family.  We know that this goodbye is only for a short period of time because in just 16 weeks baby T-Rex makes her arrival.  We are extremely excited for what the future holds for our entire family, which has now grown much larger.  We have already started talking about future family vacations.

Oh, we did stop at In-N-Out on our way back to Dallas before flying home to Tennessee.

Matt & Trey at their favorite!

Matt and Trey visit In-N-Out in Dallas.

You can follow our adoption journey via mattandtreyadopt.com and @MattTreyAdopt

A Loose Tooth

by Tanya Ward Goodman

My Grandmother’s death has brought the family together, but my daughter’s loose tooth has given us something cheerful to do. We are united by Sadie’s tooth. When she wiggles that darned thing, we stop thinking for a moment about how hard it will be to sell the house and what a waste it would be to send that antique cameo necklace into a hole in the ground. No matter how we feel about the President, gun control or healthcare, the loose tooth brings us all together. We plot and plan for extraction when wills and accounts and phone conversations with lawyers are the dark alternative.

Sweet Sadie with her big smile and her curly hair is an eight year old in a house full of sad adults. She feeds her virtual Ipod horse and talks to the very real cat. She curls up on the wingback sofa and flips through scrapbooks hoping to find photos of someone she knows. My uncle says we should reach up behind the tooth – get a nail under the raw edge. “Move it sideways,” he says. My brother makes a lasso of dental floss and spends the better part of an hour trying to slip it around the tiny tooth. Sadie chews gum and eats the hardened caramels we find in the kitchen cupboard. She wonders if she started running fast and fell down the big hill, the tooth would get knocked out on its own. When she is tired of grown up conversation, she cries and shouts that it’s not fair to have a loose tooth. It’s painful and keeps her from eating all the things she doesn’t like, though a child at a funeral can get by on only Jell-o salad and soft white rolls. She wiggles the tooth and lets others wiggle it. Fingers yellow with nicotine have touched the pearl of this little tooth. The funeral leaves us soggy with tears and chilled to the bone in the Dakota wind, but the tooth doesn’t come out.

The tooth is wiggly on the plane and in the taxi and keeps my girl awake all through our first night at home. She rages and gnashes and I think perhaps the tight set of her jaw will push the thing right out.

At dinner on our second night home, she asks for pliers. We have guests, but they seem not to mind, so I give her a Leatherman. We watch as she grabs and slips, grabs and slips. Someone suggests a paper towel. Once again this tooth is a project. We’re in it together and Sadie is happy to be right in the middle. There is wiggling and working. There is a ten-minute bout of frustration. Tears are shed. And just when we are all feeling like it should be over, just when we’ve begun to turn back to grown up talk, she pulls it out. Her smile is broad and bloody. The tooth is white and shiny in the black metal pincers.

And then, like that, we’re back on the girl.

Missing your parents

By Brandy Black

Gay Dad: How Boy Scout Bigotry Affected My Family

By: Rob Watson

I really don’t know why I can’t seem to see these things coming.  I blog about them.  I write about prejudices, I have argued with countless anti-gay people, and I have diligently parented to the best of my ability.  And yet, these situations emerge and  again, I am caught like the proverbial deer in the headlights, unsure which path to take, and positive that all choices lead to certain destruction.

The latest happened during a casual conversation with my ten year old son, Jesse.  We were talking about our day’s events when  suddenly he remembered something he had been meaning to ask me.  “Oh…DAD!” he blurted out interrupting me,  “I wanted to ask you.  If we don’t have camp this summer, can I join the Boy Scouts?”

The Boy Scouts?  Really?  Not Young Republicans?  (These days the latter might be a much better alternative, actually.)

My mouth went dry and I knew that if I tried to use it, the best that would come out would be a stammer. “Blah blah blah blah..”   Instead, Jesse continued, “They are really neat.  They do all these different things and help people.  You get these badges every time you accomplish something.  It is…SO COOL!”

Deep breath.

The Boy Scouts have not taken a lot of my head space, honestly.  We don’t know many in the area.  It did not appear to be a pressing issue.  I shared the outrage of many against their public policies and found their treatment of gay scouts and gay parents to be offensive.  I had even made some notes in January for a possible blog when they decided to delay their decision on the anti-gay policy until May.

