Welcome to Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

So, I’ve been away, kids, and I apologize.

I was in Provincetown, Massachusetts doing my one-man show, TONY TRIPOLI: I Shit My Pants (An Evening Of Sophisticated Standup), and, since it was my very first time there, I have QUITE A BIT to report.

I got offered the booking there a few months ago, and, while I knew that Ptown was a gay beach town with lots of entertainers performing all summer, and that a number of my friends have worked there and had a blast, what I didn’t know could fill a book.

Or, at least, this column…

First off, the lovely lesbian booker had only one condition for my hiring: re-shoot the poster for my show…shirtless. This, of course, goes contrary to virtually every tenant of comedy. I mean, other than Dane Cook, name a comic you’d wanna bang. Exactly. And, don’t say Sarah Silverman, ‘cause, while I’m a fan, she is hardly the epitome of feminine grace. My point is, as comedians, we are supposed to be outsiders pointing out the flaws in the system, and complaining about how we can’t get laid. If you are half naked on the billboard, it’s sorta sending the wrong message. But, the lovely lesbian booker claimed that THAT is how things are done in Ptown, and that it was a deal breaker.

I re-shot the poster.

What was originally this:

Was changed to this:

But, I gotta admit, it put butts in the seats. Score one for the lovely lesbian booker.

Another thing that is unique to Ptown is called “Barking”. Barking is the act of standing outside in front of your theater, handing flyers to the passersby, and trying to convince them to buy a ticket for your show. It’s very much like being a homeless person begging for change, except with less dignity.

And more dirty looks.

So, every day, I would walk the beach, handing out flyers, and stand on the street, handing out flyers. All the while, asking folks to come to the show, and having them say things to me like:

1) Is that supposed to be you?

2) You look taller in the picture.

And

3) Do you show your cock?

Lucky I never considered myself an artist, cause this woulda killed it.

All in all, the shows went great, though after my first performance, my lovely lesbian booker asked me very politely to take out 2 jokes that she felt were too edgy for Ptown. A town full of homos, and my stuff is too edgy? Upset, and unsure what to do, I called my dear friend, actor and comedian extraordinaire Alec Mapa. You know him from Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty, and his standup is filthy and fabulous.

“What should I do?”

“Girl, I’d take those 2 jokes and turn ‘em into 20 minutes…”

“Yes, but, I don’t have Ugly Betty money.”

(pause)

“Take ‘em out.”

Disaster averted, I finished my run to nice audiences, and 2 less jokes than I do everywhere else. But, the check cleared, so, screw it.

Remember…I told you I wasn’t an artist.

You can read more about Tony at tonytripoli.com

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Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

The creator of Jersey Shore slipped to the Hollywood Reporter that she puts the whole cast on Valtrex, a popular herpes medication, going so far as to call the cast “A Herpes Nest”.

But, the kids are growing up. Pretty soon, it will be time to spread their legs and fly…

Prada is about to release these canvas “Budget Bags”, which will sell for ONLY $295 each.

They will look especially chic at the unemployment office, the food stamp office, or the free clinic.

Danielle Staub, of the New Jersey Housewives and “Prostitution Whore!” fame, is about to get famous-er. A 75-minute sex tape, allegedly made last September, is going on sale next week.

And, apparently, this came as a shock to Danielle…I mean, look at her eyebrows. They actually stayed that way…

The Bachelor Pad, the newest show from the Bachelor franchise, is currently taping, and will air later this year.
It reunites the show’s most unforgettable contestants, most of whom I’ve long since forgotten about, and lets them compete in “challenges”.

You know, like getting famous again.

Holly Madison, whose new show, Holly’s World, premiered this week, is writing a book about Las Vegas, and its lesser known roadside attractions.

Basically, places that aren’t casinos where you can get wasted and fuck.

Here’s J-Wow, from Jersey Shore.

And, her cantaloupes.

