We’re Getting Married

By: Brandy Black

The wondrous age of four in which imagination runs wild and the world is a place where anything can happen.  Our daughter plans on sprouting wings, learning to fly, and becoming a fairy when she grows up.  She flits around the house with a new perspective as the days pass.  She believes that there is a tiny person named Siri in my phone that tells me what to do and where to go when my nails are getting sharp and it’s time for a manicure.

We got a robot last week, the Roomba. I knew this would be fun for her.  It rolls around sucking the dust off the ground, it might be my favorite toy yet.  Sophia named him Plex.  She asks about Plex each morning, where he is, what he’s doing, when he’s coming out to clean the house.  She follows him from room to room laughing and telling me when he gets stuck or bumps into walls.  I envy her innocence.

Some things in life require less innocence and rather an open heart.  Lately I’ve been noticing the kids add two moms or two dads into their game of house at school; a mom from Sophia’s preschool was telling me how nice it is that it doesn’t faze her children that their friends have same sex parents.  Why, even our President has decided to stand up for our right to wed.

The other day on the way home from school Sophia announced that she and her best friend Stacey are getting married and that their friends Johnny and Larry are getting married to each other too.  She told me that boys couldn’t have babies so she and Stacey will be having one for them.  I then did possibly the worst job explaining why their plan is slightly flawed.

“Well two girls, I mean women, can’t have a baby either. It takes a man and a woman.”

Right about now I was wishing Susan were there to fuck this up with me.

“What?” Sophia says with wide eyes.

Pause.

“You and Mom had babies.”

“Yes I know but we had a donor.”

“What?”

“Well it takes a sperm and an egg to have a baby and the little sperm meets the egg and they create a baby. A man has sperm and a woman has an egg.”

“Oh. So we need another girl to have a baby?  Three girls.”

“No, you need a man and a woman.  So if you and Stacey want to get married and Larry and Johnny want to get married, the best way to execute your plan would be to get sperm from Johnny or Larry and use either yours or Stacey’s eggs and than you can make a baby.”

Oh my God Oh my God, was I still talking?   What a mess.  I looked back at her to see if she was following and she said:

“Mama?  You know what I’m thinking about?”

“What?”

“Plex.”

“Of course.”

*I have changed the names of the children in this blog

Au Pair

By: Brandy Black

I found out that another couple at our preschool with a singleton kid found out they are having twins.  I heard this through the grapevine.  I remember very clearly the feelings of utter fear that came when we found out.  We were in disbelief.  A friend gave the only advice that I could relate to: “the universe is listening.”  All I could hold on to was that somehow, some way, this would all be right one day.

I rapidly began to make my plans but the best of them all was signing up for an au pair.  We struggled with this decision.  Susan was still trying to convince me not to do until the final hour.  I couldn’t believe I was pushing us.  I, remember, am an only child, the one that loves space, the one that despises random drop-by’s, the one that thinks she may feel crowded by her own family.   How could I possibly think I would be ok with a total stranger in our home? I did my research, I talked to a few acquaintances about their experiences, and the bottom line was this was our only option if we were going to try to make this new life of ours work.

After interviewing several people through Cultural Care Au Pair, we met our match.  She is a nurse from Venezuela and we both just knew in our hearts she was the right fit for our family.  Weeks later there she was standing in our living room suitcase in hand.  The first few weeks were strange.  It’s an awkward adjustment.  But now 3 months later it feels like she’s been here forever. All the fears we had were quickly put to rest.  Susan swears we will have an au pair until the kids go off to college.  It is so comforting knowing that your children are in good, kind, loving hands. Our house remains clean and organized, the diaper bags are always stocked, she gives us reminders for ordering diapers, wipes, and all the baby essentials, she helps with the grocery lists and shopping.  Our family desperately needed her and I’m so grateful to have her here. There are many things that I would advise for a large family but this one is a must.

