By: Joe Newman
Two-year-old Jacob is charming but needs constant attention. The parents are taking turns following him around. Jacob is curious about a dish of olives and his father puts one in his mouth. Jacob doesn’t like it and spits it back into his father’s hand. Now the toddler decides the olives must go. He climbs onto the coffee table and grabs the bowl of olives. The father catches the bowl before Jacob can throw it and asks, “What do you want to do?”
The toddler ignores his father and tries to pull the bowl from his father’s hand. The father says, “No thank you, we don’t throw olives.”
But the toddler is unfazed. “No Daddy, no Daddy” he says, while trying to pry his father’s fingers off the olive bowl. During the next ten minutes the toddler keeps coming back to try and grab the olives. Sometimes he gets his hand on an olive and throws one before a parent can stop him.
They explain to him not to do it. They try to distract him with other things, but at no time do they firmly say “no” or give him any kind of consequence for ignoring their directions. I got the impression that if the father had been fast enough to catch olives thrown in every direction without letting any hit the floor he would have let his son throw them.
A few minutes later Jacob decides he wants to play the dog like a drum, banging his hands against its back. Fortunately, the dog remains good-natured and ignores the mild beating. “It’s not okay to use the dog as a drum. Do you need to bang on your drum?” the father asks, then brings out a drum and gives it to him. The toddler ignores the drum. A bit later Jacob decides it’s funny to pull the dog’s tail. After the parents have told him several times “No thank you. We don’t pull the dog’s tail,” the mother tells the boy, “I want you to say you’re sorry to the dog.” After repeated prodding, the boy says to the dog, “You’re sorry.” Having the toddler apologize to the dog means about as much to the toddler as it does to the dog.
Before I leave, the mother asks me if I want to watch Jacob play his piano. I stand in his playroom for almost ten minutes while he happily bangs on a toddler-sized piano. It is apparent that the mother feels that she, and maybe I, should stay, listen, and appear fascinated by his happy banging as long as Jacob wants us to.
I share this anecdote not because it’s an example of bad parenting but because it’s an example of typical, some would even say exemplary, parenting. I also share it because it is a good example of how parenting has shifted from raising children who primarily recognize others to raising children who primarily recognize themselves.
A two-year old is in the middle of the rapprochement phase (from the French “to bring together in a new way”), which is a phase of conflict. The toddler has become aware of his separateness and vulnerability and, in response to the anxiety this creates, attempts to assert complete control over his primary caregiver(s). The toddler will demand full recognition while negating those around him. In order for the child to move into mutual recognition (simultaneously recognizing themselves and others) the primary caregivers must assert their own conflicting needs. (For more on this see my last blog, “The Seismic Shift in Parenting”.)
A two-year-old is trying to find out how much power she has and who else has power. Her actions are asking questions “I have power, right? Do you have power? Are you like me? What happens when I do things? Can I get everything I want? Who’s in charge? Who’s important?”
In the example above this is what the toddler is learning: “I can do anything I want. Sometimes Mom and Dad will stop me, but I can keep trying. When I do things they don’t want me to do, Mom and Dad bring me new things. Mom and Dad are not like me. They are here to serve me. When I cry they give me things to cheer me up. They’re always asking me what I want and bringing me things I ask for. I control what happens and I am the most important person in the house.”
Here are the things the toddler is not learning: “The others in the house have needs that are different than mine.” “It is important to listen to Mom and Dad.” “I can’t have everything I want.” “There are things I can do and things I can’t do.” “Like me, Mom and Dad also have power.” “Everyone in the house is important.” “Mom and Dad are in control of what happens in the house.”
I felt like Jacob’s parents had been trying to make an environment for their son that was like some big interactive padded room where he could do anything he wanted and remain safe. Any desires or needs of the parents seemed to come a far second to the needs and desires of their son. While this type of environment was certainly stimulating and educational, it was missing the thing most needed, interaction with the clearly expressed will of another. In order for a toddler to develop connection, he must come up against the will and desires of others. There must be conflict.
When a child is two years old, he is trying to establish where you and he begin and end. He knows he has power, but doesn’t know if others (primarily his parents) have power like he has. When Jacob grabs the olives to throw, he’s saying, “I’m independent and I have power, right? Am I the only one who does what he wants?” He is crying out for someone to oppose him so he can affirm his independence. He is trying to emerge from the anxiety of omnipotence into the identity of interdependence. By accommodating him instead of opposing him his parents are unwittingly postponing this transition.
