Long Beach Pride 2012

By: Kelly Rummelhart

Had a great time at Gay Pride this year! My best friend Stacie and I were going to be too pregnant this summer to attend SF Pride as usual, so looked around and found out that Long Beach Pride had perfect timing. So Friday, Stacie and I flew from Sacramento to Long Beach and met three other surrogate friends there.

We had our shirts made, although Stacie forgot hers at home . . . I’ll blame pregnancy brain. Saturday we hung around the festival grounds, which was a blast. At first we were surprised they charged $20 to get in but it was well worth the money. San Francisco doesn’t charge for a similar experience, but we all agreed it was a lot better than SF Pride’s booths, etc.

Sunday we walked down to a friend’s house and watched the parade from her front yard. I really liked Long Beach’s parade as well. I wasn’t sure how it would compare to SF’s but it was great. Yes, it was smaller but it had a great community feel to it. Overall, I was really impressed with Long Beach Pride. I would definitely return another year there for sure. However, after seeing how FABULOUS Las Vegas Pride’s entry was decorated . . . men and drag queens in feathers and the car decked out with feather streamers and sparkly decorations, we may go there next year. We were thinking of Chicago before, but Vegas got our attention.

Two-Month Check-up

By: Kerrie Olejarz

 

 

We had been home for a few weeks and it was time for Cailyn’s two-month check up at the doctor.  We chose to stay with our family doctor and avoid a pediatrician unless absolutely necessary.  We are fortunate that our family doctor does infant care, and that we really like her.  I was excited to see Cailyn’s weight and length gains, but petrified of following through on vaccinations.  Anyone who knows me knows that I always go to my naturopath for treatments: getting a cold – I go for a vitamin and homepathic IV; feeling sluggish – I go for blood ozone treatments. So, needless to say, I feared vaccinating and Mark and I laboured over what to do.  We spent many a night discussing both the pros and cons of vaccinations, and at the end of it we were inconclusive.  Before we had left for India I spoke with the doctor about my hesitations and she made it clear that she would support our decision, whichever way we went.  After a week home, I packed up Cailyn and headed to the doctor with some anxiety.  The appointment went well; we had a general discussion on how she eats, sleeps, and poops.  Then we stripped her down to weigh her and I was pleasantly surprised to see Cailyn weigh in at 8.08lbs, up from her birth weight of 6.37lbs.  This was a perfect weight gain and put Cailyn in the fiftieth percentile.  She had also grown a whopping 4 cm in length, which also landed her in the fiftieth percentile.  The doctor did a thorough physical exam on Cailyn who did not make any fuss.  After the exam, Dr P asked me what we had decided to do with the whole vaccine drama.  She said it was her job to explain to me WHY we should vaccinate, but it was ultimately the parents’ decision on whether or not to do it.  I loved her understanding and support!  I told her we were still on the fence and needed more time.  Fortunately, Dr P totally understood and welcomed my/our hesitation.  She told me to take time to consider it further, and if we decided to vaccinate that we would use the standard vaccine schedule, just at later dates than recommended.  I felt a huge sense of relief having not been pressured into doing it right there and then.   We also discussed the craziness of Cailyn’s spitting up, and as we did so, Cailyn showed off her wonderful spitting up abilities right there in the exam room.  I was so happy she did it as she did not normally spit up a just a little bit, it was a lot.  The volume that would come out at one time was alarming , yet, not too worrisome.  The end result of the discussion was that Cailyn was gaining weight at a good pace and therefore the spitting up, at this point, was more of a laundry problem than anything. At the end of the visit I asked about the Neonatatl heel prick test as this is not standard in India.  I felt it was important to have this test to look for any rare genetic or metabolic issues. Dr P was happy to oblige and told me she would find out where we go to do this and get back to me within a few days.  Over all the first appointment at home went well, Cailyn was healthy and this is what was most important.

