By: Stacey Ellis
The text came without warning.
Hi! I didn’t mean to bother you. I’ve had your number saved since the hospital and wanted to call you but I’ve been afraid of intruding. I called the agency about how to write you so I’ll be writing soon! I love the pictures!
I got a call from my former direct report who now had my old work blackberry. The day before I had called her and casually mentioned – “Oh, by the way, I used my work blackberry when communicating with the birthmother of our daughter because I knew I wouldn’t have that phone forever – so if for some odd reason she calls that number, just let me know.” Now, I said this to her two months after I left my old job and blackberry, and in passing, never thinking it would amount to anything. The next morning, my former direct report calls me and reads me the message. I always knew I had some “vibe” –when I think of someone, they would miraculously call or email within 24 hours, even if I haven’t spoken to them in years. This one still shocked me.
When we were in the hospital, the birthparents were clear when they said, in these exact words, “She’s your daughter. We’re not going to interfere. We’re not going to track her down. When she’s 18, 21, 35, whatever, and if she wants to meet us, you have our number; reach out and we’ll talk about whether that’s the best for everyone.” Since then, we were required by state law to send photos and letters on the first, third, sixth, ninth and twelfth months. We had just sent the three month letter and this text came in four weeks later.
We didn’t know what to do. Do we text her back? Do we call her? How do we respond? We decided that my direct report needed to text her back right away, so we dictated, “Hi! Stacey no longer has this phone as she moved to a new job at a new company. But I will try to reach her and pass along your message.” The “try to” gave us some time to think. When we decided to adopt, we were clear: we wanted to be parents, not foster parents. What we meant by that was, we wanted to be able to go about our life raising our daughter, knowing she is our daughter and not feel like we have to report to someone – or feel like we were raising someone else’s child. We were thrilled when the birthfather said they wanted no contact. Then the state told us we had to send the letters and pictures. Okay, we thought, that’s no big deal. We can do that. But now those letters and pictures opened up this Pandora’s box.
Our first reaction was to pick up the phone and call her. But we talked about it and changed our minds. Sure, we could call today, even from a blocked line, but what does that open? Would she expect us to talk to her weekly? Monthly? Yearly? We didn’t know what her expectations would be. We were not open to weekly or monthly calls. But since she is a normal, sane, mature woman, we were still curious. Every now and then questions come up in our brains that we realize we forgot to ask. Sure we asked about any allergies her son had but now that we think about it, that’s about all we asked. We didn’t ask if the birthmother listened to rock music while our daughter was in utero. We now know: our daughter loves rock music. We didn’t ask what our daughter’s biological brother loves – does he love water? We now know: our daughter does. Does he love to blow raspberries? We now know: our daughter does. Is he fussy when eating, waiting til the last ten minutes before a bottle spoils to polish off the whole thing? We now know: our daughter does. We never even asked what the birthmother’s hobbies were…we realize that when we were in the hospital, we were so laser-focused on the baby, we never really asked anything. We didn’t want to pry. We didn’t want them to change their minds. We were new at this!
A phone call would allow us to ask a whole host of things…but it would also be so friendly, it would open up so many other communications – would she ask to facebook me? Would she want my phone number? My email address? We decided we would text her back from a blocked phone number. So we did. “Hi! We got your message and hope you are doing well! Did you want to talk to us? We’re available tonight but we have family coming to town tomorrow for a week. Let us know.” Radio silence. No response. We checked every hour. Nothing. We wondered if she changed her mind. We were obsessed for a day and then we had to let it go. So we did…
Then the letter came. Just this week. It was handwritten and three pages long. Her opening line was “I apologize for not writing sooner.” For some reason she felt like she was obligated to write us back. She wrote all about how much she loved our letters and the pictures. “I know that we originally said we didn’t want pictures. I thought that it would be hard to get the pictures. In a way it is hard, my heart yearns for what could have been but I love the pictures and they make us happy to see you all so happy.” She asked if she could send a gift and mentioned she didn’t want to intrude. She asked if she could send some pictures of her son since our daughter looks so much like him. She asked if we could keep this communication going and gave us her email address. The letter was nice. Really nice. We didn’t feel offended or like she intruded. She was very careful, asking permission before just sending something.
