By: Amber Leventry
We read Mama’s Christmas list. A lot of her wish list seemed to involve relief from us, her, if not perfect, very charming twin boys. We weren’t born yesterday, Santa. Mama’s suggestions were not suggestions. We’ve had 18 months to learn her suggestions are usually passive aggressive ways of making us think we have a choice. Don’t fall for it. Instead, consider our unselfish desires. We don’t want stuff. We have plenty of stuff here. We just want access to it.
Feel free to get Mama some of that booze she asked for. She seems to soften a bit after a beverage or two, which can only benefit all of us. Here is our Christmas list. And remember, this is stuff we already have at our fingertips—all we need is a bit of your Christmas magic.
We want to open every cabinet, drawer, and shelf. We then want to empty every cabinet, drawer, and shelf. And for good measure, we will likely throw or kick every item we have pulled from every cabinet, drawer, and shelf.
We want to climb. Steps, furniture, people. The object is unimportant; we want to reach higher ground.
We want to pull electrical cords out of the wall. We’re happy to plug them back in. Practice makes perfect.
We want to be picked up, held, and snuggled. What part of wailing, whining, and walking around with our arms in the air don’t our mamas understand? We’re tired of buzz words like “cry it out” and “self-sooth”. It’s all garbage. Why don’t our mamas love us, Santa?
We want to play while we are in the bathtub. Sitting nicely and keeping the water in the tub is BORING, with a capital CONTROLLING.
We really want to touch the TV. We also want to play with the remotes.
We really, really want to play in the dog’s water dish. Water play is so confusing. A large table filled with water is fine to splash around in, but a tiny dish is not. It’s like, make up your minds, Ladies.
Speaking of water play, we want to play in the toilet. And we still love those little white covers on the bolts at the bottom of the toilet. If they are not meant to be played with, then why do they come off?
We want whatever our big sister has. The smaller the object, the better.
We want the Christmas tree. The lights. The little, toddler-sized toys hanging from its branches. The water at the bottom. The shiny, paper-wrapped presents underneath. We want it all.
We really mean it; we don’t want or need stuff. We simply want the freedom to touch and manipulate the things around us. Between all of the rules, our cribs, and the endless supply of gates in this house, it feels like we live in a prison. Put up some cameras and call this Toddler is the New Black. This is our house too, and we want royalties.
Merry Christmas, Santa!
Ben and Ryan
Top Photo Credit: Lotus Carroll