She’s wearing a dress (ish) from her new collection, FILTHY COUTURE, which she promises will be available to everyone with cash soon.

Which makes sense, cause she looks like she’s available to anyone with cash now.

By the way, if you don’t want me to call ‘em cantaloupes, don’t make ‘em orange.

In spite of being quoted as saying “I don’t believe in doing something you don’t believe in to make money… like a makeup campaign or something like that,” actress and smarty-pants Natalie Portman has signed on to be the new face of Parfums Christian Dior.

At least college girl is smart enough to know how to properly spell “hypocrite”…

This outfit makes Rihanna look so tiny…. Oh, it’s Willow Smith, Jaden Smith’s sister, at his Karate Kid premiere?

Dang. Something tells me that when this kid tells you to get her a Bouncin’ Berry Capri Sun, you better not come back with a Hawaiian Punch, or you’ll get a miniature boot in your ass. That she just used
to squash out her Newport.

Tony Tripoli
tonytripoli.com

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Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

It’s just a plain old-fashioned shitty time right now.

A professional dancer in the first half of her career won “Dancing With The Stars”, Crystal Bowersox didn’t win “American Idol”, and instead, some guy who doesn’t sing so great did, AND apparently, the “Sex And The City” sequel is a gold-dipped turd.

Happy Memorial Day, America.

I guess this year, we’re remembering mediocrity.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the oil spill and Jesse James’s interview…both huge sources of crap just gurgling out non-stop.

One bright spot: I have a week off.

The TV Show I write on, THE DISH, is on hiatus this week, because we are airing a special episode: THE DISH PRESENTS TV’s FIGHTS AND FEUDS! It is a really funny recap of the big A-holes on our TVs this year, and we aren’t even to June yet. We award our top prize, The Golden Brass Knuckles of Excellence, to that bad Mama-Jama, Kate Gosselin.

I am telling you this not to promote the show (which premieres Saturday at 10pm, check local listings), but rather, because I HAD A REAL LIFE RUN-IN WITH KATE GOSSELIN, and you need to know!

We taped the special last Friday afternoon, and when we were done, I went to Burke Williams Spa for a “let’s get this vacation started” massage. It is a great spa, and the best part is, you go early and soak in whirlpools, saunas, and steam rooms, while drinking water with a cucumber slice in it, which is, apparently, incredibly fancy, and what I would be doing at home, if I loved myself more.

An hour after taping our shows, I’m in a towel, alone in a steam room, forgetting the stresses of dealing with the dumbasses of the world….ahhhh.

Then 2 men enter the tiny sweatlodge. One in a towel, the other nude and impossibly attractive.

Nudie plops down next to me, extends his hand, and, in his outside voice, asks “How ya doin’ Bro?”

So much for forgetting the dumbasses.

My response was brilliant. Since he was being inappropriately loud, I decided to reply in the tiniest whisper I could, thereby educating this ingrate in proper steamroom etiquette. Obviously, he would realize what a clod he had been, and lower his voice, and drink some magical cucumber water.

I whispered: “Just relaxing.”

Not only did nudie NOT lower his voice, he upped the douchebag ante by announcing to the audience that lives in his head: “I’m Jordan, and this is my publicist, Ben.”

That one shocked me, and I’ve lived in L.A. over 20 years.

But, I think I took him down a peg or two. I spent the next few minutes telling Ben how fascinating his job sounded, asking countless questions about his career, and even his other clients.

I never asked nudie anything.

Pretty soon, he got pouty, and left.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Ben enjoyed his absence as much as I did.

After my massage, I was waiting for the elevator down to the parking level, when the doors opened, and out walked Kate Gosselin and her silver fox of a bodyguard.

She was wearing more makeup than any drag queen I know, and I know quite a few. Her dress was extremely tight, and extremely mini. Perhaps it was one of her daughter’s. Don’t ask about the hair; you know the answer.

She breezed past, and in one of those reflexive moments in life where you act without thinking, I blurted: “Excuse me, Kate, may I tell you something really quickly?”

