I’m not going to write my blog this week. As the hours count down until my deadline this afternoon, I just can’t get the words out. I’m not up to it. You see, I’m in the middle of an argument. Actually the argument was last night. But we went to bed with unspoken words and hurt feelings, at which time the hurt was allowed to fester and grow, infecting today and all of its events. I want to try our hardest to make up before we go to bed, but to no avail. It ends up upsetting a perfectly good night’s sleep, a night that is already being tweaked by the 8-week-old infant that seems to be especially cranky. Then everyone wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, as if they drank some wine and have a splitting headache and a fuzzy recollection of some kind of conflict the night before. Actually, what happens with me is my brain tries hard to purge all the bad thoughts, to allow me to return to nirvana, to a place of love and togetherness. Usually if we’re apart the following day, I find myself filling back up with the love that usually overflows, so much so that it’s around noon where I’m reaching out by texting “I love you” or something silly like that. Today, however, it’s way past noon. There’s no texting.
Most people would say that they don’t like to argue, but I believe that I’m especially sensitive. Maybe it has to do with growing up with the arguments, the fights, the conflicts in my childhood. Maybe it has to do with growing up with my daily dose of Brady Bunch or Leave It to Beaver. I’ll do anything to stop the fighting. What usually happens is that I apologize and then neatly tuck my feelings about the situation in an imaginary suitcase and slide it to the back of the closet. Let’s move on. Life is too short. There are so many more important things to worry about. It wasn’t worth getting so upset about, whatever it was.
Arguments are a normal part of life and relationships, I know. But it’s pure torture for me, since I’m someone who likes – no, loves – the random smile or loving touch from someone I adore as they enter the room. I love calling each other throughout the day just to check in. I love that someone wants to check in on me. It’s a lost moment when I hear something funny or interesting and can’t immediately share it because I’m being ignored. It’s a continuous stab in my back when I’m given the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, the love withdrawal. My mind goes to a dark place. My stomach goes all twisty and turny. My mouth goes to the kids’ sugary cereal.
So I sit and mope, listen to music (where every song starts to sound like a love song), surf the TV and Internet, and watch a potentially awesome day pass by in mediocrity. I wonder why unhappiness and angst have to be the default setting in the world, while love and affection and peace are things we are always hoping to attain in a perfect world. Why do brothers have to fight? Why is there bullying? I look around the café I’m in right now and plenty of couples look happy, but you know that many couples will turn to singles before too long. That’s just the way it is, but why I’m not sure.
I know things will correct themselves within hours, and everyone will be back on track. I just wish it could have happened sooner. But that’s just the way it is.