And she answered some of our questions by commenting on our letter to her where we mentioned our daughter’s love of water; her biological brother is a water bug too! And she commented on our daughter’s love of rock music; nope, our daughter heard mostly R&B in utero. So now what? Do we write back now? To comply with the state law, we aren’t obligated to write back for another six weeks. But we respect the birthmother too much to just leave her hanging. So, we had to make a decision and that decision may set the pace for communication for the next 18 years…
Wow. This is really interesting and engaging. So many things I have never thought about that go into an adoption. You sound like you’re handling it perfectly and I’m looking forward to hearing more of your story.
Stacey, another great adventure with your new baby and the process. I await to see how it unfolds. I am sure you will find a way to make it work for you and your family first and then the bio Mom.
Well… I hate to break it to you, but… you ARE raising someone else’s child. No matter what you might want (or want to believe), your daughter has two moms and two dads and always will. Nature is not something that can or should be ignored. She’ll resemble her biological family in looks, thoughts, interests, etcetera. She deserves to have contact with her first mother, father, and first family. Maybe, just maybe, it will help her a little as she grows up adopted in a non-adopted world.
Ummmm, you ARE raising someone else’s child. As an adoptee, I find your tone and your attitude disrespectful and delusional. Adoptees have four REAL parents. If we did not, two would not exist.
Your child has every right to know her FIRST Mother. She was bonded to her before birth, and will always be bonded to her. Im not sure why you are so threatened by that. Is that you are afraid your child will love her first Mother more? Adoptees are quite capable of loving more than one set of parents, just as parents are capable of loving more than one child.
Do you write back? Why wouldn’t you? You should encourage an open relationship with your child’s first Mother & father….and not just limited to pictures. It may not be what YOU want to do, but it is in your child’s best interest. You are a genetic stranger to your child. Every child deserves to be around their natural family. That’s what the truly “modern” family does. Oh, and they don’t say “birth” mother. Very offensive to first Mothers and their children whom were relinquished.
Trust me….your child will thank you when she is older.
Yeah, it sounds like you respect her. Not. As an adoptee myself I get so sick of how the parents, either set, try to claim us as if we are chattel. We are human beings with feelings and needs. Do what’s right for the adoptee – open communication. Hiding and lies and avoidance and fear are all negatives. I’m guessing you would be able to love two children so why can’t your child be allowed to love two mothers?
Wow, glad you three entered the discussion. The baby also has a bio brother and Stacey is well aware of that relationship. Also, in the beginning the bio Mom wanted nothing to do with the baby and wanted no contact at all. The state where she was adopted mandate pictures at certain intervals for the first year. I happen to know Stacey so I know she is very thoughtful and wants to do what the birth parents fell comfortable doing as well as how she and her husband feel. I know she is doing an entire baby book that shows and tells the whole story. I think what was misunderstood is being a foster mother/adoptive mother and she really didn’t see herself fostering the baby but is well aware of her ethnicity and is a loving mother and the baby will do well and be exposed to all. I think you need to go back and read all of Stacey’s blog to catch up and get a feel for her before you are so critical. I am glad you commented as many of the other writers are adopted and have different views that you. I am sure Stacey will respond but I wanted you to have a friend’s point of view too.
Linda, I read some of your blog and I am sorry the subject of adoption is so distasteful to you. I would love to have you read some of the other stories on this site to see others point of view. There are all points of views clearly and I would assume the alternatives to adoption might be not acceptable to some who have grown up in the foster care system. I am not adopted so I can’t put myself in your shoes nor would I but I find it disturbing that you feel that your adoption and all those of the others who write on your site agree with you. What would you have rather had for your life?
Madge- Losing your first family, culture, heritage, identity, and in some cases your country and language IS “distasteful’. Actually, it’s heartbreaking and brutal.
I am not against adoption through the foster care system, I am actually an advocate…as long as there is no one in the child;s natural family to raise him or her, and as long as that child will have access to their original birth certificate when they are adults. Adoption should be about what is best for the child…not what a parent “wants”. ALL adoptions should be open, unless there is documented abuse or neglect.