I don’t know what I thought I was going to tell her, but I knew this would be a good story, so I’d just have to cross that bridge when I got to it.

She stopped in her tracks, spun around on her extremely tall heels, and said, in a tone that could best be described as “accusatory”: “WHAT?!”

Well, now I’d poked the hornets’ nest with a stick, hadn’t I?

“I write on a TV show, called THE DISH, and, um, we love you there, and, um, we tease you a lot, but, you know, love you….anyway, we just taped a special, about the best fighters of the year, and hey, we awarded you the Golden Brass Knuckles of Excellence…..so, that’s, you know, cool, huh?”

Her reply was simple. Just a single syllable. Yet, in that syllable, I got a glimpse into the daily lives of little Aiden, or, Maddie, or the one with the glasses. And, it was brutal. If this is what they hear when they tell Mommy they are hungry or got a boo boo, or miss their Daddy, then we gotta get ‘em out of there.

“oh.”

I didn’t even capitalize it, because she didn’t. And trust me, she didn’t have to.

Lucky for me, her Golden Brass Knuckles of Excellence hadn’t been delivered yet.

Tony Tripoli

tonytripoli.com

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Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

Lately, I’ve been dating a lot.

A Lot.

And, I will tell you why. I just joined Facebook.

Okay, I swore I would go to my grave without being a part of that phenomenon, but when I recently mounted the production of my solo show, TONY TRIPOLI : I SHIT MY PANTS (an evening of sophisticated theater), I had to get an account because it’s valuable promotion, and it’s FREE.

3 months later, I have reached the limit of 500 friends! Crazy. The shows were sold out, so….mission accomplished! But, I hadn’t anticipated the number of guys who would just hit on me through Facebook. And, I mean “Hi, here’s my wiener” kind of hitting. Turns out, dicks ARE like snowflakes….who knew?

Anyway, the attention is flattering- at first. But, honey, there’s a dark side.

After getting a shout out from the guy, I always go to their page, and look for RELATIONSHIP STATUS. I am not kidding here, more than half are listed as “Married” or “In A Relationship”.

Not to judge, but, I’m trying to find MY husband, not yours.

And, then there are the ones that say “It’s Complicated”.

No it’s not. You’re shady. See how easy that was?

Still, I have managed to go on more than a few dates. Or, I should say: schedule dates. One weekend, I planned coffee dates to meet 9 guys, from Friday evening to Sunday. It sounds like a lot, but hear me out.

The Friday night guy cancelled, and rescheduled for Monday night. Then, he cancelled that, too. My Saturday at 6 cancelled and rescheduled for Sunday at Noon, then cancelled and rescheduled for Sunday at 7, then just plain cancelled.

2 others no-showed, and never replied to my texts asking where the hell they were.

Of the 2 men I actually met, one sat down, and said “Before we start, you should know I have AIDS, and just started my crystal meth recovery. So, if that’s an issue, it’s your problem.”

Really? Cause from this side of the table, I’m pretty sure it’s YOUR problem, unless we share needles during lattes.

The other guy had no age listed on his page, so one of my first questions for him was, naturally “How old are you?”, cause I’m 40, and I want a husband, not a pet. He said he was 23, so, what could I do? I exhaled. Loudly.

He then asked “is it weird that you’re exactly twice my age?”, and though I’m not usually one to split hairs, I don’t like being 40, so 46 is out of the fucking question.

Off my raised eyebrows, he rethought it, and said “Oh, duh, not TWICE. That would be….45?”

Yes, folks. WITH the question mark.

So, I won’t be seeing him again, in spite of how hot the sex was.

Oh, stop judging. I paid 9 bucks to park.

And, THAT is why my Facebook profile says “SINGLE”.

.
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Tony Tripoli
tonytripoli.com

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Welcome To Crazy Land

April 20, 2010 by  
Filed under Celebrity, Entertainment

By: Tony Tripoli

Conan O Brien announced that he will be taking his show to TBS, and airing right before Lopez Tonight.

