Here it is, only the second week of the New Year and nothing has changed, resolution-wise, from years prior. Except that my list of resolutions is on my iPhone.
I have always been pretty hard on myself, seldom satisfied with who I am, looking to change, improve. So the start of each year for me means an exhausting period of self-analysis and criticism. But I’m beginning to realize that constantly claiming that one is too hard on one’s self probably means by definition that one is not hard on one’s self at all and is really just a big f-ing lazy fraud.
And the fact is, my resolutions are in total conflict.
Not only do I have a list as long as my arm, but one of them is to *Be less list-y.
Some are super-specific – *Get Leo to school on time.
Others, pretty general – *Be nice to Peter.
(Ha! I barked at him at 8am on 1/1, probably because he said good morning! with his cheerful happy loving face. Blech. And because the realization that I had already blown one of the most sacred of my resolutions before even opening my eyes to 2010 depressed me so much, I barked even more because who gives a shit now? About any of it! Might as well cross out resolutions 2, 5, 9, and 16 while I’m at it, and, instead, skip spinning, eat an EggMcMuffin, and take a morning nap.)
There has always been the diet/weight/nutrition/exercise/total body health category on my list. When I was 22 I had some along the lines of *Become a vegan! and *Run as many 10ks as possible.
After Leo was born it was *Lose those last 5 pounds. (That number keeps creeping up.)
Next year it will probably be *Eat at least one vegetable in 2011 and *Refrain from taste-testing the crusted-over ice cream that landed on your shirt the night before.
Now I have added (in an effort to save money, be a better mom, be a better wife) *Cook at home! And I really have; I have cooked more in the last 2 weeks than in all of 2009. But it’s been enchiladas one night and steak another (huh? It was on sale at Whole Foods –an oxymoron -and I couldn’t pass it up), so needless to say, the weight is just falling off of me.
There is always at least one resolution (especially since Leo came along) in the genre of cutting myself some slack and just loving me for me. Slow down. Breathe. No mother is perfect. This year it is *Enjoy these times.
But directly below that is *Stop spending and save more (yeah, that’s enjoyable).
Knowing I suck at keeping any of these promises to myself, I tried a new approach this year: I added after each one the name of a friend or family member who exemplifies the desired behavior. A model, if you will. My inspiration. A shout-out to Brandy, Julie, Audrey, Maria, and Kelsi, who are named multiple times.
I included a few that I look forward to, like *Learn to knit. For Christmas I asked for knitting classes and all the stuff I’d need to get started. Peter hooked me up.
Really, I should just try to be more like my husband, who never has a mean word for me, laughs all the time, provides a seemingly bottomless well of patience, love, and energy to our son, is kind to his in-laws (number 7), always gets Leo to school early, and would never, ever waste his time writing up a stupid New Year’s Resolutions list.