Of Hope and Humanity (Part Two)

By: Lisa Regula Meyer

I gave birth on a Tuesday, in the early morning, and Thursday afternoon we left the hospital. The guys were still staying in town one more night because our discharge was later in the day and they had a six-hour drive home (plus a lot of time for stops this trip). So Friday we had one last goodbye, and then they were off. A few hours after they left, we were off, to Minneapolis for my annual professional conference. My first experience with pumping and traveling, and it was quite the learning experience at that. By the way, frozen breast milk travels through TSA screenings perfectly well, while fresh is infinitely harder. Just so you know. Everything went well, and on the little one’s one-week birthday, we were on our way back home. I have to credit daddy and papa (my intended fathers) for being amazing during this time. I had emails, phone pictures, calls, and updates. We were all sharing pictures and gushing on Facebook, and things just went outstandingly well. We had talked ahead of time about how to handle afterwards, what expectations we all had, what to do and not do, so we were prepared, and I think that was a huge help in navigating those hormone-driven and sleep-deprived post-partum and early infant days. It also helped that daddy is a counselor, and deals amazingly well with people. As things calmed down and I got back into work, there were changes, obviously, but we all dealt with them as they came with copious communication. I took some time to focus on myself, and pamper myself some, not by time off of work (yeah, graduate students who want to graduate don’t really do that), but with things like eating out, massages, and using pumping time as time to read, play online, whatever. We set up a time to go visit the new family, marked the date on the calendar, and just enjoyed the end of summer. I had my prospectus defense scheduled, so I spent a lot of time getting that document ready, editing, and practicing questions (which, ironically, I’m going through again as I prep my dissertation for defense). Life was good. What no one communicated about, and what no one expected, was that Monday morning call from my mom and her husband. What no one expected was that our first reaction would be “Did her husband do it?” when we heard of Kim’s death. What no one expected was that the answer would be no. Kim had married an older man early on. She was half his age when they married in her 21st year of life. She and I had been close as kids, we’re 4.5 years apart, but our dad died when I was 14 and she was 9, so that made us closer than other kids with the same span between them. In some ways, I had thought of her and been protective of her as a mother would. By the end of that week, we would be driving across state, going to a *very* private memorial, and saying goodbye. I don’t deal with funerals well. I may do dissections frequently as a biologist and not think twice about it, but dead people freak me out. Seeing my little sis there literally took my breath away. Hearing the comments of “She looks so good” made me gag. Fewer than thirty people were allowed in to pay their respects, but my in-laws and another surrogate that was local to Kim and had known both of us came for me. Daddy and Papa sent flowers. My dear friend Kristina, who had watched Kenny when I was in labor sent cards compulsively. At my prospectus defense, ten days after Kim’s death, one of my advisors gave me a card. Towards the end of August, when the date of our big trip came up, I was informed of a second memorial for Kim. This would be the larger service, with the cousins, and extended family. This would be not the stiff pastor speaking of some other Kim, but family sharing and crying and eating, with no preserved body and a pillow carefully hiding a missing occipital bone. It was to be the same day that we would be with the new family. Again, I was separated from our family; so instead, I celebrated with “my family” by going to an outdoor concert with Daddy, Papa, and their little girl. There was music, and outdoors, and food, and love- and that was my memorial for her. To say the healing process was hard would be an understatement. We walked as a family, me, Dwight, Kenny, my mom, and her husband, in an Out of the Darkness walk in Cleveland in October. We had t-shirts printed with an image of Kim with fairy wings that I had put together. Most days, I was able to drag myself out of bed. Oddly, when I read my teaching reviews for that term, my students praised me; I laughed at how well I had managed to fool them into thinking that I wasn’t falling apart. I went to grief counseling. I still sit here, nearly ten months later, in tears as I type. Grieving is not something that gets easier with practice; I should know, I’ve done this before. And, by a huge twist of fate, my commencement and hooding this summer falls on her birthday, and just after the one-year anniversary of her death. A part of me sees her laughing somewhere over this fact, probably with our dad. She always was the drama queen, and wanted to be the center of attention. Well, this year her birthday will be for both of us. This is my payback for all the years of having to share my birthday with her half birthday. I’d take back every mean thing I said just to share a birthday with you again.

Mother’s Day

By: Kelly Rummelhart

Here I am. My first Mother’s Day as a single mom. So far, so good. Yesterday the kids and I went with my surro-best friend and her family to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom and today we are hanging out at the house until we join another friend and her family for an impromptu swim party.

All of my children made me a sweet Mother’s Day Card and the two youngest brought home items they created for me at school. My oldest was concerned about getting me something, so I told her I’d buy myself something that I wanted and she could say it was from her. She loved the idea- and I love the new hat she got me. I loved all my cards and gifts from the kids, just like every year. But more so, I love the TIME I have with my children.

One of the things I have learned in my new reality of single mom who has to share custody is not to take my kids for granted. For years I have had control and have been able to be with my children everyday. Now, with my ex deciding to leave our family, I am limited to the time I have with them. It has really made me change my thought process: quality, not quantity. In the last five months I have tried to make sure the time the kids are with me is not wasted. Knowing that I won’t have them on Wednesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend has really made me change the way I spend time with them. It’s actually a positive that has come out of this whole ordeal.