This is great news for Pepto Bismol, because following Irish with Mexican is gonna cause a lot of stomach issues.

Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner have gotten matching tattoos.

No confirmation on if they really do say “I’m with Stupid”.

47 year old star Demi Moore has said that she doesn’t think of herself as any older than 5, adding “that’s why my twitter picture is me at 5.”

I never though it possible, but that makes Ashton Kutcher even grosser to me.

The poster for Sex and the City 2 came out this week, and apparently, Carrie Bradshaw is now the world’s hippest Jewish Princess, wandering the desert for 40 days, with her reading glasses in hand. I can practically hear her whining about how her heels keep sinking into the sand. “And, don’t get me started on this shmatta…my shoulders will burn so badly, I’ll be peeling till Rosh Hashanah.”

Chance Crawford had dropped out of the Footloose remake.

He claims it is due to the shooting schedule, and, by that, he means he doesn’t want to be in it if they are actually going to shoot it.

Britney Spears agreed to let Candies release the un-retouched image of her latest ad. The ‘After” image removed a bruise on her shin, erased some cellulite, and slimmed her waist and thigh.

The dead eyes are 100 percent real.

It’s hard to get Heidi Montag to talk about herself, but the folks at US magazine managed to get the tightlipped, all-natural beauty to spill plans for her movie career. First step: a big action flick.

She said, “I’ve trained in knife fighting with one of the founding members of Saw.”

First of all, learning anything from the Saw movies is like learning to act at your plastic surgeon’s office.

And, second, your 10 procedures only count as ‘knife fighting’ in the sense that you lost.

The always shy Kathy Griffin got a pap smear and a vajazzel-ing while lounging by the pool last week, to draw attention to cancer awareness.

I’m sorry, I meant Kathy Griffin awareness.

Former Saved By The Bell and 90210 star Tiffani Thiessen is on the cover of  Pregnancy magazine, and when asked about her hopes for her first child, she responds: “Long and Lean.”

Great job, Tiff; no future body issues there.

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Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

Dealing with your parents as an adult can be even trickier than when you were a kid. And, some of us certainly do better than others. Since I am a stand-up comic, I talk about my folks on stage, so, you can imagine some of the fun conversations we’ve had as a result.

I just finished a run of my one man show, TONY TRIPOLI : I SHIT MY PANTS! (An evening of sophisticated stand up), and for my Father’s birthday, he wanted to come to L.A., and see the show.

You are probably looking at your computer right now, yelling: “Don’t do it, Moron”, but I cannot hear you, and this was a week ago, so shut up. Besides, you’re the one yelling at your computer, so, maybe you’re the moron.

So, I flew Dad in last weekend. I got him a hotel, and on the way to check in, he starts:

Dad: I don’t need a hotel, Son.

Me: It’ll be better.

Dad: But, I can just stay at your place.

Me: This is better.

Dad: I’ll just sleep on the couch.

Me: This is better.

Dad: That way, I’ll be there in the morning when you wake up, and we’ll have so much more time together.

Me: This is better for ME.

And…..Silence.

I took him to the hotel.

That night, we went to the Arclight to see a movie, which he chose. The film was called “Chloe”, and since Julianne Moore was the star, I was totally in, in spite of not knowing anything else about it. I’ll try not to ruin it, but, it’s a big piece of crap, and you should skip it. Basically, Julianne suspects her husband, Liam Neeson is cheating, so she hires a hooker, Amanda Seyfried, to hit on him, and report back. Good idea, but, it quickly unravels into a straight man’s idea of how female sexuality works, and Julianne gets so jealous of her husband’s encounters with Amanda, she seduces Amanda, and they have this really long, very naked, lesbian sex scene that no gay guy should have to watch sitting next to his straight father, okay?!

