By Brandy Black
The Next Family has launched a new video series called “The Next Living Room” in which my wife and I will be addressing various topics of discussion around family. We would love your input and suggestions for future shows. It is a 2-3 minute video that will run once a week. Today’s topic is “the other mother.” How do you describe yourself? Lesbian dad, the other mother, non-bio mom, or are you like my wife, see what she has to say.
By Lex Jacobson
My wife Devon has been a dream through this pregnancy. She’s so thoughtful and does things for me before I even think about them. She’s always been supportive, but I’ve never seen her like this. It kind of makes my heart melt every single day. I’m extremely lucky.
Devon is extremely excited to be a mom but I think she’s struggling a little bit with what she’s supposed to feel during the pregnancy part… and also what her role will be when the baby comes, but for now, the pregnancy. She’s read several stories from Confessions of the Other Mother and her overall comments so far have been that, unlike many of the other mothers, she doesn’t have a drive to be masculine and fatherly. Yes, she’s protective of me, but she’s always been. She also does not hold any of the resentment that many non-bio moms in the book seem to hold for not being the body that bears the child.
As I talk about the stories and posts I read on pregnancy forums, she often asks whether I’ve seen any such sites or resources for non-bio moms. We’ve searched for websites that support non-bio moms and though we’ve found an odd story and anecdote here and there, there really isn’t much. I’m wondering if any of you have any advice or resources that I can pass on to her. I want her to feel as supported as I feel, but I am at a loss as to how to help her.
I just need to say that it’s not like she’s extremely affected and can’t move past this; it’s definitely not like that. I guess I’m feeling as though she’s doing SO much for me, I just want to do something for her. There are a billion support systems for pregnant women, but yeah – it’s like it’s the dark side for the non-bios.
She’s not sure what she wants to be called when the baby comes. For a while, she wanted to be “Mama D” but that’s something I really don’t like, because to me, I can just see the “Mama” being dropped and our kid ending up calling her Devon and me Mum. That might work for some people, but I want her to be an equal and for some reason, having a “mom” name is part of it. I will start by being Mumma and end up with Mum (British background) and just today she said that “Mommy/Mom” might be okay… but it’s taken a long time to get here. Not sure what we’ll end up with, but I guess we don’t need to think about it at this point.
Anyway, any advice on the resources would be splendid.