A Big Family

By: Brandy Black

I come from a family of three. I have no siblings. I’ve always wondered what that life would be like. My wife has a brother and sister. One of the first times I hung out with all of them together Susan and I were sitting on a bed and her sister plopped next to us, then her brother jumped on and I was feeling a bit crowded and legs were touching me and I wasn’t sure what to make of it and then her sister’s kids hopped on and suddenly the entire family was on the tiny little pull-out bed. I had a small anxiety attack trying to keep my cool, feeling completely claustrophobic. It was foreign to me. My friend Troy, also an only child, describes big family households as “always smelling like syrup.” Growing up it was never the kids that took over my house, it was the grown ups. I didn’t know anything else unless my cousins came to visit and I guess I liked it that way. So when I was pregnant, coming into THREE children, I kept thinking of that “bed” incident or the times when I go out to dinner with big families and everyone is eating off each other’s plates; I never understood that. I worried that my own family was going to crowd me. I was sure that I would need to escape from my house for solace. This is why I fought Susan so hard to sell our house in a down market in search of something bigger and perhaps with a corner I could crawl into should my family overtake me.

This morning I woke with three kids in my bed. No part of that bed felt my own, all my kids wrapped into me and I loved it. It felt safe and comfortable and what a Saturday morning should be. I realized that even though I don’t care for pancakes, I love the smell of syrup. Don’t get me wrong, our children will sleep in their own beds and I don’t want them draped all over me all the time but I quite like the way family feels. I like that when no one else in the world can get that close without throwing me into a tailspin my family can. As I get older and especially as I watch my children grow I realize that I am a guarded person and there are few I let into my world. I’ve always been this way. My close friends have become my family; I would do anything for the ones I love. I pride myself on being a protector of all that’s mine. I am loyal to my friends and will be for life because they have given me the gift of a brotherhood and sisterhood that I never had. I adore that my children have this built into their own family. I feel so lucky that now at 39 years old I do too.

Am I Crumbling?

By: Brandy Black

I made it through my first two weeks of work after maternity leave.  Susan even got me flowers congratulating me on what felt like the hardest weeks of my life.  I juggle well. I always have, I like to have a million things going on.  But this has surpassed the challenge that I suspected it to be.  I’m spent. Overwhelmed. Missing.  Lacking. Aching. Worried. Exhausted.  I miss the weight of my children on my chest.  I miss their cries and babbles.  I miss my oldest. I hate pumping.

I’m trying to keep it all together.  It’s not an option to fall apart.  The worst of it though is my lack of patience and newly found temper with my four-year-old daughter.  Suddenly, I forget to take a deep breath and count to ten before reacting to her high-pitched voice or whining.  It is the terrible combination of her jealousy and feeling of neglect and my exhaustion and feeling completely overwhelmed.  The other night she was yelling at the top of her lungs for no good reason and I asked her to stop. She kept yelling.  I asked her again. And then I did a terrible thing or it felt like a terrible thing as I was doing it.  I told her that if she kept screaming I would take her stuffed animals one by one until she stopped. She kept screaming so I began violently throwing her stuffed animals in the hallway.  I was so furious I didn’t stop until she sat silent with tears running down her face.  We made up and of course two days later her animals were back in her room having tea parties again.  Am I a sucker?

I’m at my breaking point.  She’s at hers.  She’s over the babies, she wants them to “go to our old house and stay there.” I understand her frustration.  I worry about her little heart every day.  When I’m feeding the babies at 4AM, I think of her and how hard this is on her but each morning I wake up and expect her to rise to the occasion, to be a big girl, to be a good big sister and to act her age, which I desperately need.  By the time I leave for work I’m discouraged all over again that she has literally taken 2 steps back, asking to be carried, wanting to be fed, not wanting to be helpful.  And when I come home from work I remember how hard this is for her, how I need to be patient because this is a huge change. It’s a vicious cycle. I need advice.  Am I expecting too much?  Or do I stick with it and she will eventually step up?  I am the same amount of strict as I was before the babies but somehow I have to enforce far more often than I prefer.