“What would you have rather had for your life?”
I would have preferred to be with my own people, not strangers. It is too late to discuss what I would have rather had for my life…but adult adoptees are used to adopters throwing that card out.
But, I’ll play.
I would rather have a society that doesn’t pressure unmarried women to surrender their children to adoption. A society that does not glorify the purchase of children to solve the pain of infertile people. A society that strives for natural family preservation, not infertility salvation.
My comment was directed at the o.p, who clearly had no intention of doing anything but the minimum required by the state. She was already involved in a “pre-birth matching” scheme, which is highly coercive and puts enormous amounts of pressure on a pregnant woman.
What’s best for any adoptee is to have contact with their natural family. It may not be “comfortable” for the adopters, but adoption is “supposed” to be about what is best for the child.
Im not sure why you brought foster care into this. Adoptees don’t think of their ap’s as “foster parents”. They are our parents. But we also have ANOTHER set of parents. Our ap’s shouldn’t be threatened by them, and they shouldn’t close an adoption. What is so scary?? The child is part of them…forever.
My point is that if she has an opportunity to include her child’s first parents in her life, she should take it…she should be grateful…she should welcome it.
Or, don’t. What usually happens is the child grows up, learns that their ap’s shunned contact, and has a relationship with their first parents and will be furious with their ap’s. She can make it easy for everyone, or, she can hurt her child now, and herself in the long run.
It was an open adoption, she met the family, the sibling and others in the family. This was an unmarried couple with a child and they felt financially and emotionally they couldn’t raise this child so they decided on adoption. My friend Stacey got the call and was there within 24 hours after the baby was born. They spent time with the parents and sibling. The bio Mom was the one who didn’t want any letters but Stacey did what was asked of her and now the Mom seems to relish the pictures and Stacey will see what happens. It is still very new for everyone. I found it interesting that a lot of adoptions are of 2nd children who have real bio siblings. I have a friend who at 60 adopted her grandson from birth as the mother (her daughter) is a drug addict and also coincidentally adopted. My friend encourage her daughter to respond when the birth mother wrote my friend when her daughter turned 21. She was happy to have her visit her, even live with her bio Mom. She treated her bio Mom just as she did her adoptive Mom and lied and stole from her as well. She turned her back on her daughter but my friend the adoptive Mom still lets her see her son with their supervision even though the court terminated her parental rights. I think with interracial and inter cultural adoption those parts of the children should be relished and encouraged so they know their roots. I am sure Stacey and her family will all work it out. Thanks so much for finding the site. How did you come to TNF? Welcome again. Thanks for writing back.
Linda, one more question. Clearly your bio Mom thought she was doing the right thing by you unless she was made to do it and the rest of your bio family were too shamed to raise you at the time. Did you find them all eventually?
Thanks, Madge. I often find it interesting as to what an “open adoption” means. Pictures and a quick update to a child’s first parents does not make an “open adoption”. A child needs that connection…no matter how much we love our adoptive parents, we simply are not like them. A truly open adoption (real life interaction with the child’s first family) helps with “genetic bewilderment” and goes a long way to help the child and the trauma they have from the separation from their first Mother. Have you read Nancy Verrier’s “The Primal Wound”? I highly recommend this book for all adoptive parents. My a Mom read it (unwillingly at first, lol) but when she did she cried and said, “NOW you make sense to me.”
It’s that trauma- the unnatural separation of natural Mother and her child, that needs to be recognized and acknowledged. Ap’s cannot “fix it”. But facilitating interactions with the child’s first family helps immensely. (assuming there was no abuse in the first family)
I have been involved with adoptee rights for most of my adult life. The most important thing I can say is this: Adoptees love BOTH of their families. There should not be a “competition” between our parents…and yes, that can happen in first parents, too. If adoption is about “love”, than ap’s should not impose limits on whom their child loves. Your children WILL eventually have relationships with their first families. It makes sense to get on board with that as soon as the child is brought into your home. Otherwise, they will resent you, and keep their relationships with their first family a “secret”, and that is not a fun thing to do.