The next day, Dad came to see my show, which is an hour and a half of stand up. Lots of naughty dating stories, and more than one tale of having an accident in my pants. Really, I think the Pulitzer folks will be calling me any day…

My father laughed a lot, and told me he was very proud afterward, which is so sweet.

Then, the next morning, as I drove him to the airport, he said “Son, I couldn’t sleep last night, thinking about something you said on stage”. Oh shit, I thought. Here it comes.

“You said that your parents don’t ‘get it’, and I just want you to know, I’m so sorry”.

My Dad is wonderful, you guys. He’s affectionate, caring, interested, and involved. And, when I speak, he really listens. Even if I’m on stage in a room full of strangers, telling poop jokes. He really is the greatest.

I explained that I was only making a little joke about how all adult children feel like there parents don’t ‘get it’ sometimes, but that I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings, and I was glad he told me.

Dealing with your parents can be tricky, but, it’s always worth it. And, sometimes, just like when you were a kid, it makes you a better person.

Tony Tripoli

tonytripoli.com

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Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

tony

You know how celebs are always saying they were in bed asleep when the Oscar nominations came out, and the phone woke them up, when in reality, you know they were perched on the edge of the bed with a Meryl Streep voodoo doll and a pint of Ben and Jerrys, hoping to hear their names called?

Well, that’s ME when they announce a new batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants.

dancing-with-the-stars

Sadly, again this year, I was not on the list. But, at least Niecy Nash was. And, she’s practically a gay guy.

Boo-ya!

niecy

Also making the cut was the most recent himbo Bachelor, who is just doing it to stay away from Vienna, as well as Kate Gosselin, who is for sure doing it to stay away from those kids of hers. Seriously, she saw them at Christmas, and she gooooood.

1254751801_kate-gosselin-290

Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon, but even then was REALLY slow, so….you do the math.

Buzz

Shannen Doherty has a shot, as long as she only looks out of her good eye,

Shannen Doherty

and Pamela Anderson will at least be entertaining. Watching her try the Vienese Waltz in those Lucite stripper shoes of hers will be must – see TV.

pamela-anderson

But, my prediction for the champ: soap hunk Aiden Turner,

aidan-turner

who is paired with the always sexy Edita Sliwinska. These two are so hot, I’m not sure which one I wanna make out with first!

Edyta

Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson was on the View this week,

RobertPattinson

and, was asked if he would ever date an older woman. His answer: ”I think Betty White is probably one of the sexiest women in America. She’s vibrant; it’s sexy. I think the more age the better.”

During the commercial break, things took an awkward turn when Barbra Walters asked if he’d be interested in “banging the LifeAlert bracelet right offa me”.

TV Walters Affair

US Magazine claims that Real Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciack is about to come out of the closet. And, not in some tacky outfit, as per usual, but with a lesbian lover!

They say she has been dating DJ Tracy Young for the past 3 months.

kim-zolciak-dj-tracy-young

I’m not saying she’s a narcissist, but doesn’t her girlfriend look exactly like her, without the wig and drag makeup?

Oh, and, she’s totally a narcissist.

.

Sources claim that Tiger Woods has received phone calls from both President Obama, and former President Bill Clinton.

Obama chastised him for “Making us all look bad” and Clinton said “You go, brother!!! Haha. Damn, I’m just green with envy, brohiem. We gotta grab us a couple beers and chase some tail once this blows over….”

tiger-woods

The singing and dancing cast of the hit show GLEE has announced a muli-city tour this May.

Expect arenas full of former class nerds that don’t think they are still nerds, but, are.

Glee+Cast+Glee

Jessica Simpson has been tweeting her love advice. Ok,…. thanks?

Her nuggets of wisdom include: “You can’t love someone else to change them. Happiness comes from accepting who they are.”

I guess she learned that after not accepting who Nick Lachey, Tony Romo, and John Mayer are.

jessica-simpson-picture-6

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You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.
Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)
OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.
Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.