I’m all over the place and trying to be everything to everyone.  I realize aiming to be a “perfect” mom is out of the question at this point.  I was schooled to give that up when I got pregnant with twins but I’d love to be a good mom, a present mom, an alert mom, a patient mom, and a mom that isn’t relieved when the kids go to sleep because tonight, don’t tell anyone, I am.

PS- Happy Birthday Mom!  I love you so very much and am so lucky to have your love and support.

Twins

By: Brandy Black

I’ll admit it.  I never understood twins.  I never understood parents of twins with their “twin” theories.  I knew identical twins growing up, Katie and Kristy, I could never tell them apart and they always dressed alike and I thought it was weird.  They seemed to be each other’s best friend and their sister was always on the outside of their world.  I felt bad for her. I felt bad for Sophia when I found out we were having twins.  I worried that she would not feel included by “the twins.” I was tired of people telling me how special twins are and how lucky I was.  If you remember I was a little freaked out about the notion of having 3 kids in the first place so “double trouble” added fuel to my fire.

When Penn and Bella were born I learned almost immediately what is so extraordinary about twins.  The first night in the hospital Penn began crying, he’d been fed, changed, burped, I couldn’t figure it out until I put him next to Bella and he went silent.  He would move into her as much as his body could and still does.  He searches for her in a room and is content when she’s by his side.  I put them next to one another as often as possible simply because they are happier that way.  They are bonded in a way that I will never understand.  When Bella cries Penn will cry too in the same rhythm almost as to make her voice louder.  When she scratches and kicks him he takes it, finding comfort in feeling her by his side. They aren’t bothered by arms and legs overlapping, they are often intertwined.  Their closeness is gorgeous and now I get it.  I hope they are lucky enough to love and protect one another the way they do now.  They will never be lonely.

I thought I would feel on the outside of that special connection but I am amazed and blessed and relieved that they will have each other.  It comforts me to know that all three of my children will have one another.  Today my oldest, Sophia, held Bella’s hand on the car ride home.  When Sophia walks in Bella stops and turns her head, she babbles out “Sophia”, she smiles when she is near.  I envy what they will all get from one another and will never regret the decisions we’ve made.   It has been worth it, having kids, having THREE kids, having twins, it’s been a miracle that I could not have predicted or even planned but has changed my life for the absolute best.

 

Going Back to Work After Maternity Leave

By: Brandy Black

I bought a suit.  By the time you read this it will be my first day back at work. It’s no easy task leaving your 4-month-old babies.  Hell I have a hard enough time going shopping for a couple hours.  When I went back to work after having Sophia I would lock myself in the office and sob as I pumped.  I wanted so badly to get in my car and race home but I knew I had to provide for my family.  It was a tough adjustment. I finally got used to it when Sophia was about 6 months old and then we had an earthquake while I was in a high-rise building.  I grabbed the guy in the office across from me (that I barely knew) and held on to him for dear life screaming “my baby, my baby.” When I was sure it was over I packed up my computer and hiked down 34 flights of stairs in heels and a skirt.  It was one of the scariest days of my life.  I fiercely protect and care for the ones I love and to be so helpless was terrifying.

Now I face those fears again, leaving my babies, wondering how I will juggle more than I already have on my plate.  My wife Susan who is my champion, who believes in me and knows that I can and will do whatever I put my mind to, has been repeatedly asking me how I’m going to do it, how I will possibly add work to this crazy busy life of ours.  Truth be told, her lack of confidence has got me the most worried.  Maybe she’s right.  Maybe this is the point that I will crumble.  I took a call tonight with a colleague to prep and discuss some upcoming work and when I came out Sophia hadn’t been given dinner, the babies weren’t swaddled and in bed at their regular hour, and everything was as it was before I took my 60 minute call.  My perfectly crafted plan of dinner at 6:00, kids in bed by 7:00, was quickly abandoned when I wasn’t there.  Is this just the beginning of total chaos?  I’ve been told I should embrace chaos, that I should learn to live in it and manage through it.  I guess this is a lesson I’ve been fated to learn but I find myself fighting it every day.