“Well,” I started slowly.  “Let’s talk about that.  I do think all those things are great.  Really great.  The problem I am dealing with is having you in a group that would not allow me to be one of its leaders and participate with you.”

“Why wouldn’t they let you?” he asked baffled.

All the anti-gay rhetoric that I had read over the years from the Boy Scouts came washing through my brain like a tidal wave.  I could not repeat all that to him. I could not tell him that I had tried to research the standards they expected from leaders only to find that their website was more about marketing and economic values than moral ones, save endorsements from hate groups like Focus on the Family.   I also could not tell him aboutthe survey the boy scouts had recently sent out asking respondents to react to the idea of someone like me having access to their children as if I was a potential pervert.

“They don’t like men like me,” I said simply.  “They would not let me be involved.”

“WHY?” he said with a look of absolute shock.  It was obvious that it had never occurred to him that anyone could not like his Dad.

“Because I am gay,” I answered.

His bafflement did not wane.  “So what?”  He asked, clearly not having an iota of an inkling as to why that might be an issue.

“They don’t like gay people.” I responded.

“So they would not let the kids of gay dads in?”  he asked.

“No, I think they would be fine with you being there,” I said, not quite sure I was correct.   “It is me that they don’t like.”

He shook his head.  “That is just weird,” he concluded.  His attention deficient disorder (caused by his drug exposure in the womb) kicked in and he was suddenly off chasing down legos.  I was glad for the distraction.

As he ran off, I was left with a feeling of frustration, anger and shame.   I felt violated that the spirit of Boy Scout bigotry had descended on my home and that I was forced to explain to my son that I was not as universally loved as he supposed.  Instead, I had to expose him to the fact that like Washington state senator Kevin Ranker’s recent account of his family, ours too had to deal with some misperception in the world.  In his article, Kevin discussed the view of his own gay dad: ““When my father came out, many in our community refused to accept it. Each day I saw my classmates, my friends, my educators and even family members questioning my father. Quietly questioning his ability — and even his right — to be a parent. But mostly, people dealt with my father’s life … by ignoring it. This quiet shame, this silence, was worse for me than outspoken hatred.  My journey and my challenge was growing up knowing that society saw my father as unequal.”

This has been a state of affairs that my sons have been blissfully unaware.  Until now.

Later,  as I went down to tuck my sons in and kiss them goodnight, the residual Boy Scout taint still weighed on my mind.  Jesse, it turns out, had processed it much more efficiently than I had.

I leaned down to kiss him.  “Good night Pal.  Sweet dreams.  I am sorry about the Boy Scout thing.”

“That’s ok Dad.  It’s no big deal.   They are just jerks.”

Adoption: Preparing the Nursery

By – Trey Darnell

A very hot topic for individuals going through the adoption process is what to do about the nursery. Get the nursery ready? Wait until being matched? Wait until the baby is home? Will working on the nursery jinx adopting? What if it is a boy? What if it is a girl? Why are there so many questions?

There are many people that have told us not to worry about the nursery until after the baby comes. A common theme is family would have everything ready when you return home with the new baby. No offense to our family, but Matthew and I looked at each other and quickly determined that we wanted to work on the nursery during our wait and make it exactly what we wanted. Being able to walk into what has transformed from an empty room into what will one day be filled with rocking, changing diapers, feeding, laughter, crying and a little spit up, we could not be any happier. Would you like to see the result?

Matt and Trey prepare the nursery while on their adoption journey.

Colors – Choosing a neutral color usually means picking a shade of green, tan or yellow. In my opinion, there is nothing exciting about any of those. Matthew and I are fond of the color gray, and when all else fails, it is the color of choice. Valspar’s Colonial Woodlawn Gray has the record of our go to color. Our two favorite colors are gray and white. So it would be easy to guess that the nursery furniture color would be white.

Matt and Trey prepare the nursery while on their adoption journey.