[photo credit Buzz: Flickr member Mharrsh]

[photo credit Edyta: Flickr member burningkarma]

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Welcome To Crazy Land

February 19, 2010 by  
Filed under Entertainment, Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

tony

The Celebs have really been going for gold medals in Crazy lately, right?

Tons of gossip blogs are reporting that Avril Levine and Brody Jenner are having secret hook-ups around Hollywood.

I think they’re a great match. He is too dumb to realize she spells Sk8ter Boi wrong.

Avirl

Details put Robert Pattinson in its 10th anniversary cover, surrounding him with nude models.

But, he’s not impressed, and, in the article actually says:  “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vaginas.”

I know how you feel, RPatz, I suffer from Seasonal Vaginal Allergies as well…..all year ‘round.

detailspattinsoncover

After listening to him talk endlessly about his sexual exploits to any publication that will let him, adult video company Vivid Entertainment has invited John Mayer to direct a movie for them.

XXX _JOHN MAYER GAP 1669.JPG

Let me suggest a title: “Your body is a wonderland….that can accommodate a large number of other wonderlands.”

Then , maybe a sequel:  “Your body is a Wonderland….with no sensation left in it.”

my affairs

Okay, enough about them. Let’s talk about me.

A week ago, I caved in to all the endless pressure placed upon me by dozens of friends and co-workers, and finally set up a Facebook page. I resisted as long as I could, motivated by the idea that if I’m not still in touch with you, there is a reason, and it’s your fault. Also, I had the worst break-up of my life last year, and he was really into updating his Facebook status, so, I knew if I ever signed up, I’d start getting chirpy messages from him about how great his life is without me in it. Or, I’d be up all night, in a bathrobe, quietly staring at his page, trying to break the hidden code in his comment replies to his male friends. They’re totally sleeping together; that’s obviously what he meant by “almost done with my taxes…hurray.”

As you can tell, I’m SO over him.

Cut to me, realizing I have 3 shows coming up in March, and I gotta promote. Facebook is effective and free, so, I have to suck it up, and make a page.

Not 10 minutes after opening my account, I have a friend request.

FROM HIM.

Now, I was not prepared for this kind of intimacy with him again, and so soon.

In a panic, I hit ‘Ignore”, and then, as anyone in my position would do, completely unraveled.

After 2 days of listening to me alternately whine and worry – He’d done this twice before, where he texts or emails, then disappears again as soon as I express interest, so I know I need to just cut off all contact- my best friend cracked, and wrote him an email. He told my ex to either step up, and be the man I deserved, or to leave me alone, and let my try to heal. (Nice how he said “Try”, as if it may never actually happen.)

Then, within 5 minutes, my ex replies: “I didn’t send Tony any friend request, and can’t imagine doing so any time soon.” Ouch.

Apparently, my ex had ‘invited me to join’ Facebook when we first met, and their system saves the info, so if you ever do join, those that ‘invited’ you automatically have a friend request for you.

I didn’t know that.

That’s very embarrassing.

So, I am now on Facebook (Friend me if you dare!), and going slowly. Reconnecting with a lot of lovely people from my past. No contact from the ex, which is for the best, I know.

Oh, and I have a best friend who loves me enough to write an angry email defending me, even when I turn out to be wrong.

THAT just may be ‘The Greatest love of All.”

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You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.
Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)
OR, see him LIVE at the Fake Gallery, March 14, 21, and 28 at 7pm.
Go to tonytripoli.com for info, or friend him on Facebook.

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Welcome To Crazy Land

February 9, 2010 by  
Filed under Entertainment, Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

So much has been happening:

Donatella Versace went sunbathing,

donatella_versace06_4b5efd5730141

and I haven’t slept the whole night through since. And, don’t tell my trainer, but I can’t seem to stop craving beef jerky…

The Miss America Pageant, and no one seemed to care except me and Mario Lopez.