My first Mother had no choice but to relinquish me. I was born in 1965, and getting pregnant before marriage was unacceptable. She was a college student, as was my first father, who was married…to someone else, lol. I am part of The Baby Scoop Era like many of my so called “angry adoptee blogger” friends.
There were no resources back then for single mothers- no child support, etc. Her only crime was being single. Her father was a politician in her small home town…and families just didn’t “raise a bastard child” back in those days.
I have relationships with most of my first family, even my cousins, Aunts and Uncles. My first Mother has suffered greatly from the choice she was forced to make.
Wow..I find all of this dialogue back and forth fascinating. What I don’t quite understand is some of the commentors critical judgment of me without even knowing me or what we decided to do. Let me tell you a few things that I didn’t just happen to write about:
1. From day one I have said my child’s birth parents/first parents -whatever your terminology is – will be at her wedding. Clearly I had no intention of “cutting them out” or doing “the minimal” – but thanks for judging me. The minimal is one letter three pictures – I send a 2-3 page letter and 7-10 pictures and I have not waited until the “exact 1 month” or “exact 3 month” marks – I send them when I have them ready. Clearly not the minimal. And I write notes on the back of each one with the date.
2. As Madge wrote – we are putting together a book called a Life Book with guidance from a book about life books we bought off Amazon. There are NUMEROUS pictures of her birth parents/first parents. We plan on talking about them, discussing them and definitely letting our daughter know that THEY ask about her, want to know about her and love her very much.
3. When she asks to meet them, we plan on taking her to them.
I do find some of the tones above to be very angry and sad. I am sorry that your life may have been hard and maybe secrets existed in your world, but we have no intention of having secrets in ours. I am not threatened by my child’s birthparents/first parents.. I do have a right though to make decisions for my child and enjoy our life with our child without having to check with them for every move or report every activity and event.
They trust me with raising their child and that is a trust I take very seriously. We aren’t ignoring the bond between birthmothers/first mothers and their babies. If we did, we would do the minimum and in fact, all day every day, I think about the obligation I have to the birthparents to be the best parent I can be to their daughter…or clearly I will be letting them down.
Every adoptive parent is not some cookie cutter carbon copy. We are not second class citizens who “bought a baby.” I think you are underestimating OUR bond with our daughter. We are not holding back like some adoptive parents may do. We are in love – deeply in love with our child and we WILL do everything we can to make her life happy, healthy and complete – WHATEVER it takes.
Like I said – sorry that your life may have endured trauma – and thanks for the book suggestion – I read everything suggested for all kinds of perspective – but take a step back and realize, I did not FORCE the birthparents to give up their child – I didn’t know them when they made that decision. Today is not like the 60s…and we are certainly not your adoptive parents.
Wanted to weigh in here.
1. I think it’s great that you want to have this kind of relationship with your child’s natural mother. However, your tone isn’t exactly open. First of all, she has your number, but you do not have hers. The whole tone of your blog post is that you have all of the power when it comes to communication.
2. Your tone implies that you are not happy about the possibility of emailing your child’s natural mother for the next 18 years. You imply one thing and refute that point when you get a bit of backlash. A lot of adoptees wish our natural parents had just been an email away while we were growing up so for you to blog about it as a problem is hard for adoptees to hear.
3. What happens if your daughter is five and asks to meet her natural parents? Will you decide she’s too young and that she needs to be older? What’s the appropriate age? Would you take her to see them at age five?
4. Who is at your daughter’s wedding is HER decision. She may want them there, she may not. They may not want to come. Telling people that is not fair to your daughter, and if you continue to use that as an explanation of how you want people to stay close could really hurt her. It’s just a poor statement to use. A better one is that you plan on staying in contact with them.
5. A book is not a person. My parents did a book for me. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to talk to my natural parents; I wanted to hear the answers to my questions from them. I wanted to see what they looked like and I wanted to feel a connection to my past that can only be achieved by knowing my natural family.
6. Not all adoptive parents are cookie cutters. You are right. However, rather than hearing what adult adoptees are saying here (your daughter may feel the same way someday, our voices may be HERS), you struck back to defend your position. You didn’t really listen. Very few adoptive parents actually listen to adult adoptees who are not thrilled about their adoptions.