Glider – The glider is by far my favorite piece of furniture in the room. From the very first moment we talked about growing our family, we would visit Pottery Barn Kids and relax in the various rockers and gliders. In the process of constructing the nursery, we have easily tested over 50 different rocker/glider combinations. Nothing ever seemed perfect. On a recent trip to Las Vegas, the first stop was not to In-N-Out Burger (surprising I know) but rather to Pottery Barn Kids. We vetted all of the options available and shared our adoption story to the staff and everyone helped in making the choice. What an excellent decision it was? Looking back, we should have gotten two.

Crib – The crib was also a result of the visit to Pottery Barn Kids. We had looked at various different baby and furniture stores locally. Everything was exceptionally specific to gender or a certain traditional style. Pottery Barn Kids had that special crib that matched the color, look and style that we had pictured.

Bookcases & Dresser – The bookcases are a neat feature of the room and hold a little personal sentiment. They are identical bookcases from Ikea with a twist. Instead of using the particleboard backing, we repurposed twenty year-old lumber that belonged to my parents. This completely changed the look of the bookcases. With the addition of a little lighting it helped finish the room, once bolted to the wall.

Matt lays out wall decor for the nursery.

Accents – The accents in the room are neutral and have a variety of different textures. The side table next to the glider is a repurposed telephone pole. We have children’s books that Matthew and I both read in our childhood. We also added books that help show the positive message of adoption and having same-sex parents. Birds have become a popular theme in the room. Maybe it has to do with my love of flight. There are two accent pieces that will have a new color once we know the sex of the baby. A baby boy would produce the color blue, and if a little girl we would repaint purple.

Two nursery accent pieces that will receive a new color when we find out if it is a boy or girl.

The nursery has become my favorite room in the house. I used to think of the nursery from Father of the Bride II. It was beautiful, soft and warm. I could be biased, but our nursery has all of those feelings and then some. There are days that the door to the nursery is open, and we sit and enjoy what will be. There are days the door remains closed. As I mentioned in the last blog, we are expecting a little one in late summer. This is an exciting time for us and allows us to add the pops of color to match the gender of baby T-Rex.

It’s a girl!

To see other photos showing the creation of the nursery visit our Pinterest at pinterest.com/mattandtrey

Not a Penguin

by Tanya Ward Goodman

Way back in college, when I was a theatre major, one of my class assignments was to become an animal. I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and observed the penguins. Imagining that my feet attached directly to my hips, I cultivated the “penguin walk.” I stood contemplatively with one wing held out from my side. I blinked and turned my head. At my professor’s behest, I aspired to “be penguin.”

Now, I should say that, in college, I was a nervous person. I took small, fast steps and was prone to daydreaming. It is very possible that you might have caught me, standing with one arm held out from my side, blinking in the sun with only my thoughts to keep me company. It is very possible that I was slightly penguin-like to begin with. Perhaps we all have a little penguin inside us, but we also have a little lion or crocodile or condor.

My acting professor applauded my penguin and I was happy. For our next assignment, I was to be Blanche Du Bois from “Streetcar Named Desire.” I filled my mind with the fluttering of moth wings and silk handkerchiefs, I looked into the mirror and made my eyes into deep pools of sadness and lost hope. I wore a filmy, pink dress and carried a box of letters from my ex-boyfriend hoping that the residual regret on the page might rise up like a fine dust around my body on the stage.

“You’re still a penguin,” my professor said. “Isn’t she a penguin?”

When we transformed ourselves into characters based on inanimate objects, my “tube of oil paint” was also dubbed “penguin.” “Guest at a wedding,” was “the penguin near the punch bowl.” It seemed that when she looked at me, my professor wore black and white goggles. And, after a time, when I looked at myself, so did I. It was hard to slow my quick pace, my words came in quick bursts or not at all and on stage I retreated deeper and deeper into a kind of blinking trance.

At the end of the year, I transferred out of her class and changed my major. I had found that I enjoyed writing just as much as acting and, in my writing classes, no one ever accused me of penguin prose.

I think of all this now, because I am the parent of two growing children. My son is athletic and strong. His legs are meaty with muscle and he rarely speaks when he can shout. Other parents comment on his outsized energy and his sturdy body. He’s been compared to a bull in a china shop, the Tasmanian Devil and a force of nature. “Fearless,” these parents say. And sometimes “brute.”