Mario-Lopez-Miss-America-Host-2010-500x694

What is his skin made of, exactly? It’s like peachy velvet. Yes, he probably banged all 53 contestants, but, I call that patriotism, people.

mario-lopez-host-1.0.0.0x0.415x600

And, look at his body. I gotta get offa this beef jerky train, or I’m for sure gonna die alone.

The Grammy’s proved, once again, that Pink can literally hang from the ceiling dripping wet,

PINK-GRAMMYS

and all anyone is gonna talk about the next day is that damn Taylor Swift.

That can’t make a girl feel too good.

And, speaking of feelings, since I didn’t have the special glasses, that lame 3D Michael Jackson tribute showed me what it feels like to see the world the way Paula Abdul does.

paula-abdul-mess

Thanks, Grammy’s.

But the big news is: I WAS ON TV, TOO.

Yep, and I can prove it.

TTonTV

It’s TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time countdown, and it’s still running, so set your DVR. (Really, even if you are reading this in 2032, trust me, it’s re-running. These things are like Carrot Top: they never go away, and when you do take another look, it’s even worse than you remembered.)

But, I’m honored to be a part of it.

Here’s the scoop:

Someone at TV Guide saw my one-man show, entitled “TONY TRIPOLI : I SHIT MY PANTS” last December, (not joking, that’s what I called it) and asked if I’d like to do this countdown special. I said yes, because, I like being on TV, and I have tons of opinions. In fact, one of the things that is great about me is, I don’t need any actual information to form an opinion; I’ll just make one up. It’s a real time-saver!

Anyway, they set up the time, and sent me the list of the 25 sexy couples, so I could prepare. I’ve seen a million of these types of shows, and even been on a bunch, so I know that they want sarcastic, edgy jokes. But, perhaps, in hindsight, I should have ASKED someone if that’s what they wanted for this particular countdown.

They didn’t.

So, when you watch, you’ll notice that everything I say ends in an upward inflection, as if I’m continuing to speak, but get cut off. Yeah, it sounds that way because that’s exactly what’s happening. I set up my joke, and right as I get rude, or as I like to call it to “the good part”, they cut away to someone nicer.

Example: when talking about Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, I say that the famous line “You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow”, would never be in a movie today. And, if it was, it would be changed to “Just put your lips together and blow….ME.”

OR:

About Brad and Angelina, I say “Sure, they met on Mr. and Mrs. Smith, when he was married to Jenn Aniston, but let’s remember what’s important here: In their years together, they have purchased the most adorable family.”

AND:

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are legendary. They were both so caramel-colored, and gorgeous, and now, they are like Hollywood’s most gorgeous lesbian couple.

Ellen, Portia: this is your future.

I just don’t understand why they cut it.

You can watch Tony on TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time, playing now.
Listen to his podcast : THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI (free  on iTunes)
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Welcome To Crazy Land

January 25, 2010 by  
Filed under Entertainment, Welcome To Crazy Land

By: Tony Tripoli

tony

Hello, and welcome!
 Thanks for clicking on the AFFAIRS button. No, it’s not a forum for swingers and wife-swapping- (but, let’s not rule that out, okay?)- it’s a place where I’ll be talking about the goings on of celebrities, TV, Pop Culture, and even myself.
 Here’s a taste:

heidi

This week, Heidi Montag and her new head were on my television WAY TOO MUCH. Watching her try to move the hole in the center of her face and produce coherent sentences is like watching one of those nature shows, where the butterfly is struggling to get free from the cocoon, only in her case, instead of coming out a butterfly, she ends up looking like my 48 year-old Jewish realtor.
 After having 10 plastic surgeries in ONE DAY (Cher calls that ‘Tuesday’), and getting a great deal of negative attention for it, she says she’s ready to face her critics head on, which, aside from being a poor choice of words, makes me feel like a battle of wits with her would be like getting into the ring with Muhammad Ali.
 Not in the 70’s though….TODAY.