7. While you did not force the natural parents to give up their daughter, did you help them to keep their daughter? If they couldn’t afford to keep their daughter, couldn’t you have helped them find other resources? People assume that adoption can fix the problem of not having money for another kid but there are other ways. If you really wanted what was best for your daughter, you would have helped her natural family find a way to keep her. So you adopted her for your benefit. I’m not judging, I’m simply pointing out that if it were really in her best interest, you would have given her a life with her natural family. That’s a selfless act.
I happen to know about this adoption and the bio parents had their parents involved and the bio Mom’s mom couldn’t afford it either, the bio dad’s mother by his admission and seeing her behave at the hospital has mental illness and Jenn beyond all that it is in my opinion not the job of the adoptive parents to talk their bio Mom at or in to anything. She is free and over 21 and this is the choice she made, not Stacey. She picked Stacey and her husband out of many parents to be and chose them. Also, bio Mom has her number or she couldn’t have texted her. SO before passing anymore judgments on my friend let’s give her the benefit of all your doubt. Clearly, you are speaking from your heart but you don’t speak for all adoptees but just for yourself and you come off way too critical for me. I hope you read her whole story about the process. I am sorry your experience has been sad, emotionally trying but my friend Stacy deserves your respect. The baby is 4 months old and not asking anything yet but to be loved by her adoptive Mom. I also feel that Stacy is not holding this baby for her bio Mom but raising her as her own who eventually will have two Moms if she wants and to the wedding she was expressing the interest in allowing that to happen only if her daughter wants it. So let’s not jump to a millions judgments until she is old enough to offer her own wants and needs as to her bio mom and dad.
Thanks Madge – I actually am not very defensive at all – but for some reason everything I say is somehow ending with a jump to a conclusion – I say the bio parents will be at the wedding – OF COURSE that is up to my daughter. Please. Thanks for the parental advice. That was me simply saying we are open to her knowing them and including them in our lives. But thanks for hunting for the negative even in that statement.
This will be my last comment here because honestly, whatever I say is taken out of context. Believe what you want. Feel what you want. I know who I am. I am comfortable with me, our child, the bio parents – who by the way – I do have their cell phone number…no idea how you jumped to that conclusion as well. I do listen. And I can tell you out of all the research – all the people we spoke to prior to adopting – there were just as many well adjusted, happy adult adoptees who are NOT angry, sad, disconnected and have no interest in meeting their bio parents. If mine is – she’ll meet them. If she’s not, then she won’t. So I respect your opinions, not your judgments, as you are not the foremost expert on ALL adopted children…and certainly not our daughter.
Just wanted to point out that the natural mother did not have her number. She had the number of a blackberry that was no longer in Stacy’s possession.
If I’ve come off critical it’s because I am. I read these blogs with an open mind and I’ve come across some a-parents who really do get it. The tone of this blog however clearly demonstrates that she doesn’t actually get it.
You’re right, I don’t speak for all adoptees, but I think you’d find that a lot of adult adoptees feel the same way I do. Not all, but a bunch. I’m not an exception to the rule.
My experience with adoption has been painful that’s true. Read “Primal Wound” about the trauma of adoption and you’ll know why. I have wonderful adoptive parents by the way. Who I love very much. But if they told people that they were inviting my natural parents to my wedding, I’d flip out on them for making that decision for me.
There are a bunch of sides to every story and you have to hear all of them with an open mind. When this little girl grows up, she’ll develop her own opinions. And it could be on the side of myself and the other four people who have commented here…
Or it could go the opposite of you. It will be up to Stacey’s daughter to reply. At the time of adoption that phone number was Stacey’s but she switched jobs shortly after the adoption so she was open to giving her number and in fact the bio Mom has many ways of reaching her. I am curious how you found this blog and website? It seems all of a sudden it has been bombarded by people who are sad and angry adoptees. Do you search out people to hear your opinion as a group or post somewhere that has attracted a few of you to this site?