My boy named our dog, “Grace.” He is afraid to go upstairs in the dark and is sometimes so filled with his own nervous energy that he chews a hole in his shirt. As much as he pounds on his sister, he always compliments her outfit when she comes to the breakfast table. He can be so quiet and light on his feet that he can observe a lizard from an inch away. He is strong and fast and wild and kind and gentle and frightened. He is cheetah and kitten.

It is almost impossible to resist categorizing people. It helps to look out across a crowded school auditorium or classroom or workplace and see “chatty,” “angry,” “friendly,” “sturdy,” “reliable.” But these simple categories don’t do justice to the whole person. In the case of my theatre professor, I saw her as “crazy” and “harsh,” but she was in the middle of a divorce and so she was also sad and disappointed and heartbroken. Under different circumstances, she might have been warm and compassionate.

I want my children to understand that they can be angry, but that doesn’t make them an angry person. They can be strong in one area and weak in another. I want them to grow without limits and without definition into their best selves.

A Pat On The Back.

By: Danny Thomas

here I am…
sitting on the end of the bed
with a pile of laundry
literally
looming
over my computer.
Everything is looming right now;
spring,
the river,
the future,
the past,
relationships,
colleagues…
Jennifer and I
are occupying the land of loom…
it seems to happen with us a lot.

oh Christ…
are we those people…

with the drama,
and the constant crises?

Probably.
Sometimes…
we are.
Probably
sometimes
all of us are.

Oh well.

sorry.

This week,
the last six days,
have been intense.

How many parenting and family blogs have that line in them?
How self reflective can I be in one blog?

I started my new job full time.
I haven’t had a full time job in ten years…
The whole time Jen was in grad-school
we got by with me
being a home maker
and bringing in a little extra dough for
beer and wine and whatever recreation..
and
also
of course
student loans…
and food stamps.

I am not one of those people who claims to have put my spouse through
grad school…

I have very much been in
along-for-the-ride mode.

So…

that’s a big shift.
But that is only one aspect
of our intense week…

Also,
all three children
got a stomach flu.
And it lasted for the entire week in ‘Zilla’s poor little belly…
So strange.

Another reminder how they are all unique,
not just in how they look
and interact
with the world…

but even down to their chemistry
and how their guts work…

that the same flu
can sit with one kid for 4 days
and be through the system of the other two
over the course of 36 hours.

Bananas…

But that’s a blog for a different day.

So that’s two aspects…

and a third
it’s the last week of school for Jen
which means;
extra hours…
grading,
finals,
graduation,
showcases,
stuff like that…

phew

anyway…

my point is
We. Made. It

We made it through the week,
and here we are, enjoying the weekend.

We had a great,
wonderful,
special adventure yesterday
after ballet…
celebrating free comic book day.
And we watched a movie together…
And we are
a family
who loves each other,
and who eats well…
and together…
and who
gets sick together too
and props each other up
through
these big shifts in life…
who guide each other
through the looming future.

And sometimes it takes the crucible of hard times,
or the catalyst of big changes
to see that
or be reminded of it.

We are a team
and we do well together
more often than we fail
and that’s worth noting.
It’s worth celebrating.
As a matter of fact,
as often as possible.

I have talked about this blog
being a vessel of positive
self reflection,
that when I started writing it
I made a conscious decision
to use this as a place to
be thoughtful
and positive.
Knowing that there are plenty of trolls on the internet,
enough critics,
and more than enough depressing pessimism.

I am not always jolly
and I don’t always write about easy stuff,
or good feelings…
but I think we can
lead an examined life
that is also a positive one
and that is a goal,
hope,
vision of mine…
That my better self
has a sense of humor
about being self-critical

and can be gentle about being critical of others…

and knows it’s necessary,
but also knows…
there is a way
to do it
and a way to reflect
that is helping us to know
we are okay
as much as it helping us
to be our better selves…

I was inspired and reminded of my
commitment to optimism
yesterday
when I read this blog by Steve Wiens….

I am inspired to start
patting my parent self on the back
occasionally.

I hope you join me.