I wake at 4AM and wonder how I’m going to make it through the next few months.  So here I go this Monday morning, stepping into yet another role in my life, dressing up, driving myself to work and pretending I’m not totally lost without my kids by my side. Wish me luck. I know a lot of you have been here before.

Top Ten Ways to Make a Non-Birth Parent Feel Needed

By: Susan Howard (Brandy Black’s wife)

 

 

1. Routinely leave your spouse with a fed baby for two hours alone. Go out and get your nails done.
2. Everyday tell your partner one great thing that they are doing right.
3. Come up with tasks that are only theirs, such as bathing, bedtime stories, swaddling, etc.
4. Give your spouse a night out with friends.
5. Book a date night, letting them know that they are your priority and try to not obsessively talk about the kids.
6. Create a schedule so everybody knows what is happening in the baby’s routine.
7. Be sure to have your spouse feed the baby.
8. Sign your spouse up  for a parent and me class in music, yoga or hikes.
9. If you have an issue with a parenting style first compliment your partner on the things you love that they do and then bring up your concern.
10.  Quit your bitching, we are tired too.

Stay out of the Doghouse: Top Ten Bits of Advice From a Birth Mother

By: Brandy Black

1. When you walk in the door offer to pick up the baby and if she refuses it ask if there is anything you can do to help, understanding that she is exhausted and wants to know that you are there for her.
2. Make her nap and if she tells you she’s not tired, make her lie in bed for one hour.  She will fall asleep.
3. No matter how insane she sounds; never tell her she’s crazy.   She already knows this.
4. When she is about to get angry or cry for no reason, stop everything and hug -or better yet, kiss- her.  She might fight this but I guarantee you if you do it right she will melt in your arms.  She may still cry but it will be for all of the right reasons.
5. Don’t ask questions.  Figure it out.  Phone a friend if you need to.
6. Buy her something that makes her feel sexy.  My vote is lingerie.
7. Have sex. When having an orgasm a powerful hormone called oxytocin is released, it’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close, it is known as the cuddle drug. The theory is that the more sex a couple has the deeper their bond becomes.  This will be tricky because the last thing a woman wants is sex after birthing children.  So wait -but not too long- and don’t just pounce on her, tease her, make it sexy and if you are good she’ll think it was her idea all along.
8. Tell her you love her everyday.
9. Text her.  Call her. Bring her coffee. Make her feel like a lover not a mother.
10. Make her laugh. Laughter heals everything in time.

Three Kids Won’t Stop Me

By: Brandy Black

I’ve done my best to transcend labels.  I’ve had a lot of reason to be labeled.  I had a childhood of many moves and (some might say) hippie parents.  I was an actor, I came out, I joined the corporate world, I became a mother, and I have now become a mother of three!  All of these things have shaped me and made me the person that I am but not one particular thing has defined me.  I’m careful to remember every road along the way so that I’m not just one type of person but many shades of me.  I say this because when I found out I was pregnant with twins I resigned that I may not be able to avoid the labels anymore.  When you have that many kids how do people not stop and say “there goes that woman with three kids!” How could I not succumb to all that I believe that label entails? I envisioned life without vacations, constant chaos, family size bags of potato chips, and tiny screaming voices throughout my house.  I didn’t know how I could overcome this and still have balance.  I remember driving to work in my first trimester, nauseous and wondering if I would ever have any freedom again.

It’s no secret that we’ve been struggling over here.  Susan and I have hit many bumps along the way and it’s certainly not easy having three kids.  But lately I’m finding that I’m still me and although people think I’m crazy, I still push myself to do things that make me feel like me.  We started date night every Wednesday and although I’m sometimes so tired I can barely get dressed up for my date, I do. I grab a decaf mocha and off we go just because we both desperately need to remember who we are.