Jacob is in the middle of redefining his relationship with his parents and the world. In order for him to let go of omnipotence and move into interdependence, he must come up against a will that is stronger than his own. While he needs to oppose the boundaries that are set for him so he can establish his independence, he also needs his parents to win this power struggle so his world feels safe and in control. And in order for Jacob to develop the emotional and psychological muscles that are needed for self-discipline and self-regulation, he must experience the frustrations that come with not getting what he wants.
There is a palpable sense in most American homes with toddlers that every moment should be full of pleasure, while struggles and disappointments should be avoided at all costs. But the fact is, you either accept the struggles and disappointments now or you set your children up for even greater struggles and disappointments in the future. It’s like using a credit card instead of cash. Eventually, they will find out they are not the only ones with power; eventually, they will find out that everyone has wants and needs and often the needs of others conflict with their own.
When you are raising your toddler, always pay in cash. The sooner you can coach your child through difficulties, disappointments, frustrations, and consequences, the sooner she will develop the emotional muscles needed to successfully deal with life. Every time a toddler comes up against a natural boundary or frustration, look at it as an opportunity to compassionately teach her an important skill, not as something you should try to eliminate or solve for her. When you protect your child from the consequences of her behavior, you’re putting the struggle on credit so she can have pleasure in the moment. Your child will need to pay for that decision in the future, with interest.
I love this.
Thanks for putting it in such great terms that, I hope, people can understand.
When you give a kid everything, they will only expect more and more and more.
Saying “NO” to a child will not hurt them or stifle their creativity or trample their little spirit.
Boundaries are a good thing.
Thank you for this. I will remind myself of some of this when I am doing the hard work of disciplining my child. Sometimes as parents we just want permission to do the thing we’re doing, and I frequently get advice (and support) from my daycare provider when faced with various situations. She has a degree in child development, and the methods she uses with the children she cares for in her home are the methods I’ve adapted at home. And they work. But it is sometimes difficult to do the right thing, and it is great to have a professional explain to me why I’m doing what I’m doing and why it’s important. Thank you so much.
Thank you Joe…well said. I especially like your point that when our children meet up against frustrations it is our opportunity to coach them through difficulties, and that this is an act of compassion. this is socrucial if children are to learn how to be self sufficient and competent.
still I find the term ‘power struggle’ not as accurate nor desirable as to what I’m actually doing with my child. rather than a power struggle with my child I would like to think of it as coaching to share power… that sometimes means we compromise, she gets to do what she wants, orI get to do what I want and we take turns (learn how to wait- boy is that a hard one for me 3yr. old)…
Joe, can you give an example in the Jacob story about how you would have handled this exact situation so the readers have a concrete comprehension with tools to distract etc. Thanks.
Madge, when Jacob came back to grab/throw the olives after I had told him not to I would have stopped him and looked him in the eye and said, “Do you want to stay in the living room with the adults or do you need to stay in the other room?”
Assuming he then said he wanted to stay with the adults I’d then say, “If you want to stay out here then you can’t touch the olives. Are you sure you want to stay out here? And you understand if you stay out here there’s no touching the olives.” At that point if he said yes he’d stay with the adults.
If a minute later he went for the olives again I’d say, “Okay, I guess you need to go to the other room.” If he was upset by this I’d coach him through it with something like, “Well it’s no big deal but if you’re going to touch the olives then we have to take a minute in the other room. You can decide to come back after we take a minute.”
Then I’d walk him to the other room and sit quietly with him for a minute or two. I would sit next to him, but do my best to stay quiet and let the minute or two be boring.
After the minute or two had passed I’d say to Jacob, “The break is over so now you can choose what you want to do. You can come back to the room with the adults, so long as you don’t touch the olives. Or you can stay here and play and Mommy or I will watch you. What do you want to do?”
I’d try and give him a choice to play on his own in an adjoining room so I (or Mommy) could sit and watch him while still participating in the adult conversation.
If he choose to come back with the adults and went for the olives again I’d repeat the above. If this went on many times I would probably insist Jacob play in the other room and take away the choice.
I want Jacob to learn the connection between his choices and the consequences. And that while he’s free to make his own choices some choices may lead to consequences he doesn’t like.
It’s important that our children learn that when we set a boundary we follow through with enforcing it.
Sounds good to me. Thanks for answering. I love examples.
Joe,
Really enjoyed the article since my little guy Brody just turned two….yeah yeah…Just glad to now I am on the right page with him!!!! He is doing all that you say and more and the boundaries are constantly trying to be pushed…but we seem to be holding strong and he is responding great!!!
thanks
Julie
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