The Birds and the Bees and the Sperm Donor

By: Shannon Ralph

Shannon climbed under the covers next to her eldest son and smiled at him. “I think we need to talk.”

“About what?”

Lucas was ten years old and had long ago adopted the habit of slipping upstairs with his mama after his younger siblings were sound asleep in their own beds.

It was their time. It was time Shannon looked forward to every night. Often, Lucas did nothing more than lie on her shoulder and watch her play Sudoku on the iPad, occasionally offering advice on where she could place her next 4. Other times, they snuggled and talked about their day.

Lucas’ other mom, Ruanita, worked evenings. She got the kids when they were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the morning. Shannon got them after a long day of school and work when all four of them—mama included—were exhausted and crabby and whiny and hungry. She got her three children when homework needed to be completed and bodies needed to scrubbed of the day’s dust and muck and arguments over “gross” dinners needed to play out in their entireties. Bedtime stories had to be read. Goodnight kisses had be doled out. And then given again. And one more time, just for good measure.

When all the work of the day was complete and Shannon finally dragged herself upstairs to climb into the memory-foam-covered bed she so adored, her quiet time with her oldest child was a welcome respite. A bright point of calm in an otherwise harried day.

On this particular evening, Shannon decided the time had come to have the talk she had been putting off for weeks. The talk. Tonight would be the night.

Everyone had been telling her for months she needed to have the talk with Lucas. “He’s ten years old. He’s talking about these things.” “Do you want him to get his information about sex from his buddies?” “You need to talk about sex before he’s having sex.”

Shannon could not even fathom her ten-year-old child thinking about—must less having—sex. He still slept with a stuffed “doggie” every night, for God’s sake!

Shannon and her partner, Ruanita, had decided some time ago that Shannon was better equipped to have the talk with their children. Ruanita was a mental health therapist. A professional psychoanalyst—a vocation that came in handy as she navigated the day-to-day trials and tribulations of marriage and parenthood. Though she had the very best of intentions, however, conversations of the kind that was about to unfold were not exactly her forte. She examined things in minute detail. She tended to lecture rather than discuss. And she talked a lot. Much more than was necessary. Much more than a ten-year-old could comprehend. After sitting through some lengthy and rather uncomfortable conversations in the past, Shannon and Ruanita came to the mutually agreed upon decision that Shannon alone would handle the talk.

“Well, um,” Shannon began. “I want to talk to you about something. Something you are old enough to learn about.”

Lucas’ face lit up with a dimpled smile. He liked being told he was old enough for anything and everything. “What?” he asked.

“Well, um, let me ask you a question first.”

“Okay.”

“Well, um, have you ever heard of the word sperm donor before?”

Lucas fiddled with the blanket lying on his chest. “Umm…not really.”

“Well, um.” Jesus Christ, do I have to start every sentence with ‘well, um’? “Let’s back up. Have you ever had anyone tell you that you can’t have two moms? That it doesn’t work that way?”

He shook his head. Shannon saw a flash of fear in his brilliant blue eyes as he appeared to comprehend the direction their discussion was headed.

“Well, um.” Shit, there I go again. “You know that it takes a man and a woman to have a baby, right?”

Lucas nodded mutely, his mouth hanging open in thinly-veiled terror.

“So maybe you’ve wondered how it is that your mom and I were able to have you and your brother and sister?”

Lucas shook his dishwater-blonde head. “Not really.”

“Well, it takes a male part—the sperm—and a female part—the egg—to have a baby. When those two come together, they make a baby. Well, um… (I’m a writer, for God’s sake! When did I become so freaking illiterate?) When your mom and I decided we wanted to have you, we didn’t have any sperm, obviously, so we went to something called a sperm bank. Have you ever heard of that?”

“Umm…no.” Lucas smiled. He always smiled when he was nervous. “Do we have to talk about this?”

“I just think you’re old enough to know some things. Do your friends ever talk about where babies come from?”

Shannon envisioned Lucas’ bespectacled group of 4th grade cronies. Geeks. Nerds. Whatever noun you chose, they were your typical science-loving, Star Wars-quoting, video-game-adoring, fart-joke-rendering, girl-repelling, lactose-intolerant, asthmatic group of highly intellectual, socially inadequate boys. Three of the four, Lucas included, sang in the Metropolitan Boys Choir. Four of the four were competing in their school’s completely optional, non-obligatory, doesn’t-affect-your-grade Science Fair.