As if that weren’t exhausting enough, I recently decided that we were going away for one night to Ojai Valley Inn and Spa.  I planned for the au pair and Godparents to take care of Sophia and we would take the twins because I’m still nursing every 3 hours.  I spent a few weeks getting this all organized and the day before we left Susan called to book me a massage and the receptionist told her there was no reservation under Brandy Black, “try Susan Howard”, nope no reservation under that name either.  Guess what?  I did everything but make a reservation for our one-night getaway.  Yep, I’m that tired, what was I thinking making us do this anyway!  I called them and fortunately begged my way into a last-minute room but as I was packing up on Saturday, tired from a sleepless night on Friday, I thought what the hell is wrong with me?  It was exhausting just packing everything for ONE night!  We jumped in the car and I told Susan that people were right, we are crazy.

But once we got to the resort and I sat in the Jacuzzi waiting for my 50-minute massage I realized 24 hours away was exactly what I needed.  We ate a three-hour meal and the kids slept the whole way through it and even though much of our Sunday was spent trading off with the kids while the other worked out and went to the spa, it was worth it.  We came home rested and rejuvenated.

So I realize, some may think I’m crazy and I probably am but I have to be me, the same me that rallies for fun no matter the cost.  Who knows how long I’ll be able to keep this up and I’m sure I’ll keep you posted, but for now I say take that trip even if you think you shouldn’t.  We’re off to Vegas in two weeks.  I’ll let you know how that one turns out.

Stop Telling Me I’m Crazy

By: Brandy Black

I knew I was hormonal when I began the fertility drugs, I knew it was worse when I got pregnant but now that I have had these babies and am nursing, it’s as bad as ever. I remember this very clearly from the first time around with my daughter Sophia. I would begin crying for no particular reason and was not able to stop myself. It is now a familiar feeling when my blood begins to boil and I get so frustrated (over the tiniest of things) that my face literally gets red and I could throw things through windows. But you know what gets me the most riled up, what angers me beyond belief? When my wife tells me I’m crazy. A word of advice to the dads and non-birth mothers: don’t ever tell your spouse she is insane or losing it because we already know. I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together through the sleepless nights and the nursing schedule and the sometimes lonely days. I actually convince myself that I’m doing well, I’ve got it under control and I’m super mom until I’m reminded that I’m not the same sane Brandy Black that my wife once knew.

Let me explain why this hurts so much. I want desperately to be that girl again with a balanced life. When you have babies there is none of that. I go out with friends, it’s quick and with time limitations and there are jokes of pump and dump and I don’t quite feel myself because a part of me is always missing when my babies aren’t with me by my side. I feel outside of myself and often completely out of the loop. I’m so tired that it’s all I can do to keep up the façade of a regular person. Some advice to stay home and not push myself with social outings but honestly I need them to keep me sane even if I feel like an alien when I actually get out the door. I love to get dressed up, wear cute jeans and heels, but once I’m out I feel like I’m fooling myself into thinking that I’m the person I used to be, like everyone must look at me and know that I’m a mother of three and should be at home feeding my babies rather than out among the cool people.

I understand it’s all in my head but it’s very real to me. I know this too shall pass. I remember when it did with Sophia and it was incredible to feel like me again, me with a much more interesting life to share. I was able to rid myself of guilt for leaving the house and actually enjoy time out with friends. But now, I wait, loving my children and knowing that “my” time will come again. But through this internal struggle I need to know that my significant other “gets it”, that she, no matter how batty I am, will understand how tough this part is and remind me that somewhere deep inside I’m still that fun, balanced, smart, interesting person that she once knew and was attracted to.

So a special thanks to those friends who have stuck in there with me in this muddled period in my life, that have called to go to drinks and not assumed that a mother of three has no time. There should always be time to be reminded of how much I am loved and how many friends I adore. I need you more than you probably know. I promise I won’t throw plates and if I do maybe you should just join in the fun, there are few times in life you can actually get away with total insanity.

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