I love my children with all my heart and being.  A mother has been the most challenging and rewarding job I’ve ever had- I wouldn’t trade it for the world. With all this being said, I guess I should stop blogging and go hang out with my kiddos! So Happy Mother’s Day to all.

Are We Actually Capable?

By: Kerrie Olejarz

During our pregnancy we had people tell us that they would “help” us when we got home, that we would indeed need help.  I took this personally, as in “you are not carrying the baby so how can you care for it?”  Maybe taking it personally was my own insecurities and emotional challenges, but, regardless, I was quite fed up of being told we would most definitely need help.  I could understand these comments if we were expecting multiples, but we had a singleton pregnancy!  As we did it all on our own, with our simpleton minds and lack of uterine ability, in India we were proud and enjoyed every moment of it…then we came home. Despite the fact that we had spent four weeks alone in India and brought home a healthy and unscathed baby, we were still considered by some unable to do the task.  It was infuriating to me, and I know all new parents get unwanted advice, but for me, I waited and suffered 15 years, watching all my friends rear and raise perfectly healthy and normal children; therefore, I could do it.  The onslaught was like a machine gun, firing at full throttle.  It was emotionally exhausting, and to this day I am angry that I had been treated like a preteen mom who could not grasp the common sense of caring for a newborn.  Of course I have wonderful friends who I could lean on for advice, or to swap experiences with, and these are the friends that did not bombard me with advice -harsh “you must do this” advice.  The worst of it came from Mark’s side of the family, and at some point I assumed it was a cultural thing, and after many times addressing it and being ignored I threw in the towel.  I think in their minds they were doing it for the good of us and Cailyn, yet my emotionally damaged brain and heart were in complete and utter chaos.  How do you politely tell someone to stay the fuck out of your business when it comes to your child?  Thankfully this phase is over and we are on to a whole new phase, but this one is easier to deal with.  I think as new parents we should all have the right to do what we think is best for our baby, our child.  Before we had Cailyn, I never told people what to do with their children, and I would never bombard them with a flurry of “you are doing this wrong” crap!  If a parent chooses to discuss child raising issues with me, I feel this is an opportunity to have a civilized conversation and hopefully spitball some ideas and most importantly, walk away having learned something, or at least understanding where s/he is coming from.   I hope that our parenting skills have proven that we are indeed capable of doing this, despite having a faulty uterus.  I guess when baby number two comes along we will find out!  And to answer the title of this post; for DAMN sure we are!

Interview with Lisa Regula Meyer

Interview with Lisa Regula Meyer for The Next Family

 

TNF: How has it been blogging for TNF? 

It’s been great.  I love reading all the different perspectives here, and all the types of families.  I especially enjoy seeing the common themes across all families (“Am I doing the right thing?”  “My kid isamazing!”  “How do I explain this to a child?”  “Parenting is hardwork!”  those sorts of minutiae), and how those themes are interpreted through different lenses (adoption, surrogacy, same sex parents, single parents, etc.).  And let’s be honest- writing about something besides invasive plants and native amphibians is a great distraction from my dissertation, even if my advisor disapproves.

TNF: How is your family like every other family and how is it different?

We’re the same as every other family in that we love each other, even if we do sometimes struggle.  We have to juggle work, house work, social life, school, community work, extended family, and much more. We’re our own best support system, and know we can count on each other.  But, like every other family we have our own unique variation of life.  I’ve heard that most kids don’t attend professional conferences for vacation.  And I’ve heard a rumor that it’s not normal for a six-year-old to know more about TARDISes and Daleks than s/he does about sports.  I guess our main difference is our extreme collective geekiness.

TNF: Did your family accept you and your lifestyle? If yes, explain and if not, explain what you have done to help them to accept your decisions and your lifestyle.

Eh, some members of the family accept various parts of our life more than others.  I don’t think that there’s anybody in either Dwight’s or my family that 100% agrees with how we live and the choices we make, but for the most part, the differences are in the details, not the broad picture.  Some family members aren’t fond of surrogacy and/or our closeness with the LGBTQ community, others dislike our activism. A few family members disagree with our choice to pursue higher education, and some just wish we didn’t live where we do (usually wishing we lived closer).  But if we all agreed on everything, life would be dull as all get out.

TNF: How do you juggle the work at home with your jobs?