“Do your friends ever talk about…well, you know….sex?”

“Do we have to talk about this?”

“I think we should.”

“No, mom, we don’t talk about sex or babies.”

Shannon believed him. This was the child who, just the day before, had said to her, “Hey mom, Sully and I have a theory about how water molecules are held together…” These were the things he and his buddies discussed on the playground at recess.

“Okay. Well, when two women want to have a baby, they go to a sperm bank and borrow sperm from a man who donated it. That man is a donor. You have a donor out there and your brother and sister both have donors. It’s all anonymous, so we know very little about your donor aside from medical history and some basic description.”

“Okay,” Lucas responded anxiously. “Are we done?”

“Do you want to be done?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about this now.” Perhaps having your first conversation about sex while lying in bed with your mother is not ideal. Perhaps, just maybe, Shannon was scarring him for life; essentially dooming all his future sexual encounters to miserable, soul-crushing failure. As she considered the bill for her son’s lengthy and expensive future psychoanalysis—she wondered briefly if Ruanita’s connections in the mental health field could secure them a good deal—Shannon said, “I just want to say one more thing and then we can be done.”

Lucas groaned. He rolled over on his side and pulled the cover up to his chin, bracing himself for whatever verbal vomitus his mother intended to inflict on him this time. “Okay,” he muttered. “What?”

“I just want you to know that you can always come to your mom and me with questions.”

He nodded vigorously, obviously hoping that the harder he nodded, the quicker the conversation would come to an end.

“If you ever have questions about sex or babies or donors or…anything…I want you to come to us. You know you can talk to us, right?”

Lucas nodded again, much more earnestly than before. Shannon was concerned he would dislocate something that would prove vital to his future as a Pulitzer prize-winning physicist living in his parents’ basement, so she decided to put him out of his misery and end the conversation there.

She grabbed the iPad from her nightstand and turned it on. “So,” she said. “Should I play sudoku or mahjong tonight?”

“Sudoku.” Lucas smiled, relief evident in his blue eyes. “Definitely Sudoku.” He laid his head on Shannon’s shoulder. “Mom, can we never talk about that again?”

Shannon breathed a sigh of relief. She had done it. She had broached the topic with her eldest son; had introduced the word “sperm donor” despite his mortification. It was not done perfectly–or perhaps even remotely adequately–but she had done it. Shannon had done the bare minimum required of any responsible parent. And she found herself oddly content with the bare minimum. Like parents the world over, it was now time to sit back and observe the fall-out from her less than stellar parenting.

“Sure, honey,” she relied. “We’re done.”

Give Me a “M”

Matt and Trey participate in a local interview with the Johnson City Press

By-Trey Darnell

I originally had something else planned to share today, but chose to share something different with all of you.  Matthew and I have debated what we want to share as well as to what extent.  We began our adoption process in August 2012 and became a “live” waiting family December 17, 2012.  We just reached the four-month mark as a waiting family.

In my first post with The Next Family, I shared our excitement and sense of optimism after seeing the number of same-sex families that have matched and placed with the Independent Adoption Center (IAC).  The Atlanta, Georgia office has two different bulletin boards.  One of the boards portrays the brochures of waiting families that have matched and the other shows the brochures of families that have placed along with a picture of the new addition.  The number of same-sex families that appeared on both of these boards was inspiring to Matthew and me.

This past week I received a photo from our counselor located in our agency’s Atlanta, Georgia office.  The picture also included this message.  “Thought you might enjoy seeing your letter on the match board.”

Matt and Trey are an approved family with the Independent Adoption Center. Matt and Trey are a same-sex couple sharing their journey to become parents through adoption.

The past two weeks of our adoption journey have been filled with so much excitement.  This picture prompted so much emotion for both of us.  We struggled with just the imagination of our letter making it onto the board.  This was a special morning for us and for her to take the time to send us the picture helped us both realize that this was actually happening.  In this case, pictures speak just as loud as words.  Matthew and I have matched with an amazing expecting mother.  We will share more in the future as we await the arrival of baby “T-Rex” in late summer.