All adoptees are sad. We’ve lost our mothers, one of the world’s greatest traumas.
Every adoptive parent think their adoption/adopted child/adult will be different.
I must really know only the few happy ones because all the friends I have that were adopted are happy, well adjusted women. Now I know plenty who are sad and angry at their own mothers. 🙂
I meant to say own bio Moms who raised them for the last sentence. How did you find this website? It seems like you bombard sites that have adoption stories to
let your voices be heard and I can only say I am sad you are so unhappy.
Question for the adoptees that are sad and angry? Did any of you meet your bio parents and find out why they thought it better to have others raise you? Were you more disappointed after you met them because their answers weren’t what you wanted to hear and what you thought you had missed. I think today with open adoptions this makes engaging your bio parents so much easier. But what he they don’t want it, would you force yourself on them? You have brought up good questions if you just weren’t so attacking.
I am 45 years old, born in 1965, and I am adopted. I have known since I was 4 years old that I was adopted. I was told I was chosen from the heart. =) I am not sad, I am not bitter, I am not angry. Just the opposite….I’m happy, I’m well adjusted, I have had and continue to have an amazing life filled with love. I have never met my bio parents but MY parents have always said if I want to, they will help me contact them. I know my heritage and some of my medical history and a few other small details. My parents are my parents. They raised me, they loved me, they gave me my life. There is a BIG difference between having a child and raising a child. Sadly not everyone is capable of both. I have ALWAYS felt that my bio mom was amazing for giving me a better life then she thought she could. It’s HARD to be a good parent and if she and my bio Dad felt they couldn’t, for whatever reasons, be the best parents they could, they did what they felt was best for me. There is not a minute, hour, or day that I wish it was any other way. I am a Mother and can’t imagine life without my beautiful daughter but I also know that I would love an adopted child exactly the same. My fam is my fam, period, end of story. I love it, I embrace it, I’m proud of it. I will shout it from the mountain tops……yes I AM ADOPTED! For those of you that are sad, let it go and realize the most selfless act was done by two people that just couldn’t give you what they felt you needed. That’s okay, that’s love. I recently wrote this to my parents…..maybe it will help those that are sad feel just a little different about your own situation…I hope so.
https://thenextfamily.com/2010/12/the-luckiest-girl-in-the-world/
Let it go and love your life.
Amy
Interracial Fams
The Next Family
As an adopted person, who is well-adjusted and guest writing for this wonderful website, I find a lot of the criticism quite disrespectful. First of all, “real” parents is extremely offensive. It’s a puritanical notion that biology is the be-all, end-all. If you’re adopted and you want to meet your biological relatives, more power to you. That doesn’t give you the right to look down on other adoptees who may not share your feelings.
Adoption is a complex subject, one with many sides. Personally, I love my adoptive family and I know for a fact that if my biological relations had kept me, I would likely be dead from neglect. I certainly wouldn’t have finished school nor gone onto college. I wouldn’t have experienced as many wonderful things as I have.
People like Amy, Stacy, and Madge have wonderful points to make about adoption. Maybe the anti-adoption people should try listening to different points of view before shoving their own opinions on others.
I’m aware that I’m probably coming off as bitter, but I get so frustrated when people try to tell me what I do or do not feel. I also can’t stand it when adopted parents get the shaft because of incredibly narrow definitions of terms like “family”.
To all pro-adoption people who can engage civilly, you have my utmost respect.
In my mind the people who raises you through think and thin are the parents and deserve all the accolades. The bio’s gave you your genes but the environment of growing up in a loving home is the difference. The parents takes those genes and that environment and help contribute to the well being and success of the child. I am sure the bio parents (unless forced) gave up their rights for very good reasons. How about all the bio parents who never search for their bio kids? Is it because they don’t really want to find them and are happy with their decisions? With the internet today as it is parents and children can be found. Let’s think why they wouldn’t want to search or be searched for and let each bio look if they want and find. Let each adoptee decide what they want to do for themselves. It is not up to a group to launch a world wide anti adoption movement just because their bio’s never looked for their kids. I trust all made the right decision for themselves and their children (again unless they were forced) but they can always look for them in this day and age.