Hahaha!  I’ll let you know that answer when I figure it out, probably sometime after I conquer the mass of clothes to fold.  I don’t tend to balance things, more often than not there’s one area of life that gets lots of attention, while the rest is ignored.  And then something that was being ignored gets all the attention, while everything else is ignored.  And the cycle continues…

TNF: What lessons do you feel are the most important to teach children in this day and age? Are there any lessons they, or perhaps we as parents should unlearn?

Most important: There but for fortune, go you or I.  Don’t hold someone else’s situation against them, because you could find yourself in a similar situation someday, and then you’ll need others to be understanding and supportive, as you’ve been in the past.  Practice not sympathy, but empathy.  Lesson to unlearn: Judging others.  We’re all in this life together, and we can choose to either be a positive influence or a negative influence, and prejudice, discrimination, all the “-isms” preclude our being a positive influence on the world.

TNF: Any words of wisdom to pass on to our readers?

Look past direct effects.  Yes, they’re easier to understand, but they’re less interesting and don’t show the whole picture.  And you can do a lot if you just set the bar low enough.  Either do a few things well, or try a bunch of stuff.

TNF: Anything you want our readers to know about you or your family?

Know that I’m not trying to be a jerk or insult anyone ever, I just don’t often have the right words.  And I’m about as blunt as a club. But I do care- a lot.  So feel free to call me out when I screw up getting the point across.  I’m a work in progress.

 

Inside Joke

By: Kelly Rummelhart

One of the things that is so awesome about knowing other surrogates is that only they will understand the things that you’ve gone through. A friend of mine, with the help of several other surrogates, has created an awesome page on Tumblr that shares several surro-experiences.

We tried to use people who we consider sexy . . . various races, ages, genders, etc.
Some are funny, regardless if you’ve carried a baby for someone else, but most you’d only truly get if you were ever a gestational surrogate.

I give you Hey Girl Surrogacy . . . enjoy!

Hey Girl Surrogacy

Sharing a Little Wisdom

By: Kerrie Olejarz

 

After having been home for a while we started to be pleasantly bombarded with enquiries from local couples looking to see if this was indeed real.  We spent our weekends proudly showing off our baby, meeting perfect strangers for coffee, brunch, and inviting them into our home.  It was a true pleasure to share our success with these hopeful infertiles.   We were more than happy to give a glowing recommendation of the clinic and Dr Shivani, after all we had been through, it was a pleasure.  Besides these couples seeing our success and checking out if it was indeed real, the constant end to our visits was always the question “was it hard to get the baby out of the country?”

This leads me into this week’s blog post, as I think it is important to share our knowledge based on our experience.  As Canadians, we knew that it would take approximately four weeks to take all the necessary steps to bring our baby home.  Knowing an approximate timeline in advance of baby pick up is critical!  We highly suggest that you reach out to others from your own country to find out how their experience was, how long it took, and what would they recommend changing to improve or expedite the process.  We often read blog posts and forum updates of new parents who are frustrated with the going home process, and this is unfortunate.  Because the joy of the experience is lost if it is spent in a flurry of frustration and anger.  When in India, you are on Indian time.  The critical services that you will require may not work at the speed you expect; there are also a million public holidays in India which can also slow down the exit process, and also remember that holidays at home can put a damper on your ideal time line.  BUT if you are prepared for this, and plan for this, the experience can and will be wonderful.  Your clinic or doctor’s team should have an exit package ready for you.  When you receive it, review it carefully; look for correct spelling of names, correct dates, and check for accuracy as best you can.  Your clinic will put their best effort into preparing it, and will be accommodating in fixing any errors, this may just take a day or two extra.  If your clinic offers a lawyer or liaison at a charge, we recommend you use it.  Pay the cost and enjoy the experience.  Dr Shivani offered up an immigration liaison, and although the cost was not cheap, the process was a breeze and we would not change a thing about it!  There were additional costs to consider as well at the end so be prepared!  We ended up paying for our surrogate’s c-section and her hospital stay, as expected.  Also, we paid for Cailyn’s hospital stay, photos for our DNA procedure, handling fees at all government offices etc.  Our full cost breakdown can be found here:  http://surrogacy.ca/intendedparents/markkerrie.html.  Picking up your baby should be a joyful experience, and I know that babies born early requiring NICU services add an extra challenge to this and also a financial burden.  We all know going into this program that there are potential costs at the end and we would be stupid to firstly have not asked for a price list and secondly, have not prepared ourselves for these costs.  The final cost that may impact your budget is changing your flights home.  More than likely you will have to change your return flight, and also get your baby a ticket.  For us, we were able to change our flight home saving us 5 extra days in India, and adding on our baby at a cost of $1000.00, worth every penny!  Best advice is to be prepared to go with the flow, know that the monsoon rains may make you three hours late for a government appointment and most importantly, learn to laugh at the absurdity of the chaos!  You will get home and when you do, the stress of the exit process is soon forgotten!