John Mayer

John Mayer said a crapload of dumb stuff in the new Rolling Stone, and here is the best of the worst:

“Like, you need to have them (girlfriends) be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too?” The Joshua Tree of vaginas? To which I say, “Hey Johnny, if you want a vagina that looks like Joshua Tree, try Lady Gaga.”

He also admits:
 “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.”

Hmmmm. So we watch the same porn. Didn’t see that one coming. But, before breakfast? Gross! Who raised you???

My Affairs

my affairs

Now, most posts won’t be this long, but it’s the first one, and I want you to get to know me a little bit as well, so I’m not just some snotty blogger you know nothing about….here goes:

When your lesbian boot camp teacher asks you if you want to write a blog for her wifey’s website, YOU SAY YES.
 That, my new friends, is why you are reading this now (and, no, it’s not “Lesbian Boot Camp”- I’m not nearly tough enough for that).

Should I start over? I’ll tell you about me, cause I’m a gay guy in LA, and therefore, it’s my favorite subject.

I’m Tony, a 40 year old homo in Hollywood. My picture is attached (see, that boot camp is no joke, Lesbian or not). Susan, the lovely sapphic lady who kicks my ass every Monday, knows I’m a comic and TV writer, so she asked if I’d be into writing this column.
 And, kids, here’s a lesson I learned years ago: When a lesbian asks you to do something, just do it. As a gay man, I owe the ladies a ton. Every AIDS benefit I ever performed in, there was a circle of, like, 14 gay guys arguing over the color of the backdrop, and 2 dykes hanging it. Sorry, but it’s true. The lesbians GET SHIT DONE, and we gay men have benefitted enormously.

So, I’m calling this payback.

I’ll be talking about my experience here in Los Angeles -trying to date, pay my bills, and maybe get famous. I’ll also complain about my family in Arizona, cause they’ll never read this, and I can’t afford therapy. And, you’ll laugh, I promise. Maybe with me, definitely at me. But, that still counts.

This weekend, I’m off to Phoenix, my hometown, to take my niece to see Disney On Ice. Because, when you are an almost-5-year-old girl, your gay uncle is a friggin’ superhero. Who am I to correct her? We have a blast together, and she just constantly teaches me how much cooler kids are than us old people. This summer, we went to ride the carousel at the mall (remember when that was enough, parents?), and as we left, her Mom told us “No ice cream. We’re eating dinner as soon as you get back.” Moms are hard core that way. So after the ride, Matea says “Uncle Tony, I have an idea. What if we get some ice cream?” Now, I’m a responsible adult, so I replied, “Matea, you heard your Mommy tell us ‘No Ice Cream’. We are gonna have dinner, and she doesn’t want us to spoil our appetites.” Pause. She’s hatching a plan, of course. ”Uncle Tony, I have another idea. What if we have the ice cream, and we don’t tell my Mommy? Hmmmm?” Nothing cuter than a kid tryin’ to work the system. I, obviously, told her “No, Matea, that would be the same as lying, and we don’t want to lie to your Mommy, do we?” Her answer: “Well, I do.”
Didn’t miss a beat.
 P.S., she got her ice cream. Because anybody can be a good person; comedic timing is rare.
 Oh, get off my case, I’m a superhero, remember? The rules don’t apply. Besides, I live in another state, so my little sister can just deal.

So, yeah, just flying in, spoiling her, and leaving. Okay, I will also for sure make a lot of bad food choices, cause Mom will cook non-stop, but, don’t tell Susan. She’ll make me regret on Monday night. Another life lesson: you cannot please both your Mother and your lesbian boot camp teacher.
 And, Moms hold grudges.

Come back for more celeb- trashing next week!!!

Tony Tripoli is a comic in Los Angeles. He is a staff writer on STYLE’s ‘THE DISH’, and co-host of the hit podcast “THE COMEDY COUCH WITH DENNIS HENSLEY AND TONY TRIPOLI”, which is FREE on iTunes. Tony Tripoli

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