By Jillian Lauren
Woke up this morning in Atlanta, though the view from the bus window looked exactly like the one in Tampa, Miami, New Orleans, Houston…
Cloudless blue sky, sun turning the asphalt into a skillet, rows of trucks, camps of buses, sweaty crew guys with creative facial hair heaving around huge road cases, laminated signs with arrows: production, dressing rooms, catering.
I’m probably mental for bringing two small boys along on a two-month rock tour.
This grind- this repetitive life of packing and schlepping and losing your toothbrush every four minutes and peeing on a moving bus in the middle of the night- is hard. There’s no doubt. There are a million inconveniences and hours of boredom and late hours. Not exactly the ideal life for two kids with PTSD, who thrive on early bedtimes and routine. Not ideal either for someone who wants- no, needs- to spend hours a day alone writing to truly understand my life.
It’s also the stuff of legend for a reason. A life in the arts is an immense privilege. I wanted my kids to have a chance to live it.
Not to mention that in the course of one whirlwind week we’ve taken a ghost tour of New Orleans, swam in the Florida ocean, seen an Atlanta Braves game, and connected with far-flung friends and relatives of all stripes.
Every morning the members of our extended, crazy, traveling circus family stagger out of buses and wander the gauntlet sleepy-eyed and sometimes still in pajamas, in search of cereal. We pause to gaze out at the rows and rows of empty seats and the bright green lawn beyond. You can almost hear the hum of possibility out there.
Over the years, I’ve grown to cherish the luxury of invisibility that being a rock wife affords. I love being able to observe the goings on from the borderlands between the stage and the crowd, not exactly part of either. The edges of things are often the most interesting.
Last night I waited for a friend outside the box office and watched the throngs of people entering. I wondered whose night would be unforgettable and who would wind up heartbroken. All the faces: every size and color, expectant, insecure, arrogant, lovely. The young girls: wearing too much eye makeup, arms crossed awkwardly across their bodies, probably rethinking that midi-shirt. They all seemed so fragile. We’re trying so hard.
I thought about the people walking into the club in Orlando that night, full of hope and high spirits. I haven’t had much time alone, so I’ve mostly been stuffing the waves of tears that keep swelling and breaking, swelling and breaking in me. I gave up and let them spill over, mascara be damned.
Later, as I watched the show with my kids, the cheering hit me like a wall, the love practically levitating my body off the ground. I will never stop being awed by what my man does out there. There is always, always something hopeful and healing in music, in art, in the way we insist on creating in the face of impossible horror. It’s a joy to be so close to it. That’s why I’m stealing a writing moment in dressing room while my kids scooter around a perilously raked amphitheater in the Georgia heat. And that’s why we’ll do it all over again tonight.
If you would like to read more by Jillian Lauren, check out her blog.