Of Hope and Humanity, Part One

By: Lisa Regula Meyer

Nearly four weeks after the birth of my second surrogate child, I had a phone call from my mother’s cell phone. It was a Monday morning, and I was trying to get a crazy five-year-old ready for school on just a few hours of sleep. Normally in surrogacy, the time after giving birth is a reprieve. You’ve gestated another human for the past approximately 40 weeks, and now you get to rest. We surrogates sleep gloriously flat on our backs or stomachs while someone else feeds, changes, burps, and changes again a tiny infant. We have six weeks off of work to recover, and the freedom of not having to parent the child we birthed. That is, unless you’re a slow learner like me. The first time Mom called, I was busy pumping. After both of my surrogacies, I pumped and donated milk. The first time, to Mother’s Milk Bank of Ohio, the second time to the little girl herself, with some extra going to mamas in need on Human Milk for Human Babies. I couldn’t get to the phone because of the double electric breast pump that I had just gotten hooked up to, and that looked and sounded like a milking machine for cows. Mom called a couple more times to my cell phone, and then to my husband’s. By the time she called Dwight, he was available to pick up, so he did. Early in my second surrogacy, I had discussed the issue of milk and feeding with my Ifs. They jumped. One of them is European, and both are very health-conscious. They very much wanted to give their child the best start possible, from picking a healthy surrogate with similar priorities as they, to organic bedding for the crib. Included in that spectrum was feeding with human milk, as much and as long as they could. On that, we agreed. My son was nursed for nearly two years, and I strongly believe in not “breast is best” but “breast is normal.” Some have accused me of being a lactivist (although those accusations usually come from self- identified lactivists). It’s just something I believe in as supported by science to be beneficial and evolutionarily normal to both women and babies. So we decided that I would pump and ship for them as long as I could. My goal was six months. Dwight brought me the phone, and told me that I needed to talk to Mom and her husband. That my sister had died. She had shot herself the night before, after yet another fight with her husband. That Mom and Dusty were driving up from Florida as we spoke. I took the phone, and have no memory of how the rest of the day went, other than that I pumped. And I think I cried. In the hospital after giving birth, the night feedings were my duty. The munchkin stayed with her daddies all day, and a good part of the time we all spent together. Nights, she went to the nursery, so that the guys could take advantage of a last couple of nights of decent sleep, and ease into parenting. For night feedings when she woke up, the nurses brought her to my room. We had spoken about it about mid-way, and decided that to ensure the best start to my supply that we could, I would nurse some as well as pump while we were all together. Anyone who’s nursed knows how critical those first few days are for supply, and how poorly pumps mimic a baby. Those moments alone, just the two of us, with a common goal of filling a tiny tummy efficiently and getting back to bed, were extremely helpful. We said our well-wishes to each other, their little girl and I. It was fumbly and awkward, because that’s what nursing is at first, but it was our time. We were working together for the betterment of both of us. In those painful, empty, lonely, few weeks after Kim’s death, when I should have still been on maternity leave and resting, pumping oddly gave me a respite. I had a focus, a purpose that needed to be fulfilled. There was someone depending on me, and I couldn’t let them down. I had to stay strong. Focus and determination had gotten me through quite a lot in my day, and itwould get me through this as well. Right?

Ahhhhh, They Love Me!

By: Kelly Rummelhart

We’ve made it to 25 weeks and to celebrate, my awesome IPs sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and some chocolates. It totally made my entire weekend!

Time is flying by this pregnancy. Before I know it I will be placing their little man in their arms . . . brand new parents. They are getting really excited and plans for a baby shower are being laid out. Of course, I can’t make it to Australia for it but we have discussed me Skyping into it so everyone can see the belly and meet the person who is caring for their child while he is developing.

Regarding our progress in this pregnancy, everything is measuring perfectly and little man is doing great. He is moving around a lot and some of the kicks can be seen from outside the belly now. I did end up changing not only my OB but also the hospital we’ll be delivering at. My OB had decided to move to Southern California, so I took the opportunity to switch back to a Sacramento-area hospital. I am excited to meet the new OB; I have heard good things about him.

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