Matt and Trey are an approved family with the Independent Adoption Center. Matt and Trey are a same-sex couple sharing their journey to parenthood through adoption.

We decided we wanted to share this with all of you.  We will share the blog that was supposed to post today “A Shade of Gray” next time.

Like us at facebook.com/mattandtrey and Follow us @MattTreyAdopt

Terroristic Threatening

By: Shannon Ralph

Shhhh.
Was that a siren?

I’m hiding from the police. I expect them to knock on my door any minute now. See, I kind of did something bad this morning. I am not entirely sure it was illegal, but it was at least immoral and likely illegal. It could probably have been considered terroristic threatening without much stretching of the imagination. And that’s illegal, right?

Hence, my fear of sirens.

I threatened my son this morning. I did not threaten him with a loss of privileges like most parents do. I did not threaten to tell his other mom on him like many parents do. I did not threaten to send him to bed without dinner like some parents do. I think my exact words were…

Don’t make me throw you down these stairs, Nicholas.

Yes, I threatened to fling my youngest son down a flight of stairs this morning. Would I have actually done it? Unlikely. But did I seriously consider it in the heat of the moment? Absolutely.

Allow me to explain.

Nicholas slept upstairs in my bedroom last night, as usual. When the alarm went off this morning, I got up. Ruanita got up. Sophie and Lucas reluctantly got up. And Nicholas refused.

We went downstairs. The kids ate breakfast. I washed my hair. Ruanita fed the dog. Nicholas remained asleep upstairs.

I stood at the foot of the stairs yelling for him to come down, to no avail. Ruanita stood at the foot of stairs yelling louder than I did for him to come down, and he still did not come down.

I had taken the day off work to go car shopping with Ruanita. I was practically dragging her there kicking and screaming. It had taken every coercive drop of energy I could muster to convince her to go get a new car today. The kids had to go school. Today was my only shot at a new car. (And if the lousy $400 we got for our barely limping minivan on trade-in was any indication, we desperately needed a new car.) Unless he was missing a limb or there was blood seeping from a life-threatening head or trunk injury (extremity wounds would not have been serious enough), Nicholas had to go to school. It was not a day for pussy-footing around.

So I trudged upstairs with dripping hair to rouse my youngest son. I found him lying in the oversized chair in my bedroom, hiding under the covers. I pulled the covers off and asked him to kindly remove himself from the chair. He refused to open his eyes and did not budge.

I lifted him from the chair and stood him on the floor. His body went completely limp. When I tried to stand him again, he wiggled out of my grip and climbed back into the chair. We repeated this process three times until I finally realized (she can be taught!) that is was an exercise in futility.

Grumbling under my breath, I lifted Nicholas from the chair again, and this time carried him to the landing at the top of the stairs. Again, he went limp. Yet again he nimbly scrambled back to the chair.

Now, had I been a stronger person, I would have simply carried him down the stairs. I could not, however, because 1.) I have an extremely irrational but irrefutable fear of stairs, because 2.) I have bad knees and have convinced myself that they will certainly give out on me one day while walking down a giant flight of stairs and I will plummet to an untimely and ungraceful death. So carrying Nicholas down the stairs was out of the question.

I, however, like to consider myself smarter than the average first grader, so I once again carried him to the landing at the top of the steps. This time, however, I spread my arms and legs wide, blocking the doorway to the bedroom so Nicholas could not flee to the chair.

Realizing that he had been outsmarted by a greater intellect than his own, Nicholas wrapped his skinny arms around the stairway handrail and began to cry. Strangely, there were no actual tears involved in his cry. It merely included a rather odd-looking facial contortion and an ear-splitting wail.

It was at that moment—spread eagle in the doorway to my bedroom facing imminent defeat—that I made the barely conscious decision to resort to terroristic threatening.

Don’t make me throw you down these stairs, Nicholas.

Am I proud? No. Was it one of my finest mommy moments? No. Am I the owner of a shiny new Honda Pilot? Yes.

Shhhh.
